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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you get married in our shoes?

22 replies

sparklins · 18/01/2024 21:47

Thank you in advance to whoever reads this.
Me and DP been together 12 years, engaged 9 but ended up putting our wedding off due to surprise DC1 and then a long, slightly traumatic story and another DC.
We are finally in a good position and have enough for a wedding, we have talked a few weeks ago and decided we will get married this year rather than put it off until next summer as I have a DGG(reat)M whose health has taken a bit of a turn and we would both love her to be there.
We would be getting married in my home country (EU) as we have always wanted to.
This feels like a long time coming and for the longest time (due to many different reasons) we thought we would never do it.

We have found a venue that we like that only had availability in November, the photographer we like has offered a discount as November is an unpopular month to get married in my home country. We have a few other services lined up which we have sussed would also offer a discount for that month, we would just need to pull the trigger to get this going.
However I have spoken to my DGM today, she is my DGGMs daughter and lives with her. As we spoke I mentioned that we are looking around at venues/church/registrar super close by and also close together to make it as easy as possible for DGGM, unfortunately she has informed me that DGGM is not well enough to go anywhere anymore and would most certainly not be able to attend even the ceremony. Her short term memory is also pretty non existent so she would not even remember attending.

So now we stand in front of the question, do we still go ahead with this November wedding which we were pretty set and happy on (flights to my HC are very cheap this time of year too) or considering DGGMs health and the fact that she was the main reason we even looked at getting married this year should we put it off and get married in a warmer month next year?

Part of me feels like if we don't pull this trigger we will never do it, we had a very provisional date set a few years ago but due to something bad happening we pulled out before even booking anything other than the venue.
Another part wonders if spring/summer is a nicer time to be getting married or does it not really matter? I always imagined myself getting married in the summer but I am not sure at all now.

Another thing I don't like thinking about but I am very aware of is that DGGM is in really bad health and could potentially not make it until November, however she could go on for another 2 years for all we know. If she did pass during the preparations we would have no choice other than to go ahead as we would have UK guests that would have already purchased flights and accommodation...

So...should we just go for it and finally tie the knot or put it off again? WWYD?

OP posts:
ExcitingRicotta · 18/01/2024 21:49

Go for it. There will never be a perfect time. Try to just make a decision together and then make the most of it.

Tinkerbyebye · 18/01/2024 21:49

I would go with November and perhaps visit your DGGM just after the wedding so she sees you both

cunningartificer · 18/01/2024 21:51

Go for it! Winter weddings are gorgeous and you'll be able to show her the pictures at Christmas!

Heyhoherewegoagain · 18/01/2024 21:52

Do it. For various reasons I’m a great believer in doing things and not putting them off, just do it

Spirallingdownwards · 18/01/2024 21:53

Go for it. Visit DGGM in your wedding outfits and have a picture with her. She may not remember ot but she might and send her the picture too You will always have the picture too to remind you of her

SgtJuneAckland · 18/01/2024 21:53

Just go for it, visit your DGGM before and/or after maybe even in your dress. A winter wedding can be lovely

MamaNell · 18/01/2024 21:54

Go for it or it might never happen. Maybe you could visit her in your dress the day after? Awake her some wedding cake and show her some digital photos? It's amazing what something out of the ordinary can provoke in elderly people with memory issues.

LunaNova · 18/01/2024 21:54

Personally, I would go ahead with the November date.

We had a few family members that were unable to attend our (also November) wedding due to poor health. We spoke to our photographer and asked if she minded if we could take a few phone photos to share straight away with those family members and she was more than happy to oblige, we then had them printed the following day so that those who couldn't attend could have a few photos to look at.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 18/01/2024 21:55

Definitely do it!

Ofcourseshecan · 18/01/2024 22:02

Spirallingdownwards · 18/01/2024 21:53

Go for it. Visit DGGM in your wedding outfits and have a picture with her. She may not remember ot but she might and send her the picture too You will always have the picture too to remind you of her

I agree. Go for it!

