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It's got to be me, right? (TW severe depression)

5 replies

Gottobeme · 18/01/2024 18:49

I've got to pre-face this by saying that I am aware of the so-called help out there. I've been on the phone to Samaritans, have been to see my doctor and A&E, have taken medication, have done all the counselling and CBT I got offered. My kids are safe.

I am alone.

At the age of late 30s I find myself in a life with no real friends, no family to speak of, no one who takes an actual interest in whether I live or die.

I had a difficult childhood with a mother who openly hated me (age 6+) after my father left the family home, not to be seen again until I turned 18. I looked like him, and, according to her, was just like him - manipulative, emotionless, rotten. It did not match with my reality, in which I always tried my best. I never got into trouble at school (unlike my sibling), got top grades, but it was never enough. I went NC years later, took up contact with my father, but despite everything he says about how much he cares there is only contact maybe three times a year.

I moved countries when I went to university, mostly to get away from my toxic family home. I ended up pregnant by the first man (in his 30s) who showed me any sort of affection and who left me for my then best friend and vilified me as a person. I ended up moving countries, gave birth, went back to finish my degree a single mother, alone. My friends from uni evaporated because I was now preoccupied with a small child.

A few unsuccessful attempts at a new relationship later (including at least one rape by a partner), I met my husband. He turned out to be abusive, would be physically violent and call me all names under the sun, would break things in anger, would be sexually coercive and always with a reason for his behaviour. I had to lie about when we met, how we got together, when we got engaged, my second pregnancy by him (terminated on his insistance; I have never forgiven myself). I had more children.

I eventually left him for another man - something I am not proud of. His family turned on me, mutual friends never got in touch again. I was alone bar my boyfriend, who later turned out to have so many accusations of sexual assault against him by others I could not trust him and left.

I moved jobs a few times in between, often for promotion. I have always been decent at my work. But, as work colleagues do, even the best friendships forged at work fade.

I am now alone and struggling in my current job (mainly because it's a hated profession and the people I deal with can be vile towards me, but claim it's me that causes it). I have no friends to speak of. I have a few aquaintances, but no one who'd notice I'm gone for many months. I always make contact first, so they clearly don't notice or care enough when I go quiet. My family turned on me when I went NC with my mother, believing her stories, and my father is a stranger I speak to on the phone, maybe three times a year.

My former friends and ex in-laws believe my ex husband's stories and turned on me the second I left. My colleagues, despite me making it clear how much I am struggling mentally right now, don't even ask how I am when I return to work or when I am clearly upset. There are supposed to be procedures in place if you have concerns about a member of staff.

The only one who'd be upset if I left this earth would be my kids. We have a great relationship, even with the teen. But they have to love me, it's biological, right? No one else seems to notice I'm slipping away. I have just been rejected by someone I honestly thought was on the exact same wavelength as me, and kind to boot. I am broken. Every day is a struggle to stay alive and carry on. I am in so much emotional pain, but more and more convinced they can't all be wrong. There must be something about me that people hate, so maybe they're right. I mean, Hitler thought he was doing the right thing, after all.

I cry every day. I don't sleep anymore. Sorry it's long. TL;DR I appear to have no one in my life who cares and I think it's my fault.

My AIBU is whether I am unreasonable to think it's me who is at fault.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

11 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Merryoldgoat · 18/01/2024 18:54

It’s not your fault that you have been abused and mistreated - not at all. But you sound a bit like a passenger in your life, not actually actively making changes. Just careering from one mess to another without trying to improve things in a real way.

What help have you had to improve your life and decision making?

Gottobeme · 18/01/2024 19:01

Merryoldgoat · 18/01/2024 18:54

It’s not your fault that you have been abused and mistreated - not at all. But you sound a bit like a passenger in your life, not actually actively making changes. Just careering from one mess to another without trying to improve things in a real way.

What help have you had to improve your life and decision making?

I moved countries twice. I removed myself from toxic people and situations. I raised a child alone while doing my degree, then supported both of us for years alone. I changed jobs when I was unhappy, changed for promotions, too. I built up enough savings even after the divorce to buy my own place. I sought help, I did everything I was told in CBT and counselling. I actively tried to make connections, I actively stay in touch with people. I am known to be proactive in everything I do. Not a passenger, but despite best efforts I am here.

OP posts:
poohsticks13 · 18/01/2024 19:13

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you've had all these awful experiences. It broke my heart reading about your mother's treatment of you, in particular.

None of this is your fault.

Your children love you and are bonded with you because you are obviously a brilliant mum. You mean the world to them and you do matter.

I'm sure someone will be along to offer you better advice but I didn't want to read and run.

juice92 · 18/01/2024 19:51

I am so sorry this is the situation you are in at the moment. Look how strong and resilient you are, despite having what feels like the world against you, you have children who love you, and a successful career.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to give a bit of a handhold.

Gottobeme · 18/01/2024 20:00

Thank you. I don't have any resilience left, though. The rejection should have been a minor blip, but it crushed me. I cried today at work about the way I was treated by some customers, which I used to be able to just ignore. My car gave off a funny smell after being driven in the cold and the thought of having to deal with it not working sent my anxiety sky-high.

Yes, my children love me. They are the only thing I'm staying alive for, but it becomes harder every day to convince myself that they wouldn't be better off with someone stronger. Someone better. Someone with a support network.

And if you're all right and I didn't deserve all this, then why am I so alone?

OP posts:
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