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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I’ve been dropped by friends ?

24 replies

Powerstruggle01 · 15/01/2024 13:14

Not sure if I’m being sensitive here but feel like I’ve been dropped / replaced

I met Friend A a couple of years ago through our husbands who are friends. At the time Friend A was having a tough time with her friendship group who were leaving her out so I made a big effort with her, suggesting lunches / dinners etc. It was always me who instigated the meet ups but I felt like we had a nice time and her DH kept saying to my DH how nice it was that we were doing things together and that Friend A really appreciated / enjoyed it.

Last year another of the men in my DH’s group got a girlfriend and we socialised as a group including us hosting them all at our house several times - we were never invited back but didn’t think too much of it.

Before Xmas I messaged Friend A re dinner and she said we should also invite Friend B. I was happy with this and (I thought) we all had a nice time.

I organised a lunch with A & B this weekend, and it became really clear that Friend A has been organising lots of meet ups with B and not including me / organising anything with me. All Friend B could talk about was all the fun things her and A had been doing together and how nice A was to keep inviting her over etc. Every time I tried to move the conversation away they steered it back to another in joke or reminisce on a day out they’d had. I then got home and saw on social media that they’d spent the whole afternoon / evening together after our lunch.

AIBU to feel like Friend A has used me when it suited her and dropped me? I don’t mind being the person arranging things as I know some people just don’t but she’s clearly been the driving force behind all the meet ups with Friend B so I’m feeling like I’ve been deliberately excluded .

OP posts:
Sandtownnel · 15/01/2024 13:41

Yanbu, I guess this is why she had friendship issues. She was the problem! Actually friend B sounds just as unkind, rubbing it in that you are left out. Honestly would leave them to each other and keep a distance - they will soon fallout with each other too!

Silvergreenblue · 15/01/2024 13:46

Not worth bothering with. Some people are happy to have you as friends when they go through bad patches with other friends. As soon as they get what they see as better offers they're off and couldn't care less about you.

Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 15/01/2024 14:39

@Sandtownnel yes it did cross my mind that her friendship issues might have been self inflicted !

And yes I think Friend B was really enjoying making it clear that they’ve become really close

OP posts:
Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 15/01/2024 14:40

@Silvergreenblue trouble is I don’t want to back of too much and then ruin things for my husband and his friends

OP posts:
LenaLamont · 15/01/2024 14:49

They met seperately to you and have clearly clicked more as mates.

I wouldn't take it personally - you are Friend A weren't exactly besties, and you're phrasing your socialising with her like you were doing her a favour rather than because you got on well.

If you can still have a nice time with them in a group of 3 then great. If not, don't stress it too much and withdraw a little.

There is no reason to cause disruption in the wider group because two recently acquainted friends hit it off better with each other than they did with you.

BlueGrey1 · 15/01/2024 14:54

Let them crack on with it but I would no longer consider them friends just acquaintances, don’t initiate any meet-ups but be friendly when you do meet.
The next time they ask you to meet say you are busy, let them know that you are not at all reliant on their friendship.
They both sound quite silly and will probably fall out eventually, friend A seems to have friendship issues

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2024 14:57

Do any of you have children?

Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 15/01/2024 15:10

@LenaLamont definitely not done as a favour - as I said in my OP I always felt like we had a nice time & feedback seemed to be that she did to so that’s why I’m a little surprised I’ve been dropped.

We all met Friend B at the same time (at my house!) but as you say they clearly have hit it off a lot better than they did with me. I just didn’t find the lunch particularly enjoyable as all they could talk about was all the nice things they have done together & not included me in. It felt bitchy tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 15/01/2024 15:10

@Aquamarine1029 no children yet for any of us.

OP posts:
Newchapterbeckons · 15/01/2024 15:14

I wouldn’t meet up any more as a group of 3 and become very very busy!

Obviously you can tell dh, but protect his friendships by not making a big deal of this. If they ask just the same on repeat work etc is super busy.

Their relationship won’t last, it’s already too toxic, and you will soon have friend A moaning about the issues again! Smile and remember why!!

Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 15/01/2024 15:15

@BlueGrey1 yes you’re right to not view them as friends - they never initiate any meet ups, it’s always me so I suppose they don’t really care either way. I just don’t want my husband to start being left out too when they meet up as couples.

