My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

Do you like your parents more or less with each year?

50 replies

AntHedge · 17/01/2024 18:04

So, I've never been my mum's favourite person, Golden balls brother dynamic.
I think it's gone from unquestioning love to surprise and processing, to grey rock and now at 51 a lot of anger.

I'm decluttering letters and photos and am just not finding the good times. My dad died last year and honestly, I'm not bothered except I've felt I've had to support my mum more.
Any tips for refinding the good?

Yabu - I find myself loving them more each year
Yanbu - our relationship got better with every year

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

40 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
63%
You are NOT being unreasonable
38%
DustyLee123 · 17/01/2024 18:08

I’m finding my elderly DF more selfish and self centred as he ages. I hope to god I don’t end up like him. It’s no wonder he has no friends.

Notellinganyone · 17/01/2024 18:09

I went very low contact with my father as an adult. He was incapable of communicating and was toxic. He died of dementia and I’d already done my grieving. My mum lives abroad, she sent me to live with DF when I was 6 and so our relationship is strained. I don’t really have much to say to her any more. I’m visiting my home country this year and I’m not telling her as I don’t want to see her. My step mum is fab though!

Povertytrapped · 17/01/2024 18:13

One in each direction.

GreyhpundGirl · 17/01/2024 18:13

I'm 47. My mum died 10 years ago, and they separated when I was 16 (neither remarried/ had another relationship) I'm one of 3 and my dad treats us equally and I've grown an appreciation for him. I didn't necessarily have when I was younger. He's got a great life, very active, and supports us in so many ways. None of us have lived near each other for over 20 years but we are all very close. I have a small child- the only grandchild- and it's been lovely seeing them together as I know he missed a lot of time with us when we were children as he worked away.

ThreeTescoBags · 17/01/2024 18:14

It fluctuates, I had a huge crisis with them after my own children were born, e.g. if they loved me anything like I loved my baby how could various things possibly have been allowed to happen. In the end I had to let it go for my own sake, they are just people who got things wrong.

Mintearo7 · 17/01/2024 18:14

I have always adored by mum but I find myself respecting my understanding my Dad more as I’ve got older. He’s also softened and become more affectionate after he had grandkids.

LauderSyme · 17/01/2024 18:29

It sounds like your dm has narcissistic traits OP? Mine too, and she is also getting more intolerant and grumpy as she ages.

I understand her as a person much better now, and am able to be more objective about her behaviour as the years go by. Unfortunately this does mean I probably love her less and like her less than I used to.

I am able to see that she is capable of being very cruel, in fact she enjoys it, which is not a likable trait.

I am also able to see that her behaviour is about her, not me, so these days my emotions are far less storm-tossed when I am around her. Our relationship is definitely less confusing and more peaceful than it was.

I often still get flashbacks of instances of her neglect and abuse, and it is easy to go down a very dark rabbit hole. So I sometimes deliberately make myself recognise and appreciate anew those occasions when she was kind and considerate. And I remind myself that parenting involves much unrewarding drudgery, which she will have done but is lost to my memory.

PurpleBugz · 17/01/2024 21:41

My mother loves my brother more. I got over it for a bit thought she was just a human doing her best. Now I'm a mother and I couldn't act how she did it underscores for me she doesn't care about me. My dad also recently died- I was not upset. I'm going through the motions my mother and people in real life won't ever know how I feel but yeah I don't have any respect left for her. Knowing you are the least favourite child and getting scraps of time live and attention did damage that negatively impacted me for years and still does. We don't owe our parents love we didn't choose to be born they did that, they chose that, parents owe kids not the other way around. But society is shocked if you voice this so keep it to yourself

anythinginapinch · 17/01/2024 21:56

I like my mum more because she's finally really trying to understand her and my life, and to change for the better. She's far more open, less arrogant, more vulnerable. Gotta love an 80 year old who asked about therapy!

My dad is the same narcissist he always was. Has learned fuck all about himself.

WatermelonLou · 17/01/2024 22:02

DM is getting worse as years go on. If I am not living my life as she would want me too then I'm forever the one who gets forgot about. Also the disrespect when she attacks my choice when I try to stay authentic to myself? It can be a lot to take on board. My DF and her shouldn't have been together. Both narcissists where motivation changed throughout the years. Just exhausting. YANBU OP

Fluffyowl00 · 17/01/2024 22:03

I just think how much I’ll miss them when they’re gone and how much I’ll regret the feelings I have now. So I try to focus on their lovely qualities (bar the odd
spat!)

So much gets said on mumsnet about
how ‘my life is so difficult, I can say/do what I want’. Surely thats true of our
parents?

A counsellor once told me that you can’t have anyone else’s parents, but the choice is yours whether or not you keep yours in your life. It has always made bear in mind what I do have.

tunainatin · 17/01/2024 22:04

I love them more as time goes on, and I realise that makes me very lucky. They weren't perfect, but as I've gone through the same ages and stages they have I've understood their behaviour more. And they've genuinely shown me unconditional love.

