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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I am being unreasonable but

21 replies

cookiemonsters · 16/01/2024 11:25

I know I am being unreasonable on this but I really need to vent. I came to terms with being childless years ago, and was thrilled when my DB and DSIL announced that they were expecting. They had a lovely little boy back in September. Before people jump on, I am well aware that I am only an aunt and have no real claim to DN. But I was so excited to be an aunt and have a baby in the family.

I know from mumsnet all about giving space and not intruding and how difficult it can be in the first few months, but I am feeling desperately sad that I have only seen DN twice since he was born. I have waited for invitations, on both occaisions took meals and some useful bits for mum and dad, made sure not to outstay my welcome and done what I think is my best to be the best visitor I can.

I sent lovely christmas presents and didnt hear a word back. I do have a great relationship with DB and DSIL and regualarly hear from them about other things so I know it just slipped their minds. But I really want a great relationship with DN too. I know its early days but is me not asking for invites making me seem not keen? I really dont want to be pushy, but I am so desperately sad, I feel that this baby meant the world to me and now I feel the illusion has been shattered.

OP posts:

Amba1998 · 16/01/2024 11:27

Yes, sorry but this is abit bizarre. As a parent I don’t sit there and go through an invite list of family and friends. I appreciate people who want to come and see my child

just text them and say not seen you for a while would love to come round and see you all etc

Nevertouchakoala · 16/01/2024 11:28

Don’t wait for an invite, ask them to do things, meet up, come to you, go to them! They can say no if they want. Maybe they’re wondering why you haven’t asked to see him more?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 16/01/2024 11:30

Can't you just ask to meet up?

Haydenn · 16/01/2024 11:30

This sounds so hard. 💐I agree I constantly see new parents moaning about pushy in-laws so completely get that you want to give them space, but given the amount of time that’s passed with so few invites I’d say you have nothing to lose and can easily get away with being pushy

cantelope · 16/01/2024 11:30

You sound like a lovely aunt.

Having your first baby can be overwhelming in a unique way. At 3-4 months in with my first, it was still a struggle to get through the day. I was sleep deprived, in pain, incredibly full days of breastfeeding etc. I suspect that your B / SIL are completely wrapped up in the demands of parenting and it hasn't even occurred to them to invite you.

In your shoes, I'd get in contact and ask if they'd be up for a visit. Offer dates that suit you and ask if any of them could work. In the kindest possible way, even the most considerate brand new parents are probably not thinking of the people they should be inviting to come to see them.

LightSwerve · 16/01/2024 11:31

Have you invited them to anything since the baby was born? To your house, our for a walk, to the local visitor place?

I think they have invited you twice in the 4 months since their lives were completely disrupted.

You should offer to meet in a way that is easy for them or offer to help in some way e.g. 'shall I bring lunch round on Sunday' sort of offer.

cheddercherry · 16/01/2024 11:33

I would just start asking if they’d like to meet up doing something maybe go for a walk with baby in pram or attend a group? My SIL met up with me on Fridays for a library baby song group and we went for coffee after it was lovely!

If they’re shutting down invites they may just be overwhelmed or going through it with sleep regressions or any number of reasons but I’d just chat with them and see how they are and mention you’d love to meet up? Only you know your relationship and how open you are with them, I would have been a bit stir crazy in the house with baby all day so loved when people asked me to meet up/ go out with baby but others may just prefer people popping over. Just ask, what’s the worse that can happen?

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/01/2024 11:34

You are being very hard on yourself.

Just ask if it's possible to meet up. Before you go ask if there's anything they need picking up. Let them know when they're ready you'd happily take the baby for a walk to give them time to themselves if they want. They may be wary of how to keep in touch knowing you are childless.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 16/01/2024 11:35

If I were in their position I would be waiting for you to ask.

I wouldn't be constantly inviting someone who had to come to terms with not having children round to see my baby, and I would be following their lead on what they felt comfortable with.

SummerHouse · 16/01/2024 11:35

I would message them now and say "what can I do to help?" It's possible they are sensitive to you not having children. It's possible they are wrapped up in their world. Either way, you can be an incredibly important part of your niece's life. Extended family tend to be as involved as they want to be.

SKG231 · 16/01/2024 11:36

They are new parents and their whole lives have been turned upside down. To put it lightly, you are the last thing on their minds!

If they had to organise every person in their lives to see their child they would be organising 24.7.

speak to them (or your brother separately if you feel more comfortable) and just be straight forward and honest saying you’d like to be move involved but don’t want to over step boundaries so he should let you know honestly if you’re asking to come round too much etc.

They are going to be so happy to have you around in the coming years knowing they have someone they love and trust who they can ship their darling child off to for a bit of alone time.

