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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To exchange texts with my ex-boyfriend

15 replies

MummyPenguin · 19/03/2008 09:51

This might be long so apologies in advance.

About 7 months ago, my ex-boyfriend whom I haven't heard from or seen in 16 years found me through FriendsReunited. We started to exchange messages which were just chat about what we'd been doing over the years. He is recently separated and has no children. At the start of this contact DH said he was okay about it and didn't see the ex as a threat. My FriendsReunited subscription eventually ran out, and before it did I exchanged mobile numbers with my ex as I didn't think I was going to bother renewing the Friends account. So now the ex and I exchange texts just to say hi, swap jokes and generally catch up a bit. I admit some ot the messages have been quite flirty but in an entirely innocent jokey manner. However, the ex has hinted in some of his messages that he wishes we hadn't split up and I know, given the chance, he would leap at the opportunity to get back together. He's seen photos on my Friends webpage so knows what I look like now, and has seen photos of me and my family too.

DH has become increasingly more jealous about this contact which is quite out of character for him. He definitely doesn't like me exchanging texts with my ex and I've found myself doing it almost in secret so as not to upset DH. I don't like doing that though as it makes me feel guilty.

There is absolutely no chance of a reconciliation with me and the ex and as a precaution I haven't given him my address, email or home phone number. He only has my mobile number. I don't see anything wrong with exchanging texts with someone from my past. If the ex has more 'feelings' and wants more out of it, that's for him to deal with as far as I'm concerned. However the situation now with DH and the way he is about it, is becoming quite tiresome and I've started to feel that I can't be bothered exchanging these texts any more as it's causing grief. Obviously my loyalties lie with DH and I would never want to hurt him, but I don't feel that I'm doing anything wrong. So what do I do? Honour DH's feelings entirely and sever all contact with my ex or carry on discreetly exchanging messages with the ex?

Incidentally, some years ago, DH had a close friendship with a female colleague and talked about her all the time and even stayed over at her house one night after some sort of do there, despite me making it abundantly clear that I didn't want him to. I wasn't happy about that friendship and felt threatened (I was pregnant at the time) and DH knew that I wanted the friendship ended, knew how I felt about it but carried on regardless. So now I'm feeling a bit pissed off with how he's reacting now.

OP posts:

milkymill · 19/03/2008 09:58

I think seeing as you haven't really had any sort of 'relationship/friendship' with your ex for such a long time, and you don't intend to rekindle one. There's really not much point in continuing to text him, knowing that is causing problems between you and your dh.
I can understand how he would be upset about this, and I don't think whatever he has done in the past should really come into it, as I assume it is in the past.
Yabu

hecate · 19/03/2008 09:59

Have you told him that - drawn the comparison? What did he say?
Perhaps he is feeling so threatened precisely because of that - the guilty are always more suspicious of others than the innocent, iyswim.
But by your own admission, your exchanges are flirty and your husband doesn't like it. It not nice. It's really not.

Are you trying to get your own back on him - even subconsciously - sort of 'see how you like it now the boot's on the other foot' ??

But then you know how it feels for your partner to carry on with a friendship that you are not happy with and 2 wrongs don't make a right.

And finally, what about the ex? the more you carry on, the more you give him the message that there's hope, and despite what you say, that IS the message he is getting, I can guarantee it.

So what to do? Well, it's your choice, but my opinion since you asked the question is that you are being unreasonable. What are you getting out of the communications? An ego boost? revenge? imo you should change your mobile number and stop using/leading on the ex because it is not making your marriage happy. It's going to end in tears. Probably yours.

mishymoo · 19/03/2008 10:01

I think YABU. Your DH obviously doesn't like what you're doing and you obviously remember how you felt when he had that "close friendship with a female colleague", I can't understand why you would want him to feel like that?

beaniesteve · 19/03/2008 10:02

If you are doing it in secret then it's wrong. how often does he text? I have male friends who text every couple of weeks to see how I am but if you're texting a few times a week or more then I think it's going a bit too far and you need to make it clear to the ex that you don't want that kind of relationship... unless of course really deep down you do!

beaniesteve · 19/03/2008 10:06

Oh and it's not fair to draw comparisons with your husband's friendship as a defence. If anything you should be being more sympathetic about how he is feeling.

scottishmummy · 19/03/2008 10:06

anything undertaken in secret that purposefully deceives is wrong you know that.if it isn't wrong tell your dh see what he says

camillathechicken · 19/03/2008 10:08

sounds like you are punishing him for his behavciour with teh female colleague a few years ago.

