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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unsupportive husband

18 replies

RainbowBabyMam · 17/01/2024 21:44

Just need somewhere to vent a bit..
I have a 2 year old daughter, she is amazing, does have tantrums but usually due to being tired or hungry and are quite short lived, this week however she has been very unwell, high temp, bad stomach, constipated (been to gp and having treatment).
My issues are that my husband who works from home, is unable to deal with any sort of crying or whining, I am very much gentle Parenting style, talk her though it, try and shift focus onto something else, but this week she has been so ill and so tired from not sleeping due to illness she has been off the scale upset, the only real time she has been ok is when she is either breastfeeding or the hour after having Calpol which has been challenging go get her to take.
My husband gets very annoyed, snaps, what's wrong, there's nothing wrong with you, I'll put you in your room and give you something to cry about, makes threats and shouts.
Which makes things a million times worse, causes her to be more upset and even vomit, all the while I'm trying to calm her down, and then I have it off him for fussing with her, saying I'm causing the bad behaviour, to put her in her room and let her cry.
I refuse to do this, she is in pain and she needs her mother and comfort. And I don't believe in dealing with any behaviour like this.
I have had hardly any sleep for around a week, I do all night nursings, I do all house work and meet all our daughters needs, make food and everything as I am mindful that he works all day and I am stay at home mum.
I am finding his attitude very difficult and am at my wits end to be honest. Every time she has had a tantrum or complaint about something in the past he always has some kind of dog at me over it.
We are due to be going on holiday in 2 days time, our first family holiday, he has told me to 'take my effing mother' instead. He will just sleep on the sofa and pay the effing bills every month.
He has chosen to sleep on the sofa due to me cosleeping with our daughter, she has been the most awful sleeper at the best of times and it has been the only way to get rest, he has refused to try and sleep in bed, he has refused to sleep in the spare room too, he chooses to go on the sofa, where although not ideal..he does get a full night sleep (and has other options!). The plan was to get her in her own bed once we return from holidays so at least I have a bit of a charge before going but the illness has seen to that now lol.
She has done some nights in her own bed with me getting up about 4 times per night to resettle her and finally giving in as I've been so exhausted.
Any advice on any of the above please?
Sorry that it's long.. I have trimmed a lot out!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 17/01/2024 21:48

I don’t think I could respect him, the way he is with your dd. He sounds horrible. I think he’s finding it hard and your parenting styles are very different. For your sake, I think you’d benefit from considering sleep training, but in all honesty, he needs to attend parenting classes and I think that would be an ultimatum from me.

DustyLee123 · 17/01/2024 21:49

He needs to go out to the library or somewhere to work. And like you say, he could go in the spare room.
But can I ask if you still manage to have sex, if you’re cosleeping?

autienotnaughty · 17/01/2024 22:00

He needs to work elsewhere and get some help for his anger issues.

RainbowBabyMam · 17/01/2024 22:02

Yes I've been reading up on sleep training and considering it.
I have pointed him in direction of different learnings, read things out to him from online sources but he just gives me 'I've had 2 other kids'. ( From a previous relationship They are now teens and has a very disjointed relationship with them).
He could also try and stay in bed the nights where I've attempted to get her to sleep in her own room, but hasn't even tried.

We have had sex twice last year, it's been difficult with sleeping separately, but also I had a coil fitted which has led to me bleeding almost all the time. (due to be removed soon). Another factor of no sex is that he is not looking after is teeth anymore, he is not brushing and in all honesty it's a massive turn off and he's even having bad throats now because of it, I've hinted Nd hinted said he needs to brush more which will help his throat, but he only does it when he's going in the office..which isnt very often.
i honestly feel like I have 2 toddlers sometimes.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 17/01/2024 22:10

You don't know it yet but your relationship is as good as over.

You are 2 very different people, with 2 very contradicting styles of parenting where there is no meet in the middle, especially as he has been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and knows far better than you how to raise kids "properly ".

Will he amend his parenting style? because otherwise you're effectively a single parent in a dual parent household, and in his mind he's the ATM...