ManateeFair · 16/01/2024 11:37

Why can't you invite them to come over to you for lunch or something? You've been over to them twice. The socialising doesn't all have to be at their house just because they're the ones with the baby, so invite them over and say you'd love to see them and DN. As you say, you have a good relationship with them in general, and I think at this point it's not pushy to ask if they'd like to come over.

KissMyArt · 16/01/2024 11:41

I know its early days but is me not asking for invites making me seem not keen?

Yes that's quite possibly it.

Also, you may be suffering from what I call 'Mumsnet syndrome', where all the posts about new parents not wanting anyone else around them amongst other things become 'normal' to you.

Yet in my everyday life I very rarely experience the things a lot of Mumsnetters see as 'normal' thank the Lord

So maybe try coming across as bit more keen and see how it goes?

Original poster

cookiemonsters · 16/01/2024 11:43

Thanks all. I will ask them. It is just so hard- as some have said they could be overwhelmed which I why I havent wanted to be pushy, but I will reach out as ask them to do something. They absolutely know that when I see them I will, at least try, to be a 'useful' visitor. I did make them aware when I would be around to see them, but they obviously need something more obvious.

OP posts:

KissMyArt · 16/01/2024 11:43

Also to add....if you've come to terms with being childless, perhaps they don't really know this and might think you're struggling a bit?

It's possible they could be being 'sensitive' in waiting for you to make the moves?

JadziaD · 16/01/2024 11:49

I think you are getting confused between giving them space in the first few weeks (which is a MN thing - in real life, most people I know are quite happy to see family and friends) and what is appropriate longer term.

First few weeks - sure, stay away or be very careful. But after the first few weeks, sending message saying you'd love to visit or suggesting a day out or inviting them to yours (within the confines of what's convenient/appropriate for them with their baby's schedule) are all appropriate and appreciated. What's NOT okay is when you insist on turning up 6 days in a row, do all the baby cuddles and give unsolicited advice.

In your case, it might also be that they're worried you're distancing yourself because your'e upset that you don't have a child.

I'd send them a message saying hopefully now that they're in to the swing of things you'd love to spend more time with them and the baby and could you come round or would they like to come to yours etc. Then just play it by ear from there. Look out for opportunities to join them on an outing, to meet up with your SIL for coffee with the baby or even, possibly, short babysitting - eg being there while they pop out for a coffee (this is very dependent on the parents - varies massively from couple to couple as to whether they'd do this).

If there are things you used to do as a family that could incorporate a baby, definitely get back to that - Sunday lunches, walks etc.

Original poster

cookiemonsters · 16/01/2024 12:05

KissMyArt · 16/01/2024 11:43

Also to add....if you've come to terms with being childless, perhaps they don't really know this and might think you're struggling a bit?

It's possible they could be being 'sensitive' in waiting for you to make the moves?

I don't think they are aware of my own struggles, they didn't show any sensitivity during the pregnancy itself. It might be more that because they don't know of them that they are viewing me in the same way as the other aunts and uncles (on DSILs side) who have their own kids, and they haven't seen much of either.

OP posts:

paintingvenice · 16/01/2024 12:31

It sounds like you’ve been through a tough time OP and have focused this in a really nice and positive way of being excited to be a great aunt rather than focusing on what you don’t have.

I think where you have tried hard to be the ideal family member and give them space they haven’t realised how enthusiastic you are.

I think it’s easy for people here to say just ask or invite yourself round. They’ve been in the situation of having a newborn, and kind of know the license it gives you to turn down invitations and know that baby schedules give you the perfect opportunity to take the invitations that you want. You are trying to be kind by giving them space - which is usually rated so highly on mumsnet, and I don’t think that has been appreciated fully.

Ask to see them, if they say no you are no worse off

Nonomono · 16/01/2024 13:07

I always felt that childless people wouldn’t want to be around my child that much and they perhaps don’t want you to feel like you’re being put on the spot.

I would absolutely say you’d love to see DN more and you’re always happy to babysit or just take her for a walk in the pram or sit with her at home whilst they get on with something else.

I also found that time goes so fast when you have kids and they probably keep meaning to do stuff and time just flies.

Walker1178 · 16/01/2024 13:08

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 16/01/2024 11:35

If I were in their position I would be waiting for you to ask.

I wouldn't be constantly inviting someone who had to come to terms with not having children round to see my baby, and I would be following their lead on what they felt comfortable with.

This 👆

NeptunaOfTheMermaidBattleSquadron · 16/01/2024 13:09

In all honesty they're probably not thinking about you at all. Having a baby is all-consuming and their brains are probably full of all the new baby stuff they need to process. It's no one's fault.

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