To throw half their toys away including Xmas presents

[Tiredboymum22]

We live in a small 2-bed terrace house and DS has so so many toys. Just to give you some idea, there's no porch or hallway. We have a small living room, one double bedroom and one medium but narrow bedroom that currently looks like a jumble sale. Our 8m old is still in with us as there's no room for him in DS’ room.

DS has ASD and gets upset when we move stuff (even stuff he doesn't play with anymore). DH is the same, but the lack of space and sheer amount of pointless toys is stressing me out. DS showed an interest in Pokemon so his dad bought him about 50 plushies which are collectibles and I'm not allowed to sell or keep at my mum’s house. DS doesn't play with them imaginatively or play with them at all actually but he won't let anyone touch them. Before Christmas, he was obsessed with Peppa Pig so DH bought him the entire Peppa Pig toy collection (secondhand). He lines them up and looks at them which is fair enough but they take up a LOT of room. Then my MIL turned up with a wooden table she'd upcycled which takes up even more space (I know I sound ungrateful but our home is tiny). He also has all the numberblocks and math links. And they collect hot wheel cars together from charity shops/car boots.

There’s no room for a second bed. We can barely move in here, but if I throw anything out I'm the bad guy when I'm just trying to create a functional, safe space. At this point it's a health and safety hazard but there's no negotiating with them and I'll never hear the end of it if I throw stuff out.

(We used to rent a 3-bed but the LL sold it while I was pregnant and this was all we could afford).

I’m overwhelmed.

Don't throw them out! I would have a big sort out, charity shop some and box others up to put away and then cycle round when he gets bored of what he has. If no space beg from a relative with a garage!

YANBU.
I would have a massive sort out and invest in some decent storage if you can -shelves/underbed/hanging nets -make the most of wall space. I would speak with DH and your mum and tell them that they need to calm it down with the gifts that take up stacks of space. Do you have a loft?

I don't blame you for wanting a clear out when space is at such a premium. Would having lots of tall but shallow bookcases, like Ikea Billy bookcases, help with storage? If DS likes to be able to see everything arranges but doesn't actually want to play with them?

It sounds like your DH is the real problem by buying this stuff in the first place. What DS doesn't have he won't miss, but it's only to be expected that a young child is going to be unhappy about having his toys taken away. Why is your DH buying so much when storage is an issue?

sounds like your DH is the real problem by buying this stuff in the first place. What DS doesn't have he won't miss, but it's only to be expected that a young child is going to be unhappy about having his toys taken away.

Agree. Also, why did your MIL bring over a table she upcycled, did your DH say you needed one?

Swap rooms, put the 2 children in the biggest room, put up shelving and get a mid rise bed for your eldest, that way he can store stuff under it. Your DH and yourself don't need the biggest room, kids always have more stuff than parents.

Can you get thin tall shelves or something where you can maximise all the way to ceiling? Id just get rid of this table. It's not needed what you need is functional storage!

Get rid.

Going forwards make it part of the routine that toys only take up x space so for a new arrival something has to go.

DH and I are both autistic but my mum would do clear outs and his wouldn't.

Now as adults I can get rid of stuff and can't.

The more you do it the less painful it gets.

Why did you accept the table? You just say “no thank you, we don’t have the space”.

Same here

I bin or donate when he’s at school

I’ve just bought a bean bag cover to house various plushies or dust catchers as I call them

My son is autistic too and gets upset if I say we need to cull his stash

You are heading towards a hoard.
Your DH is your problem. Why in the hell did he buy 50! Plushies in one go.
What is his solution or plan for where they all go?
I’d be concerned if I was you. An adult should
be able to sensibly let go of excess stuff. The fact that he can’t would be ringing big alarm bells. This is unlikely to improve.

I know how you feel. We have so many toys it is overwhelming. They don't get used, they just get moved around the house as I'm cleaning and I feel like cleaning would take half the time if we didn't have so much stuff I have to constantly move out of the way before I can get anything done. We have every car, dinosaur, costume ever. I've asked family to stop buying new toys and I'm sure they think either a) I'm mean or b) that I don't mean it and if I do mean it, it doesn't apply to them.

No advice on what to do with your current stash of stuff, but going forward, ask family for clothes or days out instead of toys.

Sounds like DH got his hoarding tendencies from his MIL. Some people who hold onto stuff decide to offload it onto others rather than get rid of it, then you're the bad guy for making the decision they were too weak to make.

It also sounds like DH isn't having to deal with this. So put this problem back onto him. Where does he think the stuff should go? Where does he think the kids should go? Is he willing to get a better job to pay for a better house?

We're in an identical tiny house with 2 kids and hoarding PILs who try to offload stuff on us (which DH sends back with them every time) so I really feel for you. We do a toy rotation with things in the cupboard above the stairs between times and we're still really stretched for space.

I think you need to sit down and have an open and frank discussion with DH about maybe a one-in-one-out policy on toys. Maybe if he stopped compulsively spending on so much stuff, you would have more money for a bigger house. Those toys can't have been cheap.

