Is this a red flag (Relative)

[Tegridyfarms]

Hi, I am trying to process a close relative of mine dying. They were abusive to me when I was young (Physical and mental.) but we reconnected about 20 years ago. They said they had changed and for the most part they had. However, I was doing the majority of their care for the last 4 years. I'm only just realising some things now I've had time to think.
A few years ago they wanted to decorate for Christmas. Because of their limited mobility I had to do it for them. They wanted every room done, bedroom, kitchen, hallway, lounge, bathroom. It took weeks, it was still being done on the 24th. Anyway, finally get it done. I'm exhausted, have more chores to do when they decide on a whim that they want a storage stool, full of their regular ornaments, taken out from the lounge to the communal hallway. This would consist of taking out all the ornaments, moving the (Heavy!) stool, then taking the ornaments a bit at a time out to the stool. I said no, as it wasn't in anyway necessary they just decided on a whim, I still had other things to do like empty the bins. Well, they had an actual temper fit ranting and raving and for the one and only time, took their rubbish bin down to the outside bins themselves. They were in a right huff for the rest of the day and was really off with me for three weeks, like only talking to me when they had to, very stern, etc. From then on I never said no again, I was too scared to. Was that a red flag/abuse, or am I just sensitive because of previous behaviour?

Your relative treated you badly, but if they've died now it's best to try and let them go, so they don't have any more hold on your thoughts and feelings. Look ahead.

Thank you. I think it might be because I've never really had any therapy for my early years. Even when they were alive I would sometimes look at them and think , how can you just sit there like nothings happened when you used to do X to me?!

Did you have a family of your own OP?

They were my mum. I have two sisters.

Sorry OP, your Mum was horrible and you were her scapegoat.

I felt like it TBH but I also loved her. It's confusing. 😕

Bumping for the morning crowd.

I think you'd get more help from the Stately Homes threads OP - all people who have difficult paternal relationships.

December 2023 - So we took you to stately homes

This is the Stately Homes thread title in the Relationships section OP

It sounds like your relationship with your mother was a very, very complicated one. I think this is probably the case for a lot of people who have an abusive parent - it's not easy to just switch off your love for a parent, even when they've treated you appallingly (as it sounds like your mother did).

Now that your mother has died, I think you need to acknowledge to yourself that:

• It's normal and OK to be angry with someone who did awful things to you, even if you are also sad that they have died.
• It's normal and OK to be sad that someone you who awful things to you has died, even if you are also angry with them.

You should not feel weird or guilty either for being angry and hurt by your mother's abuse, or for still having feelings of love/sadness for someone who abused you.

Ultimately, your mother has gone now, and nothing is going to change the past history you have with her. I can absolutely see why you're asking yourself whether certain things she did to you as an adult were abusive/red flags, but I think the real value for you here is probably not so much 'Should I have recognised certain behaviours as abuse from my mother?' but 'Could I recognise these behaviours as abuse if someone else were to behave like towards me in future?' It's that second question that will help you most.

I don't know if that was actually abuse but they were definitely being cheeky by expecting you to do so much and then completely unreasonable for being in a huff. Maybe she enjoyed having the power over you so kept finding more things for you to do?
I think it's completely normal that you feel confused - that you love her yet still have this reservations about her. Children often love their abusive parents. Maybe she had changed from your childhood but still had certain difficult personality traits. I understand why you need to try and make sense of it all.
I think it helps to see people as very complex - most people are neither purely good nor evil but somewhere between the two. Maybe your mum had tried to improve her personality but hadn't fully succeeded and you could see elements of your old mum.
A very close relative of mine is also difficult but also a good person in many ways. It's difficult to try and reconcile these two sides of their character.

Thank you so much for your replies. I was thinking myself about this, 'but 'Could I recognise these behaviours as abuse if someone else were to behave like towards me in future?'
I wonder if you would indulge me some more, Things are coming to me and I'm trying to unpick it all. Also, I don't know if this was a kind of abuse or if I'm being sensitive.

Everyday when I went into her she would be miserable. She'd moan about this and that. She would always complain about one particular friend who would phone her but mum said would make no effort to talk/make conversation and she would have to do all the talking. However, she did the same thing to me daily!
I believe at times, and it was getting more frequent (She had nothing wrong mentally.) that she would gas light me. We would be talking about say, The Wizard Of Oz, then she would just randomly say, 'Yeah, but Janet never liked eggs anyway.' Where the fuck did talking about Janet come from?! If I pulled her up on it she'd excuse it by saying there was a link to it in her head.
I ask because at the funeral, and meeting people she would have had dealings with, they all said she was always joking and smiling!
Her excuse for her behaviour with me was, 'I can be myself with you.' She really was miserable with me and I didn't recognise her from others description of her. It really made me wonder why she was so different with me.
Am I being uber sensitive, or was her behaviour wrong?

Sorry to bump but I have no one irl to talk to about this. :(

I think.its important to understand what you want the ultimate outcome to be.

The facts are that you had a poor relationship with your mother and wish that it was different.

It can never be different. No one can go back in time. No one can understand he reasoning and thought process. No one can make her say sorry and make it better.

So what do you want? And will dwelling on it help. Or would just drawing a line and moving on help?

And the two examples you give are very very different.

Raging because someone won't do something you want particularly after that person is helping is clearly wrong.

Going off on tangents is what a lot of people do, and particularly as they get older. It's really irritating but not wrong.

So the last two examples you gave (your mum bring smiley and happy with others but miserable with you, and her going off on weird tangents in conversation) - in isolation neither of those sound abusive or like gaslighting to me. However, you're the one who saw the big picture, not me.
Regarding being miserable around you and happy with others and her saying "It's because I can be myself around you". I can kind of relate to that. I'm often very jolly and funny around friends then get home and feel exhausted with the effort it took (I'm an introvert so get worn out after social things) and can be grumpy and miserable with DH. I know this wrong and unfair on DH. I try not to be because he'll leave me if I carry on like that! However, I do think it's fairly normal that you might feel comfortable enough to be grumpy and moody with the people you're closest to. It's not fair if she was always like that you. She should have made more of an effort, for your sake. However, it's probably true when she was saying she could be herself with you..
The second thing about going off on weird tangents. My DH does this all the time. He's not gaslighting me he just has a weird, active brain that jumps all over the place.. But you knew your mum - maybe she was doing it to be unkind, to change the course of the conversation, to stop you saying what you're trying to say. I have no idea why she did it
As people get older they can become more grumpy and struggle to focus on conversations. That's normal.
The fact is she's gone now and you find her difficult and unkind when you were growing up. You need to find peace somehow. I hope you can. Maybe she was like this because of her own upbringing.

Thank you all so much, I do really appreciate the replies/advice. I am on the waiting list (2 months) for CBT, and am on the wait list for a autism assessment (March/April.). It's also good to get an outside perspective.
Thanks.