To feel pessimistic about life after divorce?

[graygoose]

I’ll try to keep this short but I decided to finally leave DH last week. We have a 10 week old baby.

DH has been going out and getting smashed for the last 18 months. I’m talking out until 5-6am in clubs on Friday and Saturday nights when I was pregnant. He clearly has issues and refused to take it seriously. He did go to therapy but he wasn’t honest enough with himself about how deep seated his issues were and the therapy achieved nothing. We argued about it constantly and I told him in plain language multiple times that i would leave him if this behaviour continued. There is other stuff too that is so horrific I can’t even get into it but suffice it to say there is no way any sane person could stay in the marriage.

He is not an evil or abusive person and we did have some happy times even when it was all going to shit, but he is deeply troubled and unwell and I can’t let myself and DD be dragged by down him any longer.

I am in my mid 30s, am the main breadwinner and DD is 10 weeks old . I have a lot of support from family and friends but am still terrified about the future. I am grieving the life that I thought I would lead before he went down this path (we were together for a decade and his behaviour spiralled in the last 2 years). I am also devastated that DD will never remember a time when her mum and dad were together.

I feel hollow and empty. Completely wrung out, like a failure. Please does anyone have positive stories about life after divorce? Especially with such a young child.

Mine were older than that but it has been brilliant for me. My kids think I'm much happier, have more friends and social life. I do more stuff.

Don't get me wrong, some of it is bloody hard work and I'm knackered all the time but it's still far better and I don't regret it at all

I totally understand how you feel. My husband and I separated 3 years ago this month, and when it first happened, I thought that was it for me. I thought I'd never find anyone else, that my life had been a lie, that I wasted so much time with him etc.

But in time, and with counselling, I realised it didn't need to be the end of my life. It was just a new chapter. It's hard, and it took a while for those feelings of regret and anger to dissipate (we split due to his infidelity). But 3 years on, we are amicable co-parents to our child, I have been on a few dates over the years and it reminded me that other people can like me too, it isn't just him. I've been seeing someone since early December and we're really hitting it off. It's the first time in 3 years I've thought I could well and truly be in a happy relationship with someone else.

Take your time, be kind to yourself. Rely on family, rely on friends, even if you feel like a burden. Take time to grieve, it's totally natural. But also be proud of yourself for recognising this is an unhealthy situation and you deserve better. Don't ever stop being proud of yourself.

op l am so sorry you have been through the wringer.
I have not been in your situation but l can say this, once the grieving for the life you wanted ( but could never have with him it takes two) you can look at your beautiful child and make any future you want.
You are young enough to meet someone else but no hurry..
What few people tell you is that having a child can be the greatest joy you will ever know, and they can be a companion far better than a man. Watching them grow and learn and having fun with them is pure joy.

Yes you are the breadwinner but you can do this ..

It’s only human nature to worry about whether or not you’ve done the right thing.

If you have some time send yourself an email about the relationship especially the bad stuff. As someone who has been divorced, my experience is that you will be on an emotional rollercoaster and feel the full range of emotions. There will be times that you waver and think it wasn’t that bad, particularly when you hear or read on here the dreaded phrase “staying together for the kids” That email is going to act as a wake up call when you wobble.

💐 Lots of luck to you and well done for protecting your child. There are good times ahead.

My ex left when my youngest was one. Very hard but I think it's better that my youngest can't remember things being different. My oldest does remember and I think that confuses him more. If your daughter doesn't remember things being different she will just accept the current situation as that's all she's ever known.