Honour DH's feelings entirely and sever all contact with my ex or carry on discreetly exchanging messages with the ex?>>>

well, yes, honour your DHs feelings!

if there are underlying issues that you need to deal with, then deal with them

undertaking any sort of secret relationship, even friendship is asking for trouble

cazboldy · 19/03/2008 10:11

fwiw I have been in exactly your situation. My only other bf before dh was my best friends brother. We lost contact for a few years while she went to uni and I moved away from the area, but I moved back about 5 years ago, and we bumped into each other and are really close again. Inevitably I also bumped into her brother, who is still single (well he does have a gf atm)
He must have gotten my number off his sister's phone, and he rang me one day, and we chatted for ages, and caught up, and he started to text me on a regular basis. He is a really nice guy, and if I am honest I am still slightly attracted to him, and he told me he was to me.At the time dh and I were having a bit of a rough patch, and I was so flattered! but tbh i think it was exactly that, flattery, and he felt safe talking to me like that as he knew nothing would ever come of it.
I was always open and honest to dh, used to chat in front of him, and he read a lot of the messages - he is not the jealous sort.
Over time we have become friends, and we still exchange texts regularly, and he always asks my opinion on his new girlfriends! We have both said "in a different life" and all that, but are careful not to get too close, and avoid being flirtatious etc
I am concious of how I would feel if the situation was reversed and it was my dh talking so much to another woman - and I wouldn't like it - I am far more insecure than he is...... but - that would be my problem, not his iyswim.
I think you are making a mistake if you go behind your dh's back, as you are making it more than it is iykwim. Only you can decide.........

mumeeee · 19/03/2008 10:12

YABU. Your DH is not comfortable with you doing this so you should respect his feelings.If you are still upset about what happened in the past with your DH and his colleage,you should talk to you DH about it.

Original poster

MummyPenguin · 19/03/2008 10:13

Oh no no, it's not a revenge thing at all. DH's friendship with the female colleague was years ago. It was quite a bad time for me, I guess I was being very unreasonable about it, but I didn't trust this woman. I found emails and letters from her to DH about how they 'could find excuses to see each other.' I know that sounds really dodgy, and I don't know what she thought she was doing, but there wasn't anything between them. I believe DH when he tells me that. No, I'm separating the two things (DH's friendship and these texts) but I just feel irritated by him being the way he is now, and how he was so offhand about my feelings then.

As for the ex, yes, the texts are quite frequent. During the messages on FriendsReunited, I referred to DH a lot and even put photos of me and DH on my webpage in which we were hugging and so on, so that my ex would be in no doubt that I have a happy marriage now and that there is no chance of him or anyone else scuppering it.

If I'm honest with myself, I know I'm not being fair to DH or to my ex and I will have to end the contact. It will be the best thing all round. Changing my mobile number though will be a lot of hassle so I'll probably just have to be straight with my ex and tell him.

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyPenguin · 19/03/2008 10:13

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyPenguin · 19/03/2008 10:14

sorry posted twice, pc playing silly buggers

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 19/03/2008 10:15

i wouldn't like it if DH was in contact with ex gf.
why are you doing it in secret, because you know it would upset your DH.
in that case if the boot were on the other foot, how would you feel?

SlartyBartFast · 19/03/2008 10:17

plus you ex bf might like it that you are married now?
some sort of conquest?

sarah73076 · 20/03/2008 22:04

Glad you decided to end it with the ex. If not for your DH's feelings, then do it for the fact that if/when you and DH have a rough patch (as nearly everyone does), it puts you in a dangerous place. The flirting and the flattery can make you feel better in the short term, but it gets you a step closer to crossing the line.

That being said, if your DH ever has another friendship that makes you uncomfortable, you can reference this situation and how you were considerate of his feelings.

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