To ask what made you go nc with parents?

[coldhandsandtoes]

I realise I'm probably being completely ridiculous but I'm pregnant with my first child and all around me are friends who don't have contact with their parents and I read on here people who are nc with their mother or inlaws.
I'm starting to panic that I will get it wrong and my child will hate me, obviously I will do everything I can to do right by my child but I hope I don't get it wrong because nobody's perfect and I couldn't bear it they didn't want me in their lives.
Dh doesn't speak to his mum and so often when he tells anyone he is met with they don't speak to theirs either.
I already love my baby so much and really hope my child will love me back.
Probably hormones but I do worry about this.

You sound loving and you will be fine. It’s about teaching children that love is not a fairy tell and conflict in any relationship is natural the important think is conflict is resolved promptly with love and raised voices if necessary. I notice in the western world healthy conflict is avoided and people drift apart.

Prioritise your child, recognise that they’re an individual, give them healthy boundaries along with happy experiences and you aren’t going to go far wrong.

I don’t speak to my father because he told me he thought of me as an obligation, not as family. I stopped talking to him and he didn’t attempt to continue a relationship with me. Things that cause adult children to stop talking to their parents are not accidental, if you’re a decent person who wants a decent relationship with your child you’re not going to stumble in to NC territory.

Congratulations on your baby. The fact that you're worried about this kinda means you're probably not going to behave in ways that will alienate your child.
I am LC with my Dad, but would say I am very definitely in the minority amongst people I know.
Why? It's so many things over my whole lifetime. He always puts his needs and comfort above all else. That doesn't make for good parenting.
I am nothing like him and the thought of my child thinking about me in the way I think about my Dad, horrifies me too.
Try to be child centred, have good boundaries and consistency. Treat your children and yourself with love, respect and acceptance.

I kind of woke up and realised they were shit people who hurt people.

We are very LC with DH’s mum and dad due to her severe alcoholism and refusing to listen to us about our baby (to put it very briefly) and his enabling and defence of her actions (again, brief)

My own parents on both sides were NC with their parents. My mum’s mum gave her up and into the care system where she bounced around until 17 and her dad buggered off, my dad’s mum abandoned them when he was 11 and his dad was physically and verbally abusive. I met his mum once when I was 4 and don’t remember much about her other than her new fella hitting me in the head with a pool cue 🤨 I very rarely felt ‘different’ from other kids, though there were odd times when I’d be jealous of them going to their nan’s for tea etc. I think we all want after whatever we don’t have. I turned out perfectly fine (imo lol)

I was nc with mine for a long time. They are divorced. Very complicated family. My father left us for another woman and raised her kids but he never wanted us. I tried to maintain contact for my own kids sake but it was very hard. Big row with my dad then and I got a lot of stuff off my chest. That was that. My mother was different, we were close once but she preferred my siblings and it just kinda went askew. Anyway my sibling died recently and as horrible as it’s been we are all now talking again. Not a bed of roses or anything but we are in touch and I’m glad. Op..enjoy your baby, don’t be worrying about the future. Just love your kids equally and support them and you’ll be fine.

I am NC with my family because my mother is extremely abusive and so I need to end the cycle of abuse with me. My kids have no clue what it’s like to live with an abusive mother.
They are late teen/young adults and we have a great relationship that is nothing like my relationship with my mother.
Enjoy your time with your baby and try not to worry about what might not happen. Most people argue with their parents but don’t go NC because people generally know how to behave respectfully and can accept when they fuck up.

I’m NC with my Dad as he is a bully who made me feel like crap every time I saw him.
It still took me 30 years of his alternating between lovebombing and being extremely verbally abusive for me to realise I didn’t need / couldn’t cope with the stress of him in my life any more. I still feel bad about it at times but life is easier.

I think if you are a normal/ok/ decent human being you will be absolutely
fine. Kids are biologically driven to love their parents. Parents have to go some way for a child to not want them in their lives.

DH and I are NC with his family because his crazy sister and dad would constantly stir up the nastiest dramas and his mum would go along with whatever they said and then blame everything on DH. It was pretty abusive and eventually we realised that we would be happier without all that in our lives. Three years later we're very happy!

I’m NC with my Mum. She was abusive to me growing up, even by 80s standards, and continued to be vile when I was an adult. The breaking point was her treatment of my kids. It wasn’t that bad compared to how she treated me but it was enough.
Most people don’t voluntarily cut off their parents without good reason.

Thank you for the replies, I'm sorry to hear some you have been through what you have.
I have a close relationship with my parents so hopefully I will be a great mum, I'll certainly try my best to be.

I was born illegitimate in the 1950’s. Father came from wealthy Irish family - mother very working class - whose parents shipped him back to Ireland to help him out of “Trouble” as soon as they heard a child was on the way. 🙄 Never met him although I have been told he saw me once when I was 3 months old.

Mother and her very Irish Catholic family punished me for being born. Mother met and married her husband 4 years later, they had their own dc and I was discarded to a variety of relatives.

I did try very hard to form a relationship with mother and her family but I was very bright, won a scholarship to a very prestigious private school and had a really good career. Realised they only wanted me to either sort out any problems or to give them money. Cut off contact after the birth of my dd in my late 30’s and never saw or spoke to any of them again.

They are virtually all dead now. Absolutely no regrets on my part.

My dd has severe learning difficulties but we have a fabulous, loving relationship and I have a long, great marriage with DH who also is a fantastic father. History definitely didn’t repeat itself here! 😁

We don't speak to some of my inlaws... they are toxic narcissistic people and continually backchatted judgemental things about us to other family members which resulted in them turning against us as they thought it was true.

We had one fall out, reconciled (but not properly as the issues were swept under the carpet) couple of years later they did it again, worse, so that was that, as there was never any apology, acceptance of Amy wrongdoing.

It's sad our children don't have some of their grandparents, uncle or cousins in their lives, but not in the sense that they are not people who our kids deserve them to be, and we would rather they have no influence than a negative one.
Sometimes I miss the people they SHOULD be, but not them themselves.
Life is much more peaceful without the dramas.

I've read posts on here from people with older/adult kids saying they never missed these people growing up and don't now, as there was no positive relationship, and have not resented their parents for going NC,which is reassuring.

I think people are starting to not put up with being treated badly more by family members nowadays, rather than just tolerating bad behaviours to keep the peace and keep up appearances.

Families are complicated, and so not everyone will have a "perfect " experience. You can only do your best. But, when your child becomes an adult, be ready to let them go to live their own life and make their own choices - that is what we all want and deserve, after all.

This.
@OriginalUsername2 sorry you had to put up with the same.