Relationship

[millielo]

Probably chose the wrong topic but recently my boyfriend was talking and suggested going half on bills. And opening a joint bank account. Now I've been in my apt for 7 years I run my home in a way that makes me comfortable. We've been together 2 years and he's moved in a couple times then bk with family.

In the months he lived with me he did a lot of things I'm not comfortable with. Now back to going half on bills. He said it then immediately went into saying this was a gonna change and this if I start paying half. I've never asked him to contribute bc I always felt like if he started paying bills here he was be completely dismissive about everything I say

I'm like having him here to visit. But to be honest I like making my own rules in my home. And every time I try to express that to him he gets upset. I feel like he treats me like how his parents treat him. I'm grown I know how to run my apt.

And I understand couples do it all the time. He's so opinionated all the time. But f I move my bed I have to explain why I chose to move it there. Why I buy the curtains I have. Why I buy the furniture I have. It's just too much. I let him run his space how he wants but when it comes to my space I'm questioned like I'm a child or I don't know anything about living bing on my own.

I think some of us (me included) are just not built to live full time with others.

My partner and I have a close, loving, supportive, harmonious relationship. We laugh like schoolkids, despite being in our sixties, and can equally sit in companionable silence for hours on end. We spend three/fours days/nights together per week.

However, we both know that living together full time would be the death knell to our relationship. Not because he's controlling. Not because I'm controlling. Simply we are not built to live with others. We are also fully cognisant that our way of living is much more expensive than if we just lived together.

I also think, if more people were honest, the financial motivation is the only real attraction for them to live with someone else. Well, that and shared chores where kids are in the equation.

Perhaps you are the same? Just not built to live full time with someone, no matter who that someone is?

Yea It crossed my mind when he moved in. I like being to do what I want in my space. And I feel selfish for feeling that way. I love being with him but some days I just wanna sleep in or take a later shower or sit in silence. Because I'm exhausted from working cooking and cleaning. But when he's here everything changes and I feel guilt for sleeping past 9 am

He sounds controlling and hard work. You don't need to be interrogated about moving your own furniture or buying curtains with your own money. Perhaps he is taking his parents attitude to him out in you but he needs confront his parents not make you suffer.

Be wary off his offer to pay half of the bills - it seems he sees it as a way to exert more control and not a fair contribution to the bills as he is staying there. If you really want o stay with him - please practice being more assertive. Stand up for yourself, he doesn't get to call the shots in your home.

So basically he wants to move in with you and you don't want that. So say No. You don't have to do what he says or answer questions just because he says so. You don't have to give him the whys and wherefores, you are just happy with the way things are. Please don't get bulldozed into doing something you aren't happy with.

A friend's dad bought the house next door to his wife (her stepmum) when they got married and it works well with them living in their own houses. That sounds like bliss to me, unfortunately it's not possible for me atm!

Sounds to me like you shouldn’t move in together. But if you do, absolutely he should pay his share. Sounds like he’s giving his opinion regardless

Why are you with him? He sounds awful

Just say NO!
It is not difficult. You have you life, your flat, in the order you want it.
Why is this simple word so difficult to say? We are in the 21st century ffs

He doesn’t sound great from what you’ve written. As soon as you allow him to get any closer, he starts trying to control the situation.

Do you eventually want a long term relationship where you live together, or do you want a permanent arms length relationship where you have your own space?

He might be compatible with you for the latter, but it doesn’t sound like you will ever live together comfortably, so if you want that long term, you might be better ending the relationship.

You have your own place. Tell him you love him visiting (if you do) but that you don't want to live with him .. maybe until fter he's had his own home. Dont know how old you are but has he lived independently and had his own home ever ? You need to protect your own space and home. He has moved in and back to his parents x2 in the last two years. Was this because you are not suited to living together? Honestly, don't move someone into to your house qhen you KNOW it makes you uncomfortable. And be careful he doesn't start to have a claim to your house!

FWIW, I don't consider your feelings to be selfish. I feel they are honest and are from a position of knowing yourself well. You are self-aware enough to understand your limits (either with him or anyone) and you should listen to yourself.

I agree with others, if it doesn't feel absolutely right for you, then don't do it. Suggest he gets his own place and you can both flit between one and the other as suits, and see where it goes from there.

If his sole/main motivation is financial i.e. it will be cheaper, I'd probably rethink the relationship.

Good luck in reaching a solution that suits you.

Why is he living with you? Send him back!

It sounds like an insecure relationship anyway...the fact that he's moved in and out already and you've only been together for two years. That's not great.

Why did he move out anyway?

Keep your independence. Don't let him control you.

“In the months he lived with me he did a lot of things I'm not comfortable with.”

Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who does things you’re not comfortable with in your own home?

You need to tell him to move out.

Tell him to move out.. Run! He's controlling