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AIBU?

Husband messaging female from work on instagram

26 replies

helpagirlout2004 · 15/01/2024 22:09

So hubby recently let slip to me that he has exchanged memes on instagram with a female whom he had a brief relationship with before he met me.
When my suspicions were sparked around the accidental revelation, he began to back track and told a web of lies trying to cover up what's been happening, including deleting all the messages between them and making up a reason (that he's since admitted was a lie) as an excuse for them being back in touch .
Of course I've asked the usual questions about the content, frequency and amount of memes exchanged (which he claims were all entirely innocent and just funny stuff he'd seen online), but he's unable to explain why of everyone he has on his social media account he'd consistently choose her to send things to.
My gut is exploding, I know it isn't right but what do I do? Everything has been deleted, so I have no hard evidence but don't currently believe a word he's telling me and I feel totally broken and lost

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Notimeforaname · 15/01/2024 22:12

Well he lies, then admits bits, then lies again. So, what you do know is that you cant actually trust anything he says.
So stop taking his word for anything.

All you can do is watch, wait for evidence. But before that, figure out where your boundary is, what you will/won't leave him for. Figure that out and wait to see if it happens.

RachelGreensHair · 15/01/2024 22:12

Did he say why he deleted the messages?

Notimeforaname · 15/01/2024 22:13

Otherwise you'll just keep arguing and accusing. And getting used to accepting lies.
He isn't honest. He will either build that trust back and stop any bulshit or he wont. Know your cut off point.

SecondHandFurniture · 15/01/2024 22:14

The main thing here that makes it suspicious is that they had a brief relationship before. I have an ongoing meme chat with a male colleague but it's all football-related and we have both been married over 10 years.

General funny stuff in large quantities suggests she is on his mind a lot but without the content of the messages it's hard to know what the tone is.

helpagirlout2004 · 15/01/2024 22:20

RachelGreensHair · 15/01/2024 22:12

Did he say why he deleted the messages?

He said he panicked when I started asking questions as in hindsight he knew I'd be upset at the amount of messages but stands his ground that there was nothing inappropriate in the messages

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fruitbrewhaha · 16/01/2024 09:42

I’d say while the content wasn’t inappropriate it’s obvious he is trying to start up a relationship with her, which is. He’s dated her before and is flirting. He’s on some very dangerous ground. The marriage can be saved but he needs to work out what he wants and you need to tell him that if he goes down this road again it’s over (if that’s how you feel).

cheddercherry · 16/01/2024 09:50

It’s actually nothing to do with him now, he can’t show you evidence he’s conveniently destroyed so you can never fully know from his side what’s gone on. He lies, so nothing he says has any stock now really. There’s now little he can do beyond try and honestly say if he also wants to work at your marriage, or was he looking for an out. Time and time again it seems people prefer to blow their lives up with affairs rather than leave themselves.

It’s in your court, can you deal with the fact the lies and trust are gone even if physically he may not have cheated. Is it worse it’s a sustained emotional connection over say a one night stand with a stranger? It’s not about him it’s about what you can live with not. Then you can decide what to do from there but think about YOU first and what you want, because clearly he’s not been considering you.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2024 09:52

It's inappropriate that he has messaged her at all and you can't trust him.

I really hope you don't have children with this man.

Cherry8809 · 16/01/2024 11:20

You can recover/download messages on IG, just FYI.

sadnc · 16/01/2024 12:07

Is he saying it's memes but was it actually photos?

TheInfusionist · 16/01/2024 12:17

Do women really call other women 'females'? It reads so oddly to me.

helpagirlout2004 · 16/01/2024 13:03

Cherry8809 · 16/01/2024 11:20

You can recover/download messages on IG, just FYI.

Really? Are you able to tell me how please? I can then ask him if he'd be willing to do this and if not then I probably have my answer...

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helpagirlout2004 · 16/01/2024 13:04

TheInfusionist · 16/01/2024 12:17

Do women really call other women 'females'? It reads so oddly to me.

I'm not sure why you find this odd?

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helpagirlout2004 · 16/01/2024 13:05

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2024 09:52

It's inappropriate that he has messaged her at all and you can't trust him.

I really hope you don't have children with this man.

