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AIBU?

Is my ‘friend’ pretty shit or do I need to get over myself?

99 replies

jesapp · 16/01/2024 14:57

Just that really. Both had babies around a year ago. We used to text daily. Both equally making the effort, never felt forced, known her years.

For the first six months after having the babies we still were in contact. Rather suddenly she went off the radar a bit. I didn’t immediately follow this up or smother her but did message every few days saying I hoped she was ok. Around three weeks later I got a massive text back saying she wasn’t coping and she hadn’t wanted to tell me as she thought I was coping fine and happy and it would put a dampener on things for me. I found this quite strange as we’ve always shared each other’s problems and been supportive of each other. I was also a single parent (she is not) and I was surprised she would have assumed I was so happy all the time, obviously I hadn’t had an easy time so really she surely would have known she could have opened up to me. Anyway she was upset and said she wanted to see me etc. I was supportive and told her to call me anytime and that we didn’t need to meet if she wasn’t up to it etc but please tell me if she needed anything. We slowly began chatting again as normal and then it slowly dwindled again. I did check in and she replied two weeks later to say she was fine, chatting away about an upcoming holiday etc. I replied and have heard nothing back for 6 weeks. I haven’t followed up this time as it just feels like I would be being too much given she’s clearly not responsive.

I have other friends and I am able to get over this but I can’t pretend it’s not hurt me. I genuinely thought she was a close friend all these years. I know I will only get an answer if I ask her but has anyone experienced anything similar?

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Am I being unreasonable?

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jesapp · 16/01/2024 18:42

SayBaby · 16/01/2024 17:59

You seem to think that because she's not a single parent she can't possibly be struggling with her mental health?

@SayBaby i don’t think I said that? Didn’t mean that if I did!

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Newchapterbeckons · 16/01/2024 18:48

jesapp · 16/01/2024 18:42

@SayBaby i don’t think I said that? Didn’t mean that if I did!

Being a single parent isn’t the same as PND. Look at the poll. Just be there for your friend, don’t make this about you, she has bravely opened up to you which is very hard to do.

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StaunchMomma · 16/01/2024 18:50

Sounds to me like this isn't about you at all.

It sounds like she has PND and is feeling embarrassed about it.

I think you need to have a lot more empathy for friends than you've shown here, in honesty. It's ridiculous to claim she is coping because a text was 'upbeat'! She doesn't have to share everything with you.

Just give her some space.

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LateAF · 16/01/2024 18:52

Sounds like you’re a high maintenance friend, and if your friend is depressed and/or struggling, she’ll be finding it hard to keep up with a high maintenance friend like you as she will feel judged, and responding to your constant messaging will feel like another chore on her already overwhelming list.

Give her a break- a monthly check in is more than enough. And if you want to see her, invite her along to free, no pressure, no effort things that don’t rely on her attendance. I.e.” I’m going to the park/ checking out new museum on XX date- would be lovely to see you there if you’re around”.

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PuppyMonkey · 16/01/2024 18:54

Hope your friend is okay.

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GlitteryDirt · 16/01/2024 18:56

It's not about you it's about her mental health. Don't take it so personally.

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321user123 · 16/01/2024 19:13

jesapp · 16/01/2024 17:15

@AnneValentine im a single parent, i am
finding it harder to nail it than most I expect!

And that right there is probably why you’re not hearing from her.
I'm sure she knows you enough that she won’t feel comfortable talking of her struggles because yours will always be bigger.

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Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 16/01/2024 19:18

When you are feeling very down, or having a hard time coping, sometimes you don't want to talk, or reach out, you just want to hide away. I didn't contact a very good friend of mine who I speak with once or twice a week for three months when I had a very hard time mentally.

One upbeat text is meaningless and doesn't tell you about her state of mind.

It is not personal to you- she's told you she's struggling, she's not coping and she's hiding away. You have said she can contact you, she will, when she is better and when she re-emerges.

It's hard on everyone when this happens, but if she can't be your good reliable friend right now, that's how it is.

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LaughingCat · 16/01/2024 19:19

She sounds like she’s adjusting and maybe constant contact isn't working for her right now as she struggles (even if you sound upbeat, doesn’t mean you aren’t struggling). Just give her some space and see whether she comes back. Otherwise you’ll just drive her away.

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MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 16/01/2024 19:25

She sounds massively depressed.

Stop making this about you. This is about her.

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BlueGrey1 · 16/01/2024 19:26

Some depressed people are very good at putting on an upbeat front at times

I suspect that she is depressed or possibly overwhelmed, I wouldn’t take it personally

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blackpanth · 16/01/2024 19:26

Definitely keep messaging her now and again so she knows you're there

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Apolloneuro · 16/01/2024 19:47

You maybe don’t realise it, but you’re making this whole thing about you, you, you.

Send her a text saying you love her, are wanting to help in anyway you can and have a conversation about something other than how you’re a single parent, so must be having it the hardest 🙄

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jesapp · 16/01/2024 19:52

Apolloneuro · 16/01/2024 19:47

You maybe don’t realise it, but you’re making this whole thing about you, you, you.

Send her a text saying you love her, are wanting to help in anyway you can and have a conversation about something other than how you’re a single parent, so must be having it the hardest 🙄

@Apolloneuro i didn’t say I must be having it the hardest as a single parent. I said that as a single parent I am hardly going to be someone she needs to hide that she is struggling from, as I very much don’t have it all together. That wasn’t an expectation she should tell me, but context to our previous conversation.

