Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

17 year old son spending on girlfriend

32 replies

elleing · 18/01/2024 06:09

My DS is 17, 18 in April, he's been in a relationship either a girl of the same age since about spring last year. He works part time.
At Christmas DS spent £250+ on her, seemed like a lot but seemed to be reciprocated.
Now DS has just told be he had bought her a £100 tote bag (yes the canvas type that are flimsy) from Ralph Lauren as she'll love it and something else from Nike at £115.

He makes about about £100 a week so this isn't a small amount for him.

AIBU to be concerned? Spoil I have a conversation about not being materialistic?

She's a lovely lovely girl, he's been best friends with her twin brother since they were 11 so I know her very well, I'm not thinking this is coming from her asking but him just wanting to surprise her.
He's tried to justify it by saying she or her brother drive him to school most days (he hasn't past his test yet and it's an unreliable bus away otherwise) so this is his payment to her!

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/01/2024 06:28

He's trying to show his love for her isn't he? I think I would just talk to him about different ways of doing that rather than just spending such a lot of money.

Ormside · 18/01/2024 06:38

Others may disagree but it seems very normal these days. I actually like that my DSs (2) are/were so thoughtful to their GFs. One is almost 30 and is marrying the same partner he had at your DS'S age. The other is 20 and is also still with his childhood sweetheart.
The gifts seem to be reciprocal and it's their money they're spending.

Blueberry911 · 18/01/2024 06:45

Have you taught him how to budget his £100 a week wage? When I had my first part time job, I was sat down and taught about always saving half of my wage by my parents.

I cannot say I still save half my wage, different when you have kids and a mortgage! 😁

OhGoOnThen0 · 18/01/2024 09:18

I dont see the issue at all.

GavinHendersonsChipPan · 18/01/2024 09:22

sounds like a romantic, thoughtful young man who hopefully won’t grow up to be a mumsnetter’s husband who buys her a book she already has and a spray mop

what’s ‘materialistic’ about buying someone a nice gift?

probably a poor use of funds seeing as he earns for little, but he’s obviously in the throes of love, it’s being reciprocated and teens do famously spend money on shite once they get a taste of earning their own money.

Excited101 · 18/01/2024 09:23

I think it’s lovely. He’s being generous, sounds like the lifts are very very useful to him and she sounds like a fairly solid bet if you/he’s known her for a really long time. I’d maybe remind him how much it is of his wage that he’s spending, and warn him to maybe dial it back a bit. But ultimately this is ‘his way’ and it sounds alright.

eandz13 · 18/01/2024 09:24

I absolutely see your point of view, but I do agree with others that this is pretty normal at that age. He sounds very sweet.

Whataretheodds · 18/01/2024 09:28

What's he gi ing to her brother as payment for lifts?

SKG231 · 18/01/2024 09:28

It’s how they show their love and commitment at that age. I wouldn’t worry. As long as he seems happy just let him be.

carmexmum · 18/01/2024 09:28

Agree this could be frustrating to watch, but I remember being in this dynamic at their age. Its part of the growing up process!

takealettermsjones · 18/01/2024 09:28

By all means remind him about budgeting, but I think he's got a good attitude in that he wants to repay her for the kindness of giving him lifts etc. Of course he shouldn't be spending beyond his means so as long as he's not buying things on credit, he's doing fine. I think you can be proud of your son OP!

Moier · 18/01/2024 09:29

Bless him.. my 18 Year old Grandson is the same but not to the extend of designer bags at that price.. just cute little gifts.. but he does spend a lot traveling to see her on the train every holiday.. he's at a tiny Uni and works part time.
He's been brought up to treat women ( well everyone with respect).. he remembers his abusive Dad whom he's chosen not to see..
Maybe have a word that yes he can treat her but not to that extend.

ronoi · 18/01/2024 09:33

It's within normal to spend a lot: I think we have social media to blame for that, however, it's not at all normal to spend a lot when your income is so low. When DD started spending that kind of money she was on a full time wage.

anonqrtb · 18/01/2024 09:33

Leave him to it! His money, his girlfriend.

If you have this conversation, his future wife will be on mumsnet in 20 years complaining that your DS is a tightwad who never treats her to anything and is selfish.

Be proud that you raised such a kind, considerate and generous man!

Namenamchange · 18/01/2024 09:43

Just leave them too it, just don’t lend him any money

Moreorlessmentallystable · 18/01/2024 10:51

How lovely that he is so generous. Only thing I would say is sit with him to teach him about budgeting, lovely thoughtful gifts but maybe more sporadic, budgeting according to how income?

beachcitygirl · 18/01/2024 12:19

Lovely kid. You've raised a son to be proud of. If he comes to you looking to be financially bailed out then I would raise it and not before.

Dantedisciple · 18/01/2024 13:07

Poor boy. It's one of the ways that the patriarchy punishes men.
Although Andrew Tate would disagree and say it is one of the ways boys prove their manhood.

Sparklesocks · 18/01/2024 13:10

If he is happy to do it and not getting into debt/financial difficulty because of it I think it’s okay. It’s sweet, maybe his love language is gift giving.

pinkyredrose · 18/01/2024 13:12

What's it got to do with you?

tennesseewhiskey1 · 18/01/2024 13:15

What it got to do with you? He’s earning the money (legally I assume) and he wants to spend it on his gf? I’m confused with the issue.

MatildaTheCat · 18/01/2024 13:20

My DS and his gf were a bit like this early on. Neither had much money. I did quietly say that maybe setting a budget that they both stuck to would be helpful to them both and spending a lot wasn’t a sign that their feelings were greater. He agreed and they did stick to small but thoughtful gifts after that. They’ve been together forever now and do spend more but it’s not excessive.

Dont you have any responsibility for financing his school transport? Maybe separate that and you should be buying a gift or contributing to petrol? That might take some of the pressure off.

Finally, he could be spending some of that cash on them doing things together rather than material stuff. He must be very tight for cash if he’s earning so little and spending so much?

LarkspurLane · 18/01/2024 13:22

tennesseewhiskey1 · 18/01/2024 13:15

What it got to do with you? He’s earning the money (legally I assume) and he wants to spend it on his gf? I’m confused with the issue.

He's 17. If he is spending all his money on presents for his girlfriend, I'd be a bit worried he can't budget very well.

I wonder if she is spending equally on him. I wouldn't be as bothered about it if she was.

kintra · 18/01/2024 13:24

I disagree with the overall consensus so far, that seems far too much to be spending on 'just because' gifts! Especially on that wage. A large amount at Christmas IMO, but fine, it's Christmas. But setting a precedent and expectation of expensive gifts is asking for trouble really.

girlfriend44 · 18/01/2024 13:39

making a rod for his own back, hell need to keep this up? where does she think he gets the money from?

Flip

1 2