On a cliff edge

[beanys]

Metaphorically speaking just to add!

Mum of 2. Work 3 days a week in a professional role, DH who is a great dad and provides me with some emotional support (but does very little around the house). DH works full time in professional role too. On paper I have a wonderful life. And deep down I know I do but right now I just don't 'feel' it.
Right now I feel as close as I ever have to having some sort of breakdown. Everything feels so flat and numb. I have no energy for conversation and feel rock bottom. I paint a smile during the day for the kids but come bedtime the facade drops. Doctor has currently signed me off work with stress. I just don't know what to do so I can feel normal and back to me again. I honestly don't recognise myself. It scares me.

So as not to drip feed, I have suffered with mental health in the past. First birth I suffered ptsd from very traumatic birth. Had EMDR therapy which worked wonders and I was able to process what had happened. Second birth was healing but had pnd and went on Sertraline for a year. Have now been off it a year and thought I was doing well but have now reached the pits.

I guess my aibu is am I allowed to feel this way and be signed off work. Doesn't everyone find life hard? My colleagues are picking up my slack, they have their own stuff going on and they all manage. Why can't I?!

Unfortunately, mental health problems don't always work logically. Yes, you are allowed to feel like you do, and yes, you are allowed to be signed off work so that you can recover.

You might be suffering because of SAD, you might just be worn out - working and bringing up children, running a house, etc etc all use up mental energy.

You might want to consider trying another anti depressant, and/or having a good think about whether there is anything that you can change in your life to help your mental health. Make sure that you are getting the basics - enough good sleep, enough fresh air and exercise, a good nutritious diet.

You might also consider CBT to help with valuing yourself and your health.

Take it easy, life is challenging.

((((HUG))))

easier said than done, I know, but don't worry about work. They should get help in. If not the team will have to take up the slack if they want you back well. You will or will have already taken up slack from them.

better to take some time now & build up a bit of strength/resiliance & get well or dont '& fall apart in a couple of months.

do you usually enjoy your job??

Have you talked to your DH? Have you told him he needs to step up with the house, the kids, the cooking, the laundry or whatever you need??

you're not HIS mummy & he needs to pull his adult weight!

use this time to get the house straight or whatever would help you cope better, but also look after yourself. Go for a walk & get a coffee, see family/friends, read a book (whatever you enjoy/makes you happy).

Eat some food that makes you happy.

friends/family/regular baby sitter & go out with DH, leave him home & go out with friends.

swim?!

Make the most of this time x

It sounds like you're doing too much.

And why does your husband get a free ride? We all work hard and most of us still have to do things around the house regardless.

I would suggest going back to your GP for more help. You are not well at the moment, probably need more help at home and need to be gentle with yourself. Depression is an illness that makes it difficult to cope with things that you manage fine at other times (in the same way a physical ailment would). Hope you get better soon.

God love you, it's so hard when you feel like that. I was there a year ago - maybe think about going back on the sertraline if it helped before? Also talk to your DH. He needs to take more of the load while you're feeling like this (not more than he currently is - more than you), and then when you're feeling better he still needs to be doing his share.

Honestly, I think it's not unusual but you've hit the bottom nearly, but you've got experience and have recognised it.
Firstly, work - not your problem, they need to accommodate your needs, you're not their robot, you're a human with health issues.
Secondly, it's ok to feel like this, it won't be forever, but it is for now. Can you seek EDMR again if it worked before?
Are you back on antidepressants?
My brother and I both suffer with MH issues, he told me to properly rest for a few days, do one thing each day to start building you back up again, even just buying a magazine or book and start reading, go to the recycling centre, book a hair appointment, go for a walk or cycle, go out for a coffee etc ... small things and build on that.
Get your DH to take some of the 'mother's burden' for a while, it grinds you down!!
Are you in a position to get a cleaner for a while, just to take away some of the drudgery? I get someone in to do our bathrooms and floors, then, even if I only cook dinner, the house is 'fine' DH sorts washing, kids do the dishes, most other things can wait (a long time in my house!!)
Good luck, but above all, it's your time to be cared for - and that's ok x