Birthday traditions with new baby

[josephinebonaparted]

I’m willing to be told I was being a bit U here but I felt unhappy about the situation and wanted to see if MNers had some constructive advice.

Partner and I have new baby, not yet 1y old. We both have children from past relationships. We live together 100% of the time when he doesn’t have his kids, but spend 40% of the term time apart as his kids live too far away. I have my kids almost all the time. Together nearly 7 years.

So it’s his birthday (term time weekday when we are together). 5 days before, he tells me, oh by the way I’ve arranged to spend birthday evening having dinner with the other kids so I won’t see you and baby that day and will stay the night away.

I was quite put off - and said why am I only hearing about it now? What about plans I had made (nothing major, but was planning to cook nice dinner and make cake at home). He said well I’ve had the kids for dinner at birthdays every year). This is not quite true, as in the time I’ve known him, he had a couple of years when his ex refused contact (or kept it ridiculously short, like 5 minutes), then it was covid (ex refused all contact until change in court order), and then last couple of years his birthday fell on his contact days so made no difference to when we saw each other.

My thoughts were that - either he went ahead without thinking about me and his new baby - in which case he’s just assumed I’m happy to pick up the parenting on a joint night without at least a discussion, or has thought about it, and decided he’d rather not include me and new baby in birthday celebrations despite a major change in circumstances.

if it makes any difference:
im on maternity leave
i have no problems with him going for dinner with his kids on birthday but it’s the fact that it was just announced rather than discussed
it doesn’t really make sense for me and baby to go to dinner with them given distance and timing

Thanks!

Bump?

He should have discussed it with you but I don't think that he's unreasonable wanting to spend his birthday with his children. By choosing to spend his special day with them he is signalling that they are important to him, and that they're not being sidelined by the new baby.
Announcing it 5 days before was thoughtless. I would be upset by that too.

So he lives hours away for about a third of the time anyway? How does this work? Do his children spend holidays with you all as a family?

It’s a pretty bizarre set-up. What’s he going to do for your / the baby’s birthdays in future, or emergencies? Can you all go with him to have a birthday dinner somewhere near his kids?

I can see why you’re unimpressed (I would be too) but I think the bigger question is how you’re going to integrate as a family. At the moment it sounds like he’s living a double life which can’t be great for anyone.

We spend holidays together and his children are in their mid/late teens so likely to leave home soon.

It should have been a discussion, but given the set up I don't think he's wrong. Baby doesn't know any different, teens do.

So you’ve signed up for him being a part-time parent to your baby for at least a few years? In that case I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong and you shouldn’t have assumed he’d want to spend his birthday with you or the baby. Not a great situation to be in though, I’d feel like a single parent.

So he wasn't able to have his birthday with his kids for years for circumstances beyond his control, and you're now using that to argue that he can't claim he has a tradition of spending time with them on the day?

His other children are of an age when they know and care what day it is. Your joint child has no idea. Let this go.

That’s all fair - to be reiterate though, it’s not him going I have a problem with, it’s the way it was presented as a done deal (and I’d be the de facto parent on a joint parenting night).

To be fair it probably is the fact that some times I do feel like a single parent. It was a difficult decision to have another child together, we recognised the challenges given the existing children and the distance, but compromised on having him as a part time parent for the first year or two before the older ones go off to uni and with my age.

It’s 95% of the time absolutely fine and we adore the new baby, but every now and then there’s a curve ball that doesn’t seem to have a playbook…