Weaponised incompetence

[Tiredboymum22]

How do I tell the difference between weaponised incompetence or someone genuinely not coping with life’s demands.

I don’t know whether to be more empathetic or tough.

I suppose one clue would be whether they are coping and thriving in other areas of their life, such as work. I assume this weaponised incompetence is happening in the domestic sphere?

I'm a lone parent, but currently struggling with a 14 year old who seems unable to retain information or basic instructions re helping around the house. Imagine my surprise at parents evening the other day to be told by every single subject teacher how intelligent, cooperative and on the ball he is 🤔

Can you give more details?

What is this person doing to work on their competence/skills/organisation?

It depends, presuming it’s your partner were they always managing themselves/household admin until recently? Have there been any big changes such as children or work load? My ex has undiagnosed ASD and did struggle with what seemed like common sense to most people, however it did slip into deliberate incompetence when I got fed up and picked up more and more of the slack. Got to the point that he wouldn’t even do basic self care without being told to. These things can build up over the years until one day you don’t realise how little your partner will think for themselves. A sudden change in behaviour is a different situation.

I think it very much depends. I am neurodivergent and it exhausts me going out and having to do adult life and as a result, things at home sometimes suffer. It doesn't mean it's malicious or I neglect my responsibilities, just that I'm not coping very well with that balance.

Yes. Someone might seem competent at work and with friends. But actually that completely takes it out of them and they can barely cope at home.

Not enough info to really comment. Who is it? How old? What situation are you referring to?

Perfectly normal, actually. The person can be "intelligent" in one area and completely lacking skills in the other. How they perform in academic context is not a yardstick by which to measure their overall competence.
There also may be a difference in how instructions are given. For example, one step instructions are easier to carry out than abstract directions (i.e. take this book to room x vs tidy your room). The abstract direction requires planning, sequencing, problem-solving etc and a person may struggle with all or some of these skills while being perfectly capable to carry out a single-step instruction or have a different set of skills which allows them to perform well in maths and literacy, for example.
That's not even touching on such things as motivation, confidence, initiative...