I left ds’ dad when ds was 3 months. I didn’t want this but the relationship was awful. He barely saw ds between 3 months to 1 year but in the last few months he’s seen him once a week… unless he has work. I’ve never stopped him seeing ds and to be honest I would like it if he saw him more as ds is now 15 months and hard work. So I have ongoing resentment that ex enjoys time to himself every evening and one day at the weekend and then pops in for a few hours over weekend. He does help in terms of finances and even hoovered for me the other day, I didn’t ask. I know it’s not all bad but now I am also back to work I am sinking a bit. Ex will not do more than he does (I’ve asked he says he can’t).
I feel constantly frazzled. Mind in overdrive as I have to get ds ready for nursery and also keep on top of work. I wanted to keep my job (earn around 75k) but it is fucking hard. Bills are tight as it is eve with ex’s maintenance. I have cried so much today as ds got home from nursery and was sick. Spent ages comforting him, cleaning him, giving medicine etc. House is a state. No idea if I can work tomorrow as ds may be too unwell for nursery. Then more stress with work. Constantly worrying I will lose my job. Again ex doesn’t give a shit as he considers himself in an even more demanding job.
I look like shit. Really and truly. I was never model material but I always felt I looked nice. I feel and look years older than I am. I barely have time to eat. I can’t do much at weekends as ds is too little to enjoy cinema or something. I just feel so sad.
I nearly called in sick this week as I feel so unhappy but where will that lead me. I feel like my life is over and I’m just existing and hoping I get by or through the day. I can’t watch tv as my mind is so scattered I don’t follow it anymore, storylines are lost on me.
I don’t know what I’m asking really, I’m just not ok. Will it get better and if so how? I know others have worse ex’s than mine and rationally I know it’s not just his rubbish contribution in terms of his time in raising ds and it’s other factors like I’m just totally overwhelmed by never ever stopping. Work and looking after a toddler seems impossible. I’m failing at both.