Narcissist Ex turned up at our son's school

[OddSocksMama]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Apologies in advance as this is long... but for context....I left my long term relationship in summer of 2023 (married ten years but together a lot longer) because of emotional and psychological abuse, as well as manipulative and controlling behaviour. We have one DS (5) who lives mainly with me and spends every 2nd weekend with ex DH (who definitely shows many traits of narcissism, and I even suspect full blown NPD).

Ex DH took me to court for residence literally the day before DS was about to start school last autumn. The sheriff at the outset questioned the need for an emergency order (I got notified on the Friday that I had to be in court the following Tuesday). The sheriff seemed bemused given there was already reasonable contact arrangements in place (I moved just under an hour's car journey away, to be closer to my family and support network...it's also the area ex DH's parents still live and where ex DH grew up).

Anyway, within about a week of leaving the family home, I ensured regular (weekly) contact was established, for DS's sake first and foremost - I shall always put my son's needs first despite the difficult relationship with ex DH. I was awarded residence (interim) pending a further hearing, but then ex DH dropped the further action scheduled (I suspect because he knew he had a hope in hells chance of being awarded residence - I have been DS's full time carer since he was born whereas ex DH travelled regularly for work and his plan was to use breakfast clubs before and after school pretty much every day, so that effectively DS had 10 hours of clubs/school!).

I was told by the head teacher of DS's new school (it's the first school he has attended, to be clear) that he wanted me to feel reassured that the school was a "safe space" for DS and I. I have been receiving support from Women's Aid, and DS and I are currently in a refuge, which the school is aware of. Ex DH has been to the school for various meetings with the staff, which overall I don't have an issue with - he has parental rights and ultimately it's his right to enquire or liaise with DS's school about our son and his education - I also keep him informed. However, I also feel ex DH is using school as a vehicle to punish me. He actually texted me "I have let school know all about you". He lies compulsively and goodness knows what he's told them. He warned me when we were together that if I tried to leave with DS, he'd destroy me, get the best lawyers, wouldn't rest until I was locked up in an asylum.

Anyway, fast forward to today...and at pick up time I collected DS, took him around to the main doors/reception area (as we often do to visit the loo before the 20 min walk to the refuge). When we were almost finished in the loo, someone tried the door handle just as I was about to open the door - it was my ex DH! He was at the school for yet another meeting with DS's teacher (who is lovely and knows the background). Whilst I can't stop ex DH visiting our son's school....

AIBU to expect that the school could have at least informed me that ex DH had a meeting scheduled, especially as it was right at pick-up time? The receptionists (who would have booked the appointment, I presume) know that DS and I are in a WA refuge, that there's been domestic abuse (I finally left when my DS started acting like my protector and DS was even in tears a few times because of his dad's angry outbursts at me). They (receptionists) also know we regularly go round (almost every day) to reception to use the loos (DS has some issues with toileting which make this necessary).

Apologies again for the long post and thank you for getting this far. Would appreciate others views on this - how would you feel and what would you do about it? Thank you.

Sounds awful for you. Well done for leaving. Also looks like the school have dropped the ball there. What is he having so many meetings with the school about?
They should have been more careful. I think you need to speak to the Head and inform them about exactly what is going on and what you need for your safety.

Also, do you need a restraining order or something . Might be worth getting some legal advice . The refuge manager might be able to point you in the right direction. I’m not an expert but this seems but of an odd situation. You are having to live in a refuge and he’s pitching up at the school.

I would ask them to not schedule his appointments around drop off or pick up or during the school day preferably as the situation today distressed your son, you don’t want it to happen again. School should be a safe environment for children. Ask what the context of the meeting was and why he’s having them beyond normal parents evening? who is making the appointment? I’m presuming there are no parenting concerns especially as your in refuge as they would have raised concerns so if there are no issues there or educationally as school would have raised with you too he’s using parental responsibility as method of control. Make school aware they could for example settle his “concerns” with a zoom meeting as they’re so frequent.

I would ask them to not schedule his appointments around drop off or pick up or during the school day

That's an unreasonable request as when is a parent supposed to have meetings with their kid's school?

Make school aware they could for example settle his “concerns” with a zoom meeting as they’re so frequent.

That's not up to the OP.

The problem the OP has is that there are no court orders stating who picks up the child when and/or that her ex needs to stay away from her.

The OP can only say clearly what happened in the toilet situation and hope the school now acts to keep them apart.

The OP needs to try to get a non-molestation order then inform the school he needs to stay away from her.