Bbq1 · 17/01/2024 22:10

Adore my mum. We're really close. I love her as much as ever which is very, very much. She's a wonderful woman but I am probably more protective of her now she's alone since my equally lovely dad passed away. Sadly, from this thread it seems I'm in the minority. I realise I'm very fortunate. My heart goes out to people who haven't received love and care from their parents or their relationships have soured.

betterangels · 17/01/2024 22:14

I understand them better as people. It has helped our relationship.

PinkMimosa · 17/01/2024 22:17

I am looking forward to the day my "D"M finally dies. Nothing I've ever done will be good enough. Her recent gem is that she hasn't had a happy moment since turning 80. She's 89. 9 years is a long time to be miserable abd I would feel sorry for her but she's very determined to stay that way and was miserable for most of my 60 odd years.

LessonsLearnedInLife · 17/01/2024 22:19

I hated them more each year and I eventually went NC with them and never attended their funerals, they were awful in life and I wasn’t going to mourn their deaths, I’d already done enough mourning for the way I was raised by alcoholics when they died.

I think because of my upbringing I was very very careful how we parented our children and we’re very close to all of them.

Mumof2NDers · 17/01/2024 22:21

My DM is a legend. We’ve always been very close. I know it’s a cliche but she’s my best mate. We have fun together and she’s my biggest fan.
DF passed away from cancer nearly 3 years ago. We weren’t close when I was a child, he definitely favoured my sister (she says it’s because I was a mouthy madam 😀). We got closer as I got older then became extremely close when his cancer was diagnosed. I took him to nearly all his chemo appointments and was “on call” any time at night if they needed me. It was a tough time but I’m grateful for it as it brought us closer together. I miss him a lot.

AntHedge · 17/01/2024 22:22

Thanks everyone, including the positive tales. I've two teens and I don't want to copy previous parenting!

The kids spotting Granny being snide has pushed me from indifference to anger, I need to put it all back in its box.

OP posts:
171513mum · 17/01/2024 22:26

Your two voting options seem the same.....

I think I appreciate my parents more as I get older and want to make the most of the finite time I have with them. I don't know if this is partly after my mum having had cancer a few years back and also the fear of losing them to Covid. But I think I'm lucky in that I've always had a pretty good relationship with them and I'm always amazed at how many people I know find their parents very hard to spend time with.

I think when I was younger I just took them for granted more to be honest.

Daz57 · 17/01/2024 22:37

It is very sad how the majority of posters here do not like their parents. My parents have both passed away and I was heartbroken … I miss them. What wouldn’t I give to sit and chat with them over a cup of tea. They weren’t perfect but then neither am I. Very few people are.

shellyleppard · 17/01/2024 22:38

My dad is a Jekyll and Hyde personality. On the good side he's a very social person, always has lots of friends and a very active social life. With me he's grumpy, cantankerous and down right horrible. Can't talk to him without him trying to start an argument. No patience with myself or my teenage sons (his only grandchildren). I'm now low contact after the Christmas period. Even my eldest one says hes an arsehole regards his attitude and behavior. This is from a grandchild who absolutely adored his grampy 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 17/01/2024 22:39

Common theme it seems. Slowly since having my own children I’ve seen the true dynamic set by my mum, her favouritism of my brother and constant digs/derogation of my personality/life/husband/parenting.

As time has gone on I’ve seen her for the bitter, narcissistic racist that she is, and now things are remote, weekly at most and I share nothing of meaning with her.

My father was abusive, so was she. He is in early stage Parkinson’s, they live in what is best described as a caravan through stupid financial decisions and she can’t drive. They have an aging dog with cancer who is her whole life.

Im adopted so all this has left me feeling like an orphan.

everygreensock · 17/01/2024 22:41

More. I understand them more. And I'm finally thankful for the off the wall upbringing they gave me. It turns out they were trying their best.

PinkMimosa · 17/01/2024 22:45

Daz57 · 17/01/2024 22:37

It is very sad how the majority of posters here do not like their parents. My parents have both passed away and I was heartbroken … I miss them. What wouldn’t I give to sit and chat with them over a cup of tea. They weren’t perfect but then neither am I. Very few people are.

I'm sorry for your loss but please don't assume that all DPs are missed. My DF passed sober years ago and I would absolutely love to sit and chat with him, he was my best friend. "D"M however is a nasty woman and always has been. At least I’m old enough now to get my own food and not be hungry all the time and I don't have to put up with being hit every time my DF was out of the house.

Sunshinemorning · 17/01/2024 22:54

Love my DM more, but DF less.

actually that’s maybe not fair. I do love them both, but have realised that DF is a bit of an arse ( emotionally constipated, selfish, and toxic). But he tried his best. He was just massively messed up by terrible childhood.

realised how much my mother has done to shield me from toxic father. She’s an unsung hero. Wish I’d realised sooner that I should try to be more like her.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.