I am making it about me on this thread because I am wondering why she has gone off the radar. I have taken on board what’s been said and I will send her a message tomorrow. For what it’s worth, PND or not, I wouldn’t not respond to a friend of many years to let them know I was or wasnt ok when they had asked, and yes, I’ve suffered with depression before but thankfully not PND.

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Didimum · 16/01/2024 19:57

For what it’s worth, PND or not, I wouldn’t not respond to a friend of many years to let them know I was or wasnt ok when they had asked

Wow. Ok, OP, you’ve some pretty tone deaf things on this thread, but this takes the cake. Honestly, you come across as really overbearing and quite insensitive. She doesn’t need you being offended by her struggles. If she’s struggling, she’s struggling, end of – she doesn’t need to share it with you just because you think she should. This is what people mean by you making it about you. Stop putting yourself at the centre of her feelings.

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Newchapterbeckons · 16/01/2024 20:01

jesapp · 16/01/2024 19:52

@Apolloneuro i didn’t say I must be having it the hardest as a single parent. I said that as a single parent I am hardly going to be someone she needs to hide that she is struggling from, as I very much don’t have it all together. That wasn’t an expectation she should tell me, but context to our previous conversation.

I am making it about me on this thread because I am wondering why she has gone off the radar. I have taken on board what’s been said and I will send her a message tomorrow. For what it’s worth, PND or not, I wouldn’t not respond to a friend of many years to let them know I was or wasnt ok when they had asked, and yes, I’ve suffered with depression before but thankfully not PND.

I hope she has seen what kind of friebd/person you are and is in the process of ghosting you. Your last post was appalling.

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headcheffer · 16/01/2024 20:01

Do you want this friendship to continue? If so, take a deep breath and message her to say how's she doing, how's the baby, yours is driving you mad with sleep/teething/weaning and is she finding it the same, you'd love to see some photos etc.

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jesapp · 16/01/2024 20:01

Didimum · 16/01/2024 19:57

For what it’s worth, PND or not, I wouldn’t not respond to a friend of many years to let them know I was or wasnt ok when they had asked

Wow. Ok, OP, you’ve some pretty tone deaf things on this thread, but this takes the cake. Honestly, you come across as really overbearing and quite insensitive. She doesn’t need you being offended by her struggles. If she’s struggling, she’s struggling, end of – she doesn’t need to share it with you just because you think she should. This is what people mean by you making it about you. Stop putting yourself at the centre of her feelings.

@Didimum

quoting part of what I said is deliberately taking it out of context and altering the tone and meaning. Perhaps re post with the accurate quote?

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Apolloneuro · 16/01/2024 20:05

I don’t the pp has skewed the quote at all. You’re clearly saying that your friend isn’t behaving the way you think you would, and questioning (literally in your title) whether this makes them ‘shit’.

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Didimum · 16/01/2024 20:08

jesapp · 16/01/2024 20:01

@Didimum

quoting part of what I said is deliberately taking it out of context and altering the tone and meaning. Perhaps re post with the accurate quote?

Because I did not include that you’ve had depression in the past? How is that relevant? And why does that mean you get to dictate or judge how your friend might handle depression or PND?

Every poster is telling you the same thing – that should signal something to you. If you don’t want to hear it, then just go do whatever you want.

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jesapp · 16/01/2024 20:10

Didimum · 16/01/2024 20:08

Because I did not include that you’ve had depression in the past? How is that relevant? And why does that mean you get to dictate or judge how your friend might handle depression or PND?

Every poster is telling you the same thing – that should signal something to you. If you don’t want to hear it, then just go do whatever you want.

Edited

@Didimum again, if you quoted the entirety of what I had said then you’d acknowledge that I had said I had taken the comments on board. I am allowed an opinion on how to treat friends when you have depression. I have had very dark days and speak from experience. No, it doesn’t mean she should do the same or even that she can. I am just expressing my view of it in the same way that you are.

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MrsClatterbuck · 16/01/2024 20:11

Notice I saw on a billboard today
Depression is very tiring but not as tiring as pretending you don't have it
or words to that effect.
I would text her if only to let her know that you are there for her when she is ready to talk.

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HollyKnight · 16/01/2024 20:20

You're coming across as very judgemental and superior here, so if your friend thinks that of you too, then it is understandable that she might not feel comfortable talking to you. I wouldn't want to confide in someone who judges whether they think my feelings are justified or not. An example, if she says she's having a hard time, and you respond with "I understand. I find it hard being a single parent sometimes." you're minimising her feelings by pointing out how your situation is harder because you don't have a partner.

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EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 16/01/2024 20:21

jesapp · 16/01/2024 15:04

@WinchSparkle80 i was honestly so supportive before though, told her to call me day or night, said I would come over to help, etc. She obviously doesn’t want to tell me it that’s what it is, does she?

I don't know about your friend but I'm not able to reach out even in reply when Im struggling. . My stbxh is abusive and it pretty much started after our first was born, bur I didn't realise for years. I blamed myself for his behaviour, he blamed me too, made me feel worthless so even if someone said to call them I couldn't because every time I try Id have this voice in my head telling me that Im worthless and my friends are better off without me in their life. How she's behaving may be completely about what's going on in her head and nothing to do with you. Acquaintances are easier to be around as i can say everything's fine and know they won't know any differently.

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jesapp · 16/01/2024 20:22

@HollyKnight i have quite literally never mentioned me being a single parent to her like that and don’t feel like things are harder for me because of it, either

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