Tryingmybestadhd · 18/01/2024 22:13

Just do it !

BrightLightTonight · 18/01/2024 22:23

So are you getting married for each other or for other people?

Just go to a registry office, get married and forget about a wedding for others

Runnerduck34 · 18/01/2024 23:20

Go for it. You ve done most of the organising, as you say it's easy to find a reason to keep delaying, if you want to get married stop procrastinating and just get on with it!

zusje · 18/01/2024 23:39

Go for it if you wanna get married. Seems like you are getting a better deal doing in in November and depending on where in the EU you are from you might still get gorgeous weather (my parents who live on Crete informed me they had 23C today to our -3) and if not it's perfectly autumnal and will make for some gorgeous pictures with the changing colour of the leaves or the leaves on the floor (If I ever get married definitely doing it in autumn!)

comfyshoes2022 · 18/01/2024 23:44

Just go for it anyhow.

DidntReallyMeanIt · 18/01/2024 23:51

It sounds like you've lost sight a bit of the reason you want to get married.

It's nice to have certain people there if they can make it, but it should never dictate when and where you get married, especially after 12 years and 2 kids.

KCSIE · 18/01/2024 23:59

Go for it,.never a good time to do anything really and they'll always be something holding you back.

My DGM was too unwell to attend our wedding as well and we rushed to get married so she could attend, too, but sadly she couldn't make it. When I say rushed I mean venue and suppliers booked in July, invites sent in August & married in September. I had friends video our ceremony for us. She was in respite care when it came to our wedding date so the very next day, DH and I donned our wedding attire again and visited her care home (in my wedding dress with a now blackened, partied out hem!) and I gave her my bouquet. Our wedding photographer joined us for 20mins too. We all cried, even the care home staff and photographer. Our photographer gave us some previews of wedding day and 'DGM day' to share with her asap. She died about a month later aged 101. I absolutely cherish the memories of 'DGM day' or our second wedding as I like to call it. So special.

sparklins · 19/01/2024 10:01

@BrightLightTonight who said we just want a registry and not a wedding?

That sounds wonderful @KCSIE .
If we go ahead I would be staying in my DGPs house where she lives and I was hoping to get ready there with my bridesmaids, mum, grandma and so on as they have lots of room, I thought maybe this way she at least gets to see me in my wedding dress and be part of the day.

@DidntReallyMeanIt maybe not lost sight as much as got thrown off a little with that news. We used to always talk about a summer wedding.
When all of the stuff happened in our lives a few years ago and we had to rebuild it definitely fell on the back burner. We have previously talked about a registry or just us and our parents there but in our heart of hearts we always wanted the wedding we both discussed when we first got engaged, and now we are in a position to do it, earlier than we thought we would be and I think it has thrown me for a loop as a few weeks ago I was not expecting to be discussing a 2024 wedding.

I don't come from a country that would be particularly warm in November, it really is at its best in the summer, however, as PP pointed out we would be looking at making savings with vendors due to the unpopular month, also November flights tend to be a lot cheaper than summer ones so it would be more affordable for UK guests.

OP posts:
petmad · 24/05/2024 08:04

go for it send an invite if she is well enough to attend then so be it if not you can have photographs and what not with said relative or even a little tea party with her in youre wedding outfits

TeeBagGer · 24/05/2024 08:06

Does it make a difference to the marriage if it’s warm when it happens?

sparklins · 24/05/2024 10:55

Since I've had a couple of comments just thought I would update - we are getting married! We are in the final week of receiving RSVPs from UK guests, have a room block reserved near my home town, venue, church, photographer all sorted. Invites to guests in my home country will be going out at the end of next month as they usually go out 12 weeks in advance.

I will be getting ready at my DGGMs house 5 mins away from the church so if she cannot make it to any part of the day she will at least be there to see me off in the morning. Fingers crossed she can make it for part of the meal.

Hoping it will all go ok for us 🤞

OP posts:
zusje · 25/05/2024 17:36

Aw congratulations, hope your wedding day is everything you dreamed off!!

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