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to stop making any effort with family who belittle you?

14 replies

sandysings · 17/01/2024 23:53

Made an effort to see an elderly relative today and in the time I was there they made multiple digs, brought up things from my past that they know I am sad about. Told me I was always hopeless even as a child and so on. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to upset another family member there but I just feel done with them and like I won't ever bother with them again. They must be totally miserable to speak to someone like that and try to make them feel like shit.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

46 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Tuelanak · 17/01/2024 23:54

Went no contact with my toxic (and at times abusive) in laws
Best decision ever.

Life's too short to deal with that crap

sandysings · 17/01/2024 23:59

@Tuelanak I totally agree, I just wish I'd been less of a mug to bother with them again in the first place!

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DeeCeeCherry · 18/01/2024 00:03

I wouldnt have anything to do with people like that. I never understand why, due to blood ties (so what?) people spend time with those who are critical, judgmental, unkind. Its like being a glutton for punishment. Throw off the shackles and live.

Achillo · 18/01/2024 00:05

I have also gone no contact with family members like this. After a few years I can safely say it was one of the best things I have ever done. My kids are so glad too, even though it means they don't have the family contact, because they could see even clearer than me how bad it was. I grew up used to it so it took me ages to walk away.
It feels like the good bit of my life only really started then. I finally had a chance.
I really recommend it even though it feels a bit strange to begin with. But lots of good things can come into the space toxic people leave, which would never happen when they are still there.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/01/2024 00:10

Your silence during the nasty comments was very restrained.
They've burned their bridges so don't waste any time or headspace on them again.

APickUpFullOfPinkCarnations · 18/01/2024 00:13

Tuelanak · 17/01/2024 23:54

Went no contact with my toxic (and at times abusive) in laws
Best decision ever.

Life's too short to deal with that crap


Can't say it any better than that. I've gone NC/LC with those that belittled me and my mental health is 100% better. Do it!

Gymnopedie · 18/01/2024 00:14

AIBU to stop making any effort with family who belittle you?

Absolutely YANBU. Why would you ever give them the opportunity to behave like that towards you again? Wash your hands of them.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/01/2024 01:22

You gave them the benefit of the doubt. If you continue to see them then that does make you a mug. You should really have said okay I'm off now the first time they said anything horrible.

onemorerose · 18/01/2024 01:31

Why did they start on this course? Reminds me of a time I was out with my dad and he annoyed me and the rest of the night I kept getting digs in reminding him of asshole things he had done when I was young. I realise this makes me the asshole. Maybe I am the aashole but I’m definitely miserable a lot. Your family member could be the same way. I think the world of my dad, he’d just annoyed me that day.

TheSandgroper · 18/01/2024 02:50

Sometimes loss of filter is from extreme old age.

My dear aged aunt, who had worked all her life as typiste to the Premier so needed extreme discretion, would say the most blunt things to various people.

And I have an aunt (who has been very good to me over many years) who more lately has brought me to tears with the hurt she has inflicted. But I keep going back a few times per year.

But it is up to you to decide what you will and won’t be prepared to put up with.

Genuineweddingone · 18/01/2024 03:34

I have just cut off most of my family as they are just nasty to be quite honest. Feel free to come over to the 'we took you to stately homes' thread where a lot of us are in the same boat.

MinnieMountain · 18/01/2024 06:53

I’ve cut contact with my father due to nasty comments. I feel sad that it came to that but it was definitely the right decision.

sandysings · 18/01/2024 18:20

@onemorerose I said nothing to invite them to start on this, it was as soon as I saw them they just started in on me, it was shocking really. I felt like saying "are you really doing this?" However there was another family member there I didn't want to upset by causing a scene.

@TheSandgroper This may be partly true however this person has form for this kind of behaviour in the past when younger. They can seem warm on the surface and they mask their barbs with faux concern but ultimately they go in for the kill and if they don't get a reaction with one thing they try another thing and so on, they are just a toxic person who I suspect is deeply unhappy personally and insecure but I've tried to maintain the relationship in the past and I'm just done, their unhappiness isn't my problem.

To clarify I don't go though life feeling like people are getting at me or being over sensitive, I have encountered people in the past who were the kind of people who needed to bring others down to try and feel better about themselves, they didn't get to me but its worse when its a family member who you would think cares about you.

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sandysings · 18/01/2024 18:22

Thanks everyone for the comments, yep I'm totally done with them from now on. No doubt they will be crying and bad mouthing me to others but everyone knows what they are like.

OP posts:
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