Btw my DP has been in a similar situation where his ex was using third parties to intimate him but there were and are court orders which makes it easier for the school and others to act.

Oh and OP unless your ex has been officially diagnosed by psychiatrists you can't call him a narcissist.

When you talk to any professionals including your kid's school describe his behaviour clearly and as briefly as possible.

People who have encountered abusive, controlling and intimidating people can see his behaviour for what it is.

Sounds like he's having multiple 'meetings' with school to try and build up a case to use in court. Ie: "I've had over 10 meetings with school about my ex W" trying to make OP look unhinged enough to need 10 meetings to be had about her and to make him look all 'proactive' and innocent.

If you want the staff at school to be concerned you need to address it in a way that reminds them he's everyone's problem.

School is a business, they sell it as a safe haven and from 9-3 it likely is for all children as the staff are CRB checked and are the only ones having access to the children within those hours.

They have no understanding of what risks your family are now in thanks to their poor communication. They also do not have an interest unless it effects school staff or pupil safety. They do not have training on dv or coercive control etc.

If your child is having supervised visits, then ex poses a threat to this rule. If he has your son without a contact order in place, school is unlikely to be concerned.

I am the main care giver for my son. My ex does not prioritize the well being of our shared child. Following the incident of xyz on school property by my ex, I would like to clarify what we'll being and pastoral support is available for my child. Give them more work for them to do for failing to protect you and your child might back fire though.

There is a possibility the school will expect you to leave the school earlier to accommodate your ex as you are the easier party to challenge.

Thank you to everyone who has replied so far and I've taken on board all of what's been written. Shall update later.

Emailed DS head teacher today to inform him about what happened on Monday. Made clear that I don't have an issue per se with Ex DH visiting school for meetings - he does have parental rights after all, and there are no court orders in place. I just feel really sad and let down that this could happen, i.e. that ex DH and I could come face to face like that, with DS caught in the middle. It was the HT that took me aside not long after DS started there to reassure me that the school was a "safe place" (actual words) for DS and I. I also had a meeting with the class teacher and principal teacher late November (at their request to obtain more information to help support DS in school) and they know the situation between ex and I. No parenting concerns about myself, and my WA support worker (an ex police officer) would vouch for that, as well as numerous others including HV.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words of encouragement and support...it's been really appreciated as I am feeling upset. I just wanted a fresh start here for DS and I. DS is tentatively forming some friendships and I have gotten to know some of the school mums, though just from brief chats at the school gates. I just dread DH using the school on a regular basis to get at me. Fair enough if there's a valid reason for his meetings...but I know he'll be using any opportunity he can to run me down and paint me in a bad light - he's even said this: "I've let school know all about you". Hoping the school will soon get sick of him to be honest.

I actually offered Ex DH the chance to go to the first "Open Event" at the school (because I had had an initial show around the day before DS started.... after a mad dash back from court that morning because of Ex DH's attempt to gain residence!). I also offered this because DS excitedly spoke about showing his daddy his school (this was actually the main reason I suggested it). I later learned that Ex DH met a fortnight later with DS class teacher. He then attended the Parents Evening two weeks after that (he didn't inform me that he was going...I only found out from the teacher when sat in front of her, but the school had at least purposely scheduled his visit for a lot later that evening). So Monday's meeting would have been the 4th time Ex DH has attended DS's school.

Given there are no court orders and no court action pending, Ex DH and I are free to make contact arrangements as we wish. My solicitor at the time told me that we could use the contact arrangements agreed at the previous hearing as a blueprint (which we do, i.e. contact EOW). She further informed me that as DS's primary carer who makes daily decisions about his health, welfare etc - that effectively I am what she called the "de facto parent". Unfortunately that solicitor has moved on and I'll likely end up looking for another solicitor at some point. But in the meantime, does anyone (ideally any legal experts, but also parents who have similarly been told they are the "de facto parent") have any understanding of what "de facto parent" actually means? Does it mean, for instance, that I have (or should have) more rights than Ex DH?

Re. getting specific orders in place...to be honest, I didn't think it'd be necessary given ex DH lives a 2 hour round trip away (and hoping it's still not as I'm just exhausted at even the thought of court right now!). I'm hoping he soon runs out of "valid reasons" to visit DS's school and I just want a peaceful life now for DS and myself. Have a horrible feeling though that this is only the start. Some other concerns too (about alienating, manipulative behaviour), but too late and too exhausted at the moment to post!

Thanks again to everyone who has replied so far!