The first thing to do is to stop anymore stuff coming into the house. You need to tell your DH to stop buying stuff and let MIL know that anything she gives from now on will have to stay at her house.

If it's going to upset your DC to throw things out, I'd start by organising stuff so you know what you have, and then getting it out of sight so you're less stressed. Do you have a loft? I'm assuming not or it's full. What about a garden? Can you get a couple of those large waterproof garden boxes and dump a load of stuff in them, out of your house?

And then you need vertical storage to make the most of the space you do have. Any room for a huge IKEA kallax unit anywhere? You'll need to attach it to the wall, but takes up limited floor space and holds a lot of stuff. Billy bookcases also a good call. A mid-sleeper with drawers/storage underneath?

YANBU to want to cull the toys, but I think it’s pointless unless you also manage to convince your DH to stop buying stuff.

It sounds like he’s the main problem here, buying a child 50 plushies and the entire Peppa Pig range when you’re seriously lacking space isn’t sensible behaviour. It’s the sort of thing that makes me think your DH would also be the type to go and buy replacements for anything you do throw out without getting everyone’s agreement.

In the meantime, is there any storage that’s out of sight? It might be easier to convince DH / DS to let things go if you can demonstrate that they’ve not missed whatever it is for 6 months first?

My daughter doesn’t like to get rid of stuff either. So we allow things to be “stored” in the attic.

About 18 months later I’ll check in with her in the items and invariably the connection with most of the items has passed. At that point they go off to the charity shop. She just finds the initial finality of decision making hard so this softens the blow. She’s a teenager.

What is DH thinking of???? He buys ONE toy of interest, not the lot. You have to get him on board with this.
Then I’d surreptitiously fill a bag a week for a charity shop. What they don’t see……
Any chance your son can have a high bed with storage beneath?

Speak to DH and speak to MIL

its unfair for presents to be given to a child and then taken off them.

if you don’t want them in the house you need to intervene before they are given.

I feel for you as my youngest is attached to every tiny thing she owns and her room is a proper mess. She does know each item and love it though.

Try and stop more coming in

buying a 50 plushies that are collectibles obv cost a bit - and buying the entire Peppa Pig range (it's huge and we have a lot) send a little mad

I admit I hoard and have clutter but I have Storage boxes which helps

Missed how old child is but assume under 5

Does dh often buy entire collections rather then one item

Op YANBU it sounds mental but you need DH to stop bringing stuff into the house.

If he has 50 plushies - try and figure out which are valuable and favorites and bump the rest.

Give DH the job of selling, charity shopping or go straight for the black bin. DH needs to realise less is more in a situation like this

Your DH needs to think about how he provides love and support to his child.

Somehow he has equated love to stuff - I provided 50 plushies, what a great dad!

Instead of love meaning interaction and parenting- I sat down with my son and talked to him all about his new interest. In the process I helped pass on that happiness is not the same as shopping and hoarding.

The second example is obviously much better parenting but not as immediately flashy.

You say he doesn't play with them imaginatively, but his lining up and looking at them is his way of playing with them. He's just not doing it in the usual way.

We have successfully passed things on by saying that we're giving them to X Y Z (cousin for things we've passed on, the children who don't have toys etc.) and this has always been well received by him.

DH likes to collect stuff as well. It’s a comfort to him. Pop funkos, Pokemon cards, etc. We had no choice but to get rid of stuff when we moved so I feel like he’s doing it vicariously through DS’ interests.

I'm looking at outdoor storage now.

We had to really get a grip of the in laws. Apparently if it was a ' bargain' from the tip/car boot/charity shop it wasn't shopping and therefore free and yet valuable at the same time.

To ourselves we started framing it as 'is shopping a useful leisure activity that we want to be a big part of our lives' what do we want our kids to remember?
We cut down on the weekly car boot trips, made weekends about walks, museums anything but buying stuff.

Container idea - this is the space for models, this is the space for books, etc

We sold all my childhood Lego ( complete with boxes, the cool stuff) , all DHs D&D (White Dwarf issue 1, all the very early books) overall we made a lot of middle aged people happy but we'd stored it for 30years and it went up less than inflation to what my parents paid. Great as played with toys but It was a loss as an investment and £800 only covers a month at uni. It's a lot of work even selling at £70 a pop to get to that. We've probably covered one child for six months.

My parents kept every single toy my brother & I had. It came out the loft with the original boxes looking tired, sad and of no interest to my kids. They didn't want a fisher price farm with plastic fatigue they want a FEW this generation Peppa pig things.

There is a point where it's tough with even the biggest of homes but we all have to tackle it and how we are going to parent our kids and their attitude to shopping, collecting and stuff.

Good luck!

Get your DH to watch a few episodes of Sort Your Life Out with you.

I found it eye opening and changed the way I look at both stuff (need a lot less) and storage (need more, needs to be organised)