Not good.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2024 22:15

He sounds like a horrible, horrible bully. You don’t deal with a child who is ill, upset and in pain by putting them in a room alone - especially not a two yo who is little more than a baby.

You don’t treat a wife who is exhausted and caring for a sick child like he’s treating you - having digs and a go at you.

He may pay bills but he seems to be actively working against your family in all other ways, not just contributing little else.

And small surprise his relationship with the mother of his other children didn’t work out, and he has a crap relationship with them.

I would be looking to divorce him in your shoes.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2024 22:17

The toothbrushing thing is also revolting

HungryandIknowit · 17/01/2024 22:19

He doesn't brush his teeth?! Not nice. He also doesn't sound very nice to your daughter.

RainbowBabyMam · 17/01/2024 22:28

I should add that it's not all awful, (the toothbrushing thing is absolutely awful especially as I am an ex dental nurse so it's a big thing for me).
We do a lot together going out and about, similar interests and sense of humor.
We have good conversation and he will make small efforts here and there with our daughter but it's very minute and very much on his terms or if there's others onlooking so he likes the idea of being portrayed as doing a lot.
We don't have any child care options and creche would mean I would be working just to pay creche fees hence why I am sahm for now.
I do have some income in the form of pip as I have kidney failure, type 1 diabetes, high BP, anemia and now awaiting a lump in my breast to be examined :(. Even with all this going on I am trying so very hard to keep everyone happy when I'm just as exhausted myself.

OP posts:
Bobloblaw84 · 17/01/2024 22:34

It’s time to wean her.

Extended feeding is wonderful but not at the expense of your own health. There is too much going on in your life and something has to give. You all need a good nights sleep and there is no need for night feedings at this age.

RainbowBabyMam · 17/01/2024 22:37

Weaning is definitely on the cards, she has this last few months been sleeping through the night in with me but once in her own bed she is waking so much and only seems to go back to sleep on the boob. It's very hard going especially when I know we will sleep if she's in with me, hence why by the fourth night of it she's back in with me again.

OP posts:
Bobloblaw84 · 17/01/2024 22:38

I also suspect your husband feels very on the outside. You and your daughter have a loving close relationship and his has been reduced down to almost nil. Weaning and sleep training will help give you back some time and space as a couple and reduce his resentment.

I’m not condoning his behaviour. I think it’s vile. But I can also see how the situation would trigger it.

RainbowBabyMam · 17/01/2024 22:44

Thanks I do agree, she has been in a good routine, and we do have time together in the evenings when she goes to bed, (I have bed guards and video monitors to keep her safe), going out for meAls and things we Also do, it's just hard when our daughter is having a tough time it seems like it's all spoilt then because he says hurtful things to me, when we could just get over the tantrum and carry on as per normal and noone is hurt.

OP posts:
Cantalever · 17/01/2024 22:59

You and your DD deserve better than this. No advice but sympathy and hope you can raise the bar here. 🍷

Delphiniumandlupins · 18/01/2024 02:06

Big hugs and hope your DD.is better soon. Your DH may be feeling left out but he's ridiculous to speak like that about your daughter - she's not choosing to feel unwell and unhappy (unlike him who should be able to regulate his feelings as an adult).

Weaning and sleep training will help her. Finding even part-time work will help you. Even if you spend most of your salary on childcare you will benefit from being back in the workforce, updating your skills, adding to your pension etc. You working outside the home will also 'help' your DH to remember that there are several ways a supportive partner contributes to family life and "paying the effing bills" is only a small part

Amybelle88 · 18/01/2024 04:33

If my husband upset my child that much that it made them vomit it would be a straight up LTB for me.

Amybelle88 · 18/01/2024 04:34

Just read the bit about not brushing his teeth...DIGUSTING. Tell him straight - you need to brush your teeth!!!

Codlingmoths · 18/01/2024 04:52

I think you should say you’re right, it’s a better environment for dd if my mum comes on the holiday, she is kind to dd and loves her.
the teeth thing is DISGUSTING. I couldn’t look at him without thinking a huge ick.

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