LO falling apart now at school and at home. Behaviour? ASD?

[Cakeandcookies]

Thanks all for reading and posting for traffic and support really. My LO has just turned 4. Baby brother was born a year ago. I was in hospital for 8 weeks, septic and nearly didn't make it. I feel so guilty about this and its definitely increased the worry. He had a close network around him but as times gone on his behaviour has changed. We discussed with pre-school if he needed support. They said just watch. Didn't really do the terrible 2s. Glue ear diagnosed, speaks loudly but supposedly this has cleared and waiting for a re-referal.

Fast forward to the last 3 months and everyday it's getting worse. Has always had singular interests (vehicles) and wont deviate. We praise all the good bits but he pretends not to hear when asked to do something, shouts, picked up a few words from other children at pre-school (idiot etc) ignore him. Cries so easily (really sobbing), is silly in front of other children, put an apple down the toilet yesterday at school. :(

Is extremely bright, memory is amazing but can hold onto things. We don't know where to go with this. He was awful yesterday as his usual support staff weren't in. School still haven't given us the care plan as promised despite chasing. Worse still I'm a teacher so everyone expects me to know what to do. School are questioning Asd, trauma, attachment disorder 😕 services are involved but 84 week wait. Its spiraling and quickly. He is due to start private speech therapy but everyday is a nightmare . Hyper to sad in the flick of a switch. Any tips? Help? Solidarity? A sad overtired mum.

Anyone? :(

Speak to your health visitor about getting a referral for an ASD assessment. If he needs extra support at school you can apply for an EHCP yourself. You don’t need school to do it or a diagnosis of anything. Have a look at IPSEA.

i know the waits are long. My son was assessed 22 years ago and diagnosed with Autism at 3 years old. Even back then the waiting lists were long. My son started assessment at 18 months.

Keep pushing for support and referral, if you have a referral from HV team ask for a copy of the letter and apply for DLA if you believe he may have autism/ADHD. List everything in the questionnaire that is occurring as DLA may help you towards finding a private assessment.

Keep your home life as consistent as possible - it doesn't have to mean no changes in routine, but a clear guide and structure

So a Monday to Friday sheet up with pictures of what he can expect on each day for example. Different children respond to different tools and that may not work, but it does seem to work for quite a few, then if he's not wanting to go to school you can show him it on the chart, and show how many days there are left of school so he knows when to expect the weekend etc

Reward good behaviour, minimise attention for bad behaviour. The consequence I give for bad behaviour is that I say 'that is not allowed' and I walk away until he is calm and do not play until then. If you find a method that works, or if the school do, share it and be consistent. All children differ, so mine calms if I don't converse too much when he turns into a terror and I don't negotiate/talk until he's calm - another may be different

Keep speaking to other parents when you are struggling so you know you are not alone. It can be so hard and it helps to talk and share

That was meant to say help towards funding a private assessment, not finding

Hi, I don't have any experience with ASD but I just wanted to say age 4 was absolutely the worst age behaviour wise for my DD. She was just full of rage and wouldn't listen to anything, often pretending not to hear or just outright ignoring requests / running away etc. She also lost interest in all toys and the only thing she would do was colouring in. Everything was a massive battle.

She differed from what you describe in that she was very well behaved at nursery though, to the point people thought we were making it all up.

Her behaviour has improved massively since she turned 5 though, although it goes downhill again if she is unwell. I know that might not be much comfort now but you might find things improve as he gets a little older.

So many parents beat themselves up thinking they are not parenting properly or it's something they have done, when the issue is genetic.

You didn't cause this. Both you and your son find yourselves here. Nobody is the cause and nobody is to blame.

Your son's behaviour is likely to be changing because he's getting older and the increased pressures of life (school etc, being in differing situations with lots of other kids, noise etc) are revealing symptoms that were already going to emerge.

It's not helpful for you to be blaming yourself, or your absence in hospital or the new baby. When you notice your mind start to ruminate over that, park those thoughts and focus on practical things to do in the present moment.

Also, carve out time for yourself away from both your kids so that you retain a sense of yourself.

