Grandparents treating my sons differently

[Toddlermum21]

Hi im mum of a 2 and a half year old and a 6 week old baby. First baby my parents were obsessed, very involved from day one, massive support to me and my partner, my son now has an amazing relationship with his grandparents and has regular sleepovers (at gransparents request rarely ours) my mum helped with childcare so i didnt need to pay nursery fees, literally couldnt fault her.

Aibu for being annoyed and hurt that they aren’t showing much/any interest in my second son? Granted he is only 6 weeks old but my mum has only been round once, my dad its almost as if he blatently ignores him. I never get asked for updates or pictures, when they text they ask how my eldest son is and never my youngest. They have been buying my eldest a lot of gifts (clothes, books toys) and again nothing for youngest apart from a sleepsuit when he was born. My mum has offered to take baby for a walk in his pram a few times and then hasnt shown up on the day

my eldest was their first grandchild so i get the excitement but the way my second child is being treated is polar opposite. My mum heavily favoured my sister over me growing up so there is history.

Similar has happened in my family. 6 grandchildren- only the first grandchild is given much attention/ played with/ visited/ spoken about. It’s bizarre. They’ve been asked about their behaviour and then token gestures of attention were given to the others on one visit (they even said that they had interacted with the other 5 so what else did the family want?!). It’s all very sad really. Rejection can impact a persons self esteem for life, especially from parents and grandparents.
has your relationship changed with your parents since your first which might be the reason? Has your sister had children in the meantime so the grandchild novelty has worn off?
could you and DH speak to your parents and ask why it comes across that they don’t want to be involved with your youngest’s life?

When my second granddaughter was born, I saw it as my role to make sure that her sister got lots of attention from me. And of course she sought interaction where a six week old doesn't.

Looking back, it's hard to remember how it all went when #2 was six weeks old. But a year on, of course it's the one who can chat who's the first to greet me and get the attention. But I quickly acknowledge the little one straight afterwards, and as she's getting that bit older it's easier to be more inclusive and give her plenty of attention too. She's absolutely gorgeous, so it's not for want of affection on my part.

I imagine that it would have looked as though I want giving the second one the same attention. But the scenario that she was born into was very different, not because she's less important, but because she's not arrived into a family that only comprises adults. It's just different.

Anyway, my DD seems happy enough with my grandparenting I think.

When my second child came along this is exactly how we all were with the first, making a point of them feeling loved and lots of attention because they'd just gone through so much change having a baby sibling. The baby knows no different at this age, your older child does.

Tbf 6 week old babies aren’t that engaging. Toddlers can get jealous so it’s nice the 2yr old is being neglected in favour of the new sibling.

It's quite common I think. My dd was like the chosen one. The subsequent 4 grandchildren that followed were not as interesting.

When I had ds tho (second husband) dh parents were moderately interested until their dd had a baby

We have 3 GC all from the same child and tbh we haven't really interacted with them as wee babies ( other then the first as we practically reared him )

Theres 7 years between them all, so the older ones have always needed more attention . Now DGC1 is 17, being with the grandparents is the last thing on his mind, but when his sister came along he needed us for his special times as mum and dad were so focussed on DGC2. Now DGC2 is ten and the parents are focussed on DGC3 she needs us more and loves our visits and loves to come stay with us so now it seems its all about her

DGC3 time will come but at the moment his world is him, mum and dad and his trucks and Pepa Pig. His time will come, when he can sleep in his own bed and through the night ( hes still getting in with mum and dad )

So yes our relationship with our GC has changed, ebbed and flowed over the years but it doesn't mean we love any of them more or less

If anything my mum and mines relationship has improved since having first child, no changes that would impact on second child.

and no my sister doesn’t have children yet so my two boys are the only grandchildren

Completely agree with this and we as parents make sure hes showered with attention and nice for his grandparents to do the same. However when hes at nursery on the days my mum doesn’t work, i thought she would spend those days at least asking about him, seeing him- again i know shes under no obligation to but its the complete opposite to the interest she showed to my older son as a newborn

Same thing happened here. DD1 was doted on. Mum would come and get her up and take her down for breakfast (I ran a B&B with mum and mum, who lived elsewhere, came to cook the breakfasts and I did the rest) and leave me to sleep just so she could have her "grandbaby time". She didn't babysit because DH and I didn't really go anywhere other than him going to work but she would take DD round the farm and just generally be really attentive. She gave her nicknames, bought her loads of gifts and generally spoiled her.

DD2 was completely different and we were living elsewhere but nearby. She never came to see her, never popped in, gifts were the standard birthday or Christmas only. The lack of interest in DD2 did spread to DD1 and by DS's birth grandma didn't give a shite about any of them.

Eldest is now 17 and grandma doesn't bother at all. She chucked some money into the girl's accounts some time after 5pm on Christmas Day. DS got a bike that I had to find, purchase, have delivered to me, build, wrap and even present to him like it was from Grandma and she gave me the money for it. Basically, grandma spent more effort into putting her shoes on on Christmas Day than getting gifts for her 3 grandkids. She did spend multiple calls in the run up to me telling me what she wanted me to buy and cook for her and stepdad coming round on Christmas Day though.

OP, you can't force your mum to give a shit about her other grandchild, but you can police how she treats them. If she buys a gift for firstborn, thank her and ask what she got for second born. If she says nothing, either hand it her back or thank her politely and say you'll put it away until you can get something else to make it fair. Dont allow her to babysit firstborn alone. Either she takes turns with the kids, takes two or takes none.

Ahh this is really sad about your DD1 and the relationship she must have had with your mum, to then be dropped and interest lost. Completely agree with what you’ve said and will definitely be policing the interactions with my first son.

Dont allow her to babysit firstborn alone. Either she takes turns with the kids, takes two or takes none.

I'm sorry but that's ridiculous. My eldest granddaughter has been having sleepovers and occasional childcare from me for week overtwo years. Her little sister isn't yet old enough for the former, and is only just old enough for me to do childcare for her or both.

Thank goodness that my DD recognised that it was important for DGD1's relationship with the me to continue while the second DGD was too young to join her.

I dont think its a ridiculous suggestion if a parent has noticed lack of interest from the grandparent towards other child?

if my mum had shown even half an interest in my newborn as she did with my eldest at the same age, then of course he would continue with his sleepovers alone if needed. But it makes you second guess why you would leave your child with grandparents who only seem capable of acknowledging one child.

OP sl and her mum are only six weeks in to their new situation. It's ridiculous to predict worst case scenarios and start banning her mum from seeing the first GC alone. Give it time.

The excitement around a second baby is different from the first (not necessarily lesser, but different) even for their parents, never mind grandparents. There's a different dynamic when an existing toddler is thrown into the equation.

Encourage the relationship, don't punish her by withdrawing access to the toddler. That's not in the toddlers interests, and it certainly won't help facilitate GMs relationship with the new baby.
There are positive ways of bringing her attention to the baby when she's focused on the toddler. Try them first