Is this ppd or is going from 1 to 2 just this tricky?

[howdoyousurvive]

Recently had my 2nd baby, 8 weeks today, and my son is 2 in March (23 months). After the first 2 weeks of the lovely baby bubble, I started feeling like there was a fog in my head some days. My second cries a significant amount more than my first ever did, who was and still is an angel, whereas my second is definitely more challenging.

As the weeks have gone by and partner returned to work, I have wanted nothing more than to get into a routine with both children for them and my own sanity. This has had its challenges. I have become increasingly stressed about DC1 not being stimulated or played with enough. The plan was (when pregnant) that he would still go to my MIL for 2 days a week so he would get 1:1 attention and I could have 1:1 time with newborn. However, this hasn't really happened well as my BIL has just had a baby and the newborn tends to always be there which defeats the entire point of DC1 going. I have explained this to my MIL (really good relationship) and my partner but it still happens and i now just feel stressed about dropping him there and seeing the baby and feeling resentful. I am extremely lucky to have her support and i cant expect her to say no to her other grandchild but this now absence of reliable support has put more pressure on me to find ways of stimulating my first so he flourishes.

This has definitely impactsd my mental state as it feels like the support that I most rely on (none in my family) has slipped away. I have started to look at nurseries for 1 day a week for DC1 to i have some time with newborn but between illnesses and finances, this is taking a long time to get started.

I have also struggled with the adaption to going from 1 to 2 with keeping on top of housework. It's near impossible without me simply not stopping ever for a break and even though my partner somewhat helps, i have to ask which i just find frustrating. I am having to learn to let go and be ok with a messy house but this proves hard.

I have gained 2 stone since just before getting pregnant with my first and this has also plagued me. I am desperate to lose weight but then find myself binge eating or wanting a glass of red wine to counteract my feelings and to have some comfort and freedom (obviously not the best solution but the truth). I have zero sex drive and just dont feel great.

I have my happy moments and i am eternally grateful for my kids. I just didnt expect this much of a shock mentally when going from 1 to 2. I feel like i have lost myself and have nothing to call my own. I want to workout and go gym or start running but i don't want to push my pelvic floor too early and end up doing more harm than good. I find myself daydreaming and staring into the abyss more often just zoning out.

Are these feelings normal? Am I being unreasonable and need to just get on with it?
I have my 8 week checkup and will talk through with the dr but i dont want to go on tablets as I know that isn't dealing with the root cause.

You are being hard on yourself. Your baby is still so little and managing two kids and a house is hard.

Your toddler will be fine. If you could find a little outlet for him to be around other kids, that’d probably be helpful for both of you, but even if you can’t, he’ll be fine. I used to read to my toddler while I was feeding the newborn. Also, is it possible for you to get outside for a while during the day? I don’t know how your weather is, but I always felt better if I could go for a walk or to the park.

As for the gym,exercising, sex etc, give yourself time. You’ll get there.

Hi @howdoyousurvive sorry to hear you're feeling this way, I would say that it is fairly normal how your feeling.
I have a 12 week old, and a 3 YO. The juggle is a struggle, my 3 YO does go to nursery 3 days a week so it's nice to have that break and 1:1 time with baby, also allows me to get some housework done whilst he naps. it did take some adjusting though and it wasn't until the last 2-3 weeks that I felt like I was in any kind of routine.
I have felt quite overwhelmed and sad for the 1:1 time I had with DD pre baby no2, but then I see her entertaining him and it melts my heart ❤️

I'm sure things will get better, do talk through with your GP though. Just know you're not alone in how you're feeling. Motherhood is hard and adding another baby to the family is a big adjustment

I would also say these feelings are normal. The good news is that you have some support around you; you just need to take advantage of them. So what if BIL's baby is at MIL'S house? If MIL is willing, you could drop your older DC at her house for a few hours just so you could go do some shopping/errands/chores.

Sit down with hubby and tell him that you need him to take a few things off your plate. Maybe he is now responsible for vacuuming on the weekends or taking out the trash each evening, etc.

Put a perfectly clean house lower on your list of things to do. Every parent has been there (we have also had the messy house to prove it :-) and will understand.

On a fair weather day, make sure you get outside with the kids. Push them in their stroller; getting outside always uplifts the mood. Get hubby to take care of them so you can go have an hour or two to yourself (go to the gym, go for a swim, go out for lunch with some girl friends).

