Can anyone help me with this school meeting tomorrow - abuse related

[feelthehealer]

I have a meeting tomorrow in school regarding ds and his emotional well being from the separation between me and his dad. This has been organised by social services in terms of Early Help.

I have to decide whether to access some more help but if I do, then school will need to speak to exh and get his take on things.

Exh has seen ds only 3 times since October. I have only allowed contact every other Saturday 9.30-4.30 for the following reasons:

End of October I had to call the police due to him being abusive.

He then didn't see ds for 6 weeks. Contact then resumed as I decided to give him a chance to repair his relationship with ds.

The first meeting was fine.

The second meeting he was too hungover to collect ds. My mum had to drop him off. He then introduced his new girlfriend to him of 4 weeks (I've made other posts about this).

The last visit he introduced the new girlfriend's daughter.

Ds is quite confused understandably. He has has absolutely no one on one contact with his dad. He says he doesn't want his dad to have a new girlfriend.

He has selective mutism and sensory processing disorder as well as anxiety.

Ex has stopped paying me maintenance and hasn't paid me a penny for 6 weeks - cms are dealing with this.

Ex has another son who is 10 who decided he didn't want to see his dad anymore and hasn't seen him since September - as far as I am aware.

On top of this (may not be relevant) ex is a gambling addict, up to his eyeballs in debt. He relapsed a few months ago. The new girlfriend really does like a drink - I've been warned about her drinking. This is backed up by her tik toks and constant Facebook posts where she always has a drink in her hand. Ex is also now the same it appears - especially as in one of the 3 times he was supposed to collect ds, he was too hungover to do so and left his car at the pub.

Add all this together and it's a recipe for disaster.

He has a history of being abusive to women - well anyone really.

He should be having ds this Saturday coming - I'm sure this contact will take place. He will text me at the last minute to say he is having him. I have began to keep every other saturday free for his contact.

We are currently going through a divorce.

During the school meeting tomorrow, they are going to ask me if they can contact exh to get his take on things and ask him how he feels ds is and what would benefit him. However HE is the problem.

After they've spoken to ds, both mine and ex views would go back to social services and they would decide what help we need going forward.

My question is this - shall I just leave it? I feel the school getting in touch with ex is pointless as I'm he doesn't seem interested in ds anyway. It could open a massive can of worms.

Equally should I let them contact him so ex can see how much all this is affecting ds and how his actions are not ok? It shows that I am taking it seriously and ds needs.

Thoughts please? Or if anyone has any experience on this I would be grateful as I'm completely stuck on what to do.

Also I was told by my therapist and GP last week that I have ptsd - so I am also struggling. I don't soeak to exh at all and go as 'no contact' as I can with him.

Sorry I should have said ds is 5 years old - in reception at primary school

So sorry I should also add that we hear absolutely nothing from exh in between visits. He doesn't text to ask how ds is. He doesn't FaceTime. Absolutely nothing.

He sometimes sends a random text to say 'tell ds I love him' but that's all.

He really doesn't seem interested at all.

I would personally leave it. I've seen a friend (a wonderful mum with an abusive ex) been put through so much by social services trying to 'help' and have made things 10x worse, that I would never willingly engage with them if I felt I had any reasonable choice not to.

Sounds like a very difficult time indeed for you, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this.

Please believe me they have heard all this before. They are not there to judge you

I would explain as you have in this post - be open to them contacting exh but they will be forewarned and if he starts saying mum is a nightmare she does XYZ they will have the measure of him.

They need to know the full picture including the fact he has another child, the drinking etc
You can indicate your reluctance re exh but what you want is what is best for DS
Tou could indicate that for medical reasons you will not attend a meeting with exh

They have heard this before and just want the best for your DS

What a dilemma. I would be very tempted to hope he'd slip away quietly from your lives and wouldn't want to disturb that with anyone getting in contact with him. On the other hand, getting all the support you can is a good thing, plus you don't want to be labelled as having turned anything down in case it somehow impacts on future help (no idea if it works like that but thats what wouls be going through my head). On balance, maybe juat go for the support? He's clearly in a downward spiral right now so how much is this going to be able to spur him into any sort of action to get more involved? He sounds incapable of doing very much at all.

Addiction is relevant.