He sounds very much like my 5 year old who got accepted onto the ASD waiting list last year. It's a 2 year wait but I'd rather he be on it and get the help in 2 years if he needs it instead of waiting to see if there's an improvement in his behaviour and still being at square one if there isn't one.

I found the health visitor to be absolutely shocking tbh. She visited before DS started reception and slated my parenting. Apparently I gave DS too much choice and that was the end of the story. Based on a 30 minute observation where he was calm and happy 🙄

It's tough but you'll get there! Just got to keep on trucking. Even if you think he's not autistic, I'd recommend doing some reading on strategies as they can be used for NT kids too. Just cover all bases

I imagine the baby has made him feel displaced (I hate it when people describe this as 'jealousy'). He doesn't have the emotional intelligence to understand why he now has to share Mummy or to deal with the feelings he has.
This isn't anything you have caused at all, it's simply the stage of psychological development he is at. Might allocating time for just you and him, with your undivided attention be possible?

You mention he 'pretends' not to hear things then go on to talk about his loud voice and his glue ear. Perhaps there are still problems in that department?

Did he start Reception this year?

My son's behaviour changed drastically in January of Reception for a few reasons. He used to have huge melt downs, in and out of school. He would be a ball of stress and then lovely in the holidays, much better at weekends. It took a while to figure out all the things which were going on. Some came to light later in the year, others several years later. The issues were:

• school became much more structured. He struggled to sit (later diagnosed adhd). He struggled to understand phonics but was very aware of being in a 'lower group'. He struggled to write (dyspraxic). None of these would have been terrible alone but he seemed very very aware of it and frustrated by it, and stated to feel at that young she that he wasn't clever or special or whatever. This was a normal school! Unfortunately his friends without exception were all extremely intelligent.

• he was bullied by this group of highly intelligent boys who had been his friends in nursery. They were (and are!) highly academic but understood DS was an easy target and they went for it - mocking his writing, ripping up his party invitations, telling him to fuck off (DS said this once and we would never have said this at home), one was a bit of a ringleader and really quite a troubled child.

• his teacher didn't like him but did like this other group. I remember feeling so sad seeing the teacher and TA joking with these kids and DS was totally excluded. It was only with hindsight I put this together, but DS is super sensitive to being liked or not and I think he picked that up.

• his anxiety was sky high and he stopped eating. He was so thin. I found out after he'd lost a lot of weight that he ate nothing at school lunch (this took a term for them to tell me) so I gave him packed lunches after that, which helped a little, but he was very controlling with what he'd eat.

Year 1 was better, less toxic teacher and very experienced. Year 2 I moved his class and it was all a lot better b hit that first year had me in tears nearly every day and the holidays were just such a relief. Even though it was 'only' a year it took its toll. He had another bad year in Year 3 and in Year 5. He's 18 now but he still has very low self esteem and F very anxious. I'm not sure if there is ASD with the ADHD but it's definitely worth looking into things which can help him understand himself better and help teachers understand.

I'm really sorry to hear you are tired and struggling. I am very sorry to hear you have an 84 week wait to see whether its attachment, trauma or asd that is causing the issues as they might have different strategies to help!

I dont know much about attachment but i think there is a lot of testing boundaries and being warm but keeping to the boundaries in response.

I know more about asd and trauma and suggest that you look at commonalities in suggested things.

One think someone said to me once that if your child hurt there knee and was crying and doung odd things as acresult , youd instinctively pick them up, hug them and to co-regulate. You may instinctively have some good ideas but be dismissing them due to social expectations.

The behaviour with glue ear is very similar to the behaviour with ASD. So I would start off by considering if the glue ear has returned (when were you told it had gone? For ds he was clear for about 2 months in the summer and the other 10 months was seriously poor hearing)

But DS also has ASD and ADHD and when I approached people they said they couldn't tell until his glue ear had cleared up. It cleared up just about aged 12yo, and he was diagnosed the year after.
So it's possible that he has both, it's also possible that he just can't hear and is frustrated and not understanding. I'd start by asking GP to check his ears and rerefer him to ENT saying his hearing is effecting his schooling.