OP posts:
Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 15/01/2024 15:15

Sounds like they clicked alright, it may not be personal just they have more in common. That said, it was incredibly insensitive and downright bitchy to keep bringing their connection up in front of you. B knew that she only met A at your house, regardless of your relationship with A, B should have been conscious that she was the newcomer and been more respectful. It sounds like its a case of a birds of a feather flock together. I'd try to rise above it but don't initiate things anymore, enjoy their company when you meet them but just see them as social acquaintances.

Greycottage · 15/01/2024 15:16

Well they don’t sound very mature, so it’s no great loss.

But at the same time, real life isn’t like primary school where teacher can force you all to play together equally. They get on better as mates with each other. There’s nothing inherently bitchy about that. They don’t have to invite you every time just because you knew them both first.

If you hosted them multiple times but they never invited you back, then that should have been taken as a hint really.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 15/01/2024 15:33

I'd back off a bit. Perhaps initiate one or two casual meet ups / coffee with them a year - just to keep yourself visible, separately or with both A&B, but don't be too concerned if they can't make it or bail. Also include both A&B if you're hosting a party / drinks / bbq etc. Otherwise, leave them to it.

You sound much nicer than them.

RandomButtons · 15/01/2024 15:37

Sounds like there’s a reason she had problems with previous friendship group. She sounds very immature.

endinthefrownz · 15/01/2024 15:40

This is tricky because of the husbands friendships.
I would not be bothering with the friends, it's one thing that they get on better, it's another to completely rub it in your face.

Personally, I'd make zero effort, I'd have no expectation of any friendship with the women and wouldn't organise or attend anything where it's just the three of you. I'd be perfectly pleasant.

If there's a group social with all six of you, just go and hang out with the husbands.

Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 15/01/2024 15:43

@Greycottage yes I should have taken the hint - I presumed it was just because our house is better suited to hosting (one is in the middle of a massive Reno & the other is in a house share) but yes silly not to realise really.

OP posts:
SuperDopper · 15/01/2024 15:52

LenaLamont · 15/01/2024 14:49

They met seperately to you and have clearly clicked more as mates.

I wouldn't take it personally - you are Friend A weren't exactly besties, and you're phrasing your socialising with her like you were doing her a favour rather than because you got on well.

If you can still have a nice time with them in a group of 3 then great. If not, don't stress it too much and withdraw a little.

There is no reason to cause disruption in the wider group because two recently acquainted friends hit it off better with each other than they did with you.

This really.

I know it feels personal, but they simply got on better than you and Friend A did. Different personalities click differently, that’s all it is.

Flowersandchoc · 15/01/2024 16:08

Hmm I’m not sure I agree with PP that it’s not personal - are you saying OP should happily sit there and listen to them deliberately talk about the things she’s not been included on. Surely they could have found other topics of conversation for a few hours.

Fair enough that A&B get on better but
friend B knew exactly what she was doing by constantly bringing up all the things they’ve done without OP - she sounds very bitchy and I would give them both a wide berth.

BlueGrey1 · 15/01/2024 16:21

@Powerstruggle01

You are too good of a person for them, but I think you realise that now

Have you discussed how you feel about them with your husband as he should know so that ye are both on the same page, they are behaving like mean girls

SomethingWitty44 · 15/01/2024 16:34

Flowersandchoc · 15/01/2024 16:08

Hmm I’m not sure I agree with PP that it’s not personal - are you saying OP should happily sit there and listen to them deliberately talk about the things she’s not been included on. Surely they could have found other topics of conversation for a few hours.

Fair enough that A&B get on better but
friend B knew exactly what she was doing by constantly bringing up all the things they’ve done without OP - she sounds very bitchy and I would give them both a wide berth.

This, in a nutshell. It's not the fact that they clicked, it's the bitchiness of rubbing it OPs face & the exclusion.
You should lovely OP

MakeEasy · 15/01/2024 17:05

oh poor you. My 18-year-old daughter is going through this currently. Although one of them is her best friend of 10 years which makes it even more painful.

I honestly don’t think these situations get much easier with age. Of course it feels horrible. They should at least not discuss things right in front of you. That is just mean.

Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 15/01/2024 17:43

@Flowersandchoc yes I think you’re right - it was the blatant flaunting of me not being included that hurt the most.

@MakeEasy sorry to hear that your daughter. Girls / women can be so cruel sometimes

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 15/01/2024 19:12

BlueGrey1 · 15/01/2024 14:54

Let them crack on with it but I would no longer consider them friends just acquaintances, don’t initiate any meet-ups but be friendly when you do meet.
The next time they ask you to meet say you are busy, let them know that you are not at all reliant on their friendship.
They both sound quite silly and will probably fall out eventually, friend A seems to have friendship issues

This

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