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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fell out with best friend of 15 years…

16 replies

Overthebs · 18/01/2024 08:15

Hello wondering if AIBU?
Context: fell out with BF of 15 years, I can’t put too much info just incase it outs but basically, things happened on both sides for us, disagreements and poor MH. We didn’t speak for months and she initiated contact to ask to meet -up we did and she said she wanted to talk about it and wanted to sort it out. We agreed we’d be friends again, and met up quite often after that. But more recently I’ve not heard from her much, I mean like barely messages and goes ages without replying to my messages (which I understand it’s life and we’re all busy) but it seems she’s choosing to put her time elsewhere ie going out with other friendship groups a lot.. etc…

And, I can’t help but feeling she just wanted to make up because she couldn’t stand someone in her life not wanting to speak to her/ now we’ve made up it’s kinda like.. either punishing me for the falling out- or isn’t really interested In a friendship.

I feel like just ghosting her rather than being in this limbo of second guessing our friendship and tbh I felt like it was easier when we didn’t speak … AIBU?
Should I just take it for what it is and be really low key? Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
bombardelli · 18/01/2024 08:21

YANBU. Sounds like she’s ghosting you so ghost her right back. Don’t message her again and if you don’t hear from her in a few weeks block her.

TygerPassant · 18/01/2024 08:23

Well, do you value the friendship? Do you want this person in your life? You don’t get to dictate who else she sees, obviously.

Mothership4two · 18/01/2024 08:27

I wouldn't give it much headspace. Do your own thing and concentrate on closer friends. Your friendship has obviously changed since you fell out and become more distant. If it was me, I'd carry on treating your 'friendship' the same way she does. However, the fact that you prefer the time when you weren't in contact, it sounds pretty much as though you want to move on and end the friendship.

Original poster
Overthebs · 18/01/2024 08:27

TygerPassant · 18/01/2024 08:23

Well, do you value the friendship? Do you want this person in your life? You don’t get to dictate who else she sees, obviously.

No of course I don’t .. and I’m glad she is accessing other friendship groups for going on nights out (something I don’t really do or value anymore).
but.. it does feel like she’s choosing to spend her spare time elsewhere.. context we both have children and our own lives so don’t get loads of free time! And as for the messages .. she’s on SM cos I can see it (again I don’t expect a message straight back.. but sometimes it’s over a month inbetween) so the ‘oh I’m just never on my phone’ isn’t an excuse..! Then I feel awkward replying cos I’m like it’s been ages and I don’t feel I have anything new to message or offer and cos it’s not regular contact it feels awkward

OP posts:
ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 18/01/2024 08:29

I think she's told you by her actions that the friendship as you know it is over or at the very least more distant. You have spoken and cleared the air but it seems for her, she cannot get over what has happened between you.

Personally I'd let the friendship come to a natural conclusion on its own.

Shoxfordian · 18/01/2024 08:29

It sounds like she wants to have you in her life but at much more of a distance, things can't go straight back to normal after you fell out

Original poster
Overthebs · 18/01/2024 08:29

.. and I do want her in my life we get on, we laugh so much when together and have a lot in common.. I dunno, maybe it just feels where at different places in life now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Overthebs · 18/01/2024 08:31

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 18/01/2024 08:29

I think she's told you by her actions that the friendship as you know it is over or at the very least more distant. You have spoken and cleared the air but it seems for her, she cannot get over what has happened between you.

Personally I'd let the friendship come to a natural conclusion on its own.

Yes I’m getting that feeling, I’m just confused and upset because she kinda initiated a closer relationship after we made up and was reallY keen to sort it out. but seems recently she’s changed her mind. Ngl it’s hurtful.. part of me wonders if it’s trying to ‘get back at me’ for what happened like a punishment of sorts!

OP posts:
Mewtwoo · 18/01/2024 08:31

Put as much effort in as she does. If she doesn't message you then you don't message her.

blackpanth · 18/01/2024 08:32

YANBU

EvilElsa · 18/01/2024 08:34

Your relationship has changed and that's ok. Maybe she doesn't feel as comfortable around you as she did. I would see the make up as closure, like ending a relationship on a good note, and move on. Unfollow on social media if you feel bad seeing what she is up to and spend your time with other friends. If she messages you can be pleasant but treat it as more of a casual thing rather than "best friends".

AngelinaFibres · 18/01/2024 09:05

Some friendships last forever, some come to a natural end. It sounds like this one is fading away. That's fine. It's not a failure. Find new people, put more effort into other relationships/ activities. If she texts about meeting up in the future and you fancy it , then go. If she doesn't and the friendship fades away that's fine. Don't chase people who are walking away. Why would you want to bother with that?

SisterSabotage · 18/01/2024 09:16

I kind of get it.

Sometimes we get irritated with a friend, try to box on and things are at first good as we feel relieved that the awkwardness is past, then the old resentment starts to bubble again. Or somewhere along the way we lost the love for the friendship it we didn't quite realise.

I think your friend genuinely wanted to make up and hoped to continue the friendship as before but the truth is that it had changed irretrievably. As she realises this, she loses the instinct to be in touch.

Truthfully, if she was keener, would you be glad or would you feel like actually you had lost interest? Sometimes we only want something until we have it.

But in your situation I think I'd just let it go. She's let you down and it's time for you to focus on better friendships. I wouldn't ghost, just drop her priority rating.

Mothership4two · 18/01/2024 09:25

I have seen several times where there has been a falling out and the friendship dynamic changes afterwards. Friends have said that it just doesn't feel the same as it did. Maybe that is what your friend is feeling OP? She wanted to reconcile but maybe she can't go back to how she felt about you and your friendship?

Friendships sometimes ebb and flow throughout your life. Maybe in the future you will pick up again?

I'm a strong believer in listening to what people do and not what they say. She is being more distant which indicates how she is feeling towards you and what she wants.

Mothership4two · 18/01/2024 09:27

@SisterSabotage

But in your situation I think I'd just let it go. She's let you down and it's time for you to focus on better friendships. I wouldn't ghost, just drop her priority rating.

Good advice

RatatouillePie · 18/01/2024 09:39

You're over-thinking this.

Friendships come and go. People change. Life changes. That's life.

You WERE great friends. You're now just friends. Friendship is on a scale, so just because you're not best friends any more and meeting up all the time, it doesn't mean you're not friends. It's no big deal.

Her life has changed, things have moved on. She no doubt is busy, hangs out with others perhaps?

Stop dwelling and go meet some new people.

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