Give yourself some grace. You've got this!

How is your iron level? I think lower levels due to blood loss can make life feel that extra bit hard. It sounds like you had a Bonny first baby and the second is more clingy? That in itself is a big transition. Just getting everyone fed is great, I think you're being hard on yourself overall. It does get much easier btw!

Huge thanks to everyone that replied.
I spoke to the GP today at my 8 week appointment. She was so lovely and understanding and reassured me that my nearly 2 year old will be absolutely fine development-wise even if i stayed in the house for the next few weeks. She told me that I should definitely be making use of support and that I need to be kinder to myself and not put myself under so much pressure. So that is what I'm going to be doing! Resigning up to my gym next week, hopefully my kiddos and MIL are feeling well so I can have an hour at the gym maybe twice next week - tredmill walk nothing crazy but just time for myself.

I honestly feel like a hugeeee weight has been lifted off me!

Hey op i want to reassure you of something

Your toddler does not need 1 2 1 adult time

Think of all the millions of kids around the world growing up pre modern times. They just slotted in to big families and tribes. There ia nothing natural or normal about an adult giving a child lots of one to one time

Plenty Of toddlers are in nursery or at the child minder...my 2 year old was with her beloved childminder twice a week when i had a newborn and she absolutely did not get 1 2 1 attention ! It was a madhouse but more fun than tired mum

What your mil is doing is giving you a break and then you can be a better mum at other times

One on one is a different beast once you have two and it takes time to adapt. But if you’re lucky and they get on, then your eldest will have a very different kind of one on one relationship in their life as their sibling relationship grows.

Youre in a new phase - be kind to yourself, and also to your eldest, as you both have a very new and exciting dynamic to get used to!

Just wanted to add you can apply for 15 hours free childcare over 38 weeks / around 11 hours over 52 weeks (if you are on maternity leave from work and met the earnings criteria when you were working) as soon as your boy turns 2 years, and I believe those free hours can start in April. That may mean if you can find a provider with space offering those hours (it does tend to be much easier to find spaces for over 2s) - it would cost you nothing or very little to send him to a preschool or nursery a few hours a week to give yourself a bit of a break. Which you definitely need with 2 children this age! X

I have a 3 year gap, and when my youngest was new, I honestly did nothing but breastfeed and quiet games/reading with my 3yo when dd was sleeping. I didn't start doing housework again until pretty late on, and only then when 3yo was at his nursery days. Only now at 5yo and 2yo (as of next week) can i fit in a few jobs around them both as they play together or 'help' me.

Prioritise the kids and just get your other half to maintain the most basic level of home hygiene and food stocks! You won't regret not keeping things pristine, especially at the expense of your mental health and relationships with the kids.

I also suggest finding some local playgroups, and going along with the baby strapped in a sling or carrier. Hopefully the sling is better for settling a fussy baby. Your older boy will not socialise much with other children at this age but he might be happy playing with unfamiliar toys, allowing you to sit and rest a little. You might also meet some other mums / families. As your children get older, arranging playdates with other similar age children really helps to manage sharing your attention - as they are distracted from their intense focus on you by wanting to play with other kids and their toys! It gets much much easier once the oldest is around 3+, maybe even 2+ if you can do this kind of family socialising. Go easy on yourself, I don't know anyone who hasn't found 1>2 very difficult, especially with this kind of age gap. But in another year or two you will be rewarded with those v cute sibling moments xxx

I know, definitely need to ease off and not stress as much about my first. I think becausw we're coming up to the 2year review, which i know is bs because every kid does everything in their own time, I can't help but worry and stress. I know he's doing fine, the odd thing he's not done yet, i.e. walking stairs properly and he is only saying words but has great understanding. I've signed up for the code for his free 15 hours from April but gona get him in a nursery for 1 day a week until then, just to give me a break and time with newborn. Then ask MIL to mind both one other day so i can go gym and do any essential cleaning.

Playgroups is definitely something i'm trying to get onto, just tricky finding a good one that doesn't cost an arm and a leg!

Everything is a phase and i know that i'm in this season of my life for the last time (don't think i plan on any more children) so i just dont want to look back with a load of "i wish i would've.."

There are lots of free or very cheap playgroups out there. Check your local churches. There’s usually a cup of tea thrown in for you too.