Abuse is relevant.

Inconsistent or unsafe contact is relevant.

His drinking having stopped previously with a history of violence when drinking is relevant.

His girlfriend's TikTok that has the pair of them holding cans is absolutely irrelevant. As are any 'warnings' from 'friends' (otherwise known as gossip) and the fact that he has a new girlfriend - he is allowed to do that, whether you, your DS, your DD or anybody else likes it or not. The absence of maintenance could be relevant if it's in conjunction with financial abuse, but it's not something to be banging on about.

It's about supporting your DS to adapt to the chances in his life and the adverse experiences of a parent with addiction and domestic violence/abuse. Not what your daughter saw on TikTok.

It is fairly standard in these situations to contact the people with parental responsibility. It doesn't mean they automatically believe everything they say,

What sort of help are you looking to get?

Have you self referred or have school referred?

It is very unlikely your H will see the error of his ways.

Will social services be at the meeting? Do social services have the details you've stated here?

You can say no you don't want them to contact exh and explain why. The issue with leaving it is if exh has parental responsibility which I assume he has then there is nothing stopping him from turning up to the school and collecting him. Obviously if he turns up drunk etc then school will deal with that appropriately which will mean social services being involved. By engaging you can have an order put in place which means he can't collect DS and then can put more things into place/action if he does. Its better to protect your son

I understand that but without these things, I would have only heard the gossip. These things back it up that what I've been told is true - and I've only been told these things out of concern from others.

Though as visitation is only 9.30-4.30 I'd really hope they can not do their drunk tik toks until he's back at home.

You have two threads going on this. The other is in relationships. I was going to comment advice but I don’t see the point of two threads?

Edited to add there was nothing mentioned in your other thread about a school meeting. Would it not be better to put all the information in one thread?

You can make it clear in the meeting tomorrow that you do not give permission to discuss the EH with your ex. However, if your Ds discloses something that concerns the social worker regarding your ex, they may have to escalate via safeguarding,

Social services got involved from when I called the police. I then started working with my local domestic abuse charity and they told me we needed extra support from social services and it was put in place.

As it stands now, it is only school that will be at the meeting tomorrow. They would then contact exh and report what we have both said back to social services.

Though I am slightly annoyed as my social worker said exh would not have to be contacted at all.

However the well being worker at school has said to take it further then they have to contact him.

In terms of support - I really don't know! I've just felt absolutely lost in this whole thing.

So my thinking is just to go into school tomorrow, tell them everything so they are aware.

I've already spoken to them once and they've put 'do not contact' next to exh name if there's ever an emergency.

Ds has also lost his brother in all this so im hoping at the very least he can get some extra emotional and well being sessions

There is further down - and I actually say I'm going to do a separate post about it

They were going to do a safe guarding check on him but it never happened.

Where it's hard is ds has selective mutism so he won't talk in school anyway. The only person he talks too is me so I just pass on what he says and feels to the right people. That's all I can do really.

I've not heard of a school having to contact another family member to take things further especially if social services etc are involved. I'd ask them to explain why they say they need to have his side to give more help and explain that your social worker stated that this wouldn't happen and therefore you are confused, scared and nervous about what will happen if the school do contact him. Can you contact your social worker overnight? If so can you ask for them to be at the meeting and explain why?

I would raise these issues but ONLY in the context of the safety and wellbeing of your child. No judging or blaming the xh (not because it isn't deserved but because you want to come across as the reasonable and stable parent). Mention your child's anxiety at his dad's and say it's possibly because he doesn't get time with his dad alone, and because of his inconsistency. You do have concerns about ds safety there because of a history of addiction and you fear it's happening again.

Thank you - that's exactly right. It may not seem like it on this post but I really do have ds best interests at heart. I'm just going through the motions of it myself.

I was with exh for 8 years. I've seen him at his worst with his dc. I was always able to control it and be there for his dc. I'm just scared for ds - he's so little and sensitive

I think it's in your son's interests to engage. However, as ex is abusive, I would make it clear that a joint meeting is not an option.

They would contact him separately- it's not a joint meeting. They would speak to me first and then him. He can either speak to them over the phone or go in. He might not even do that.

The best thing I can do is just go and explain everything and then see what they say.