I do yes ages 16 and 13 so not quite as easy as walking away with only myself to consider

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Cherry8809 · 16/01/2024 13:44

helpagirlout2004 · 16/01/2024 13:03

Really? Are you able to tell me how please? I can then ask him if he'd be willing to do this and if not then I probably have my answer...

Of course. Settings > Account Centre > Your Information and Permissions > Download Your Information.

It can take a few days, but it’ll send out an email with all conversations and photos.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 16/01/2024 14:18

If you have children that old, it must be a fair while since they had a relationship! I wouldn't like this, the lying especially.

Do they still work together? Why has he randomly started talking to her again after such a long time?

helpagirlout2004 · 16/01/2024 22:20

IAmAnIdiot123 · 16/01/2024 14:18

If you have children that old, it must be a fair while since they had a relationship! I wouldn't like this, the lying especially.

Do they still work together? Why has he randomly started talking to her again after such a long time?

We've been together almost 20 years so yes it was a long time ago that they briefly dated, before I even knew him. They've always remained in touch loosely through work as the nature of our work dictates that and I've never had a problem with that. When social media became a thing they followed one another on their, again no issue with this whatsoever. But I've no idea why they suddenly started to send private memes or whatever has gone on. He says he sends stuff to lots of people that he finds funny but he can't explain why he directly messaged her over a period of time and then felt the need to delete it all. She is single and so I assume was welcoming of the attention and perhaps it wasn't inappropriate in content, but he has crossed a boundary as far as I'm concerned

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helpagirlout2004 · 16/01/2024 22:22

Cherry8809 · 16/01/2024 13:44

Of course. Settings > Account Centre > Your Information and Permissions > Download Your Information.

It can take a few days, but it’ll send out an email with all conversations and photos.

Thanks, I've deleted a few messages from my account and have requested the info as you've said above. Will see if the deleted messages from my account appear in the info they send and then will approach him with this

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MumDaisy1980 · 16/01/2024 22:57

That’s awful!!

i don’t think need to know the details. If nth to hide, why delete ?!

I also think women’s sixth sense / gut feeling is always true.

I would suggest to detach from the relationship for a while , like leaving him but not divorcing . As in give him a sense of what’s mean of his consequence .

like move out temporary (has it happened before)? Live your life a bit, make sure live better than his and show him what he missed out. Then when both of you calm down, can revisit your marriage and make joint decision of what to do. Maybe forgive and new promise (I guess you would sense his honesty) - two of you become stronger together or worst case to go through break up ( which normally both of you try to prevent that given he mention delete message - means he cares your feeling )

Christmaslights21 · 17/01/2024 09:04

How are things op? Did you recover the messages?

TygerPassant · 17/01/2024 09:06

helpagirlout2004 · 16/01/2024 13:04

I'm not sure why you find this odd?

It’s pretty strange. If you were texting a colleague, would you describe him as ‘a male at work’?

araiwa · 17/01/2024 09:12

Mostly only Andrew Tate style incels and ferengi use 'female' like that

Duckingella · 17/01/2024 09:25

So your husband is having a midlife crisis and messaging an old flame in the vain hope of garnering attention and giving his ego a boost.

heatdeath · 17/01/2024 09:32

where has this online thing of calling women/girls “females” come from? Do people do it irl too?

Surely most people would say e.g. my husband’s been messaging a woman on Instagram, or I have the hump woman I work with rather than “a FEMALE” 🤨 ?

FartSock5000 · 17/01/2024 09:51

@helpagirlout2004 he's an idiot.

I'm sure sharing meme's was never a big issue even if it was with a former ex but he has made it all worse by lying and trying to hide his actions. It would make anyone suspicious!

Sit him down. Explain in crystal clear words that lying and hiding your actions is what the issue is now - not sharing memes. It has led to you not trusting him and has caused harm in the relationship. Ask him to tell you if there is anything else he has hidden such as sexual content or flirting. Give him one chance to put his cards on the table and be honest.

Then get the messages un-deleted and check them. If he has lied again - you have to reconsider being with a man you can't trust. If he was being honest, consider therapy to help rebuild that trust. You can forgive a weak, scared partner but not a dishonest, sneaky one.

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