To think my mum is weird?

[feddup1]

I don’t want to talk about this to anyone in RL so hoping I can vent/begin to understand this situation whilst being anonymous.

I don’t understand why my mum is like the way she is, I will give one or two examples but just bear in mind there are hundreds of others! I feel she plays my siblings and I against each other such as if she’s visiting one of my siblings to look after their kids she will become very secretive the week leading up to it. She will call me and always tell me she won’t be contactable for a few days next week as her phone isn’t working - this is what tells me everytime she’s visiting a sibling! Honestly I don’t care, I have my Inlaws to take care of my kids if I ever need them (they are in school full time and I work part time so there’s never a need). She tells my siblings not to tell each other as it will cause her problems but in actual fact she’s the one who causes the issues and it’s all in her head!

when my youngest was born and she came to stay for a few days she told me not to tell my siblings. I hate secrets and it makes me anxious.

She tells my siblings how much money me and husband have (we haven’t told her anything about finances). She tries to make my siblings jealous I think in her weird way.

I decided this year I’ll minimise my contact with her. I haven’t worked for a year but decided to go back this year and she keeps calling me trying to get information about where I’m working how much money I’m earning etc. I keep ending the call when I see her trying to get this information. She’s trying to emotionally manipulate me but saying “you don’t even tell your mother”. I’m so fed up of her. DH thinks I should tell her very little as she’s caused so many issues with people asking us for money as she goes around telling literally every person that we are loaded and we live in a huge house etc. just for context we are not loaded! We have same problems and worries about money, maybe not as much as my siblings but we are not as rich as she makes it out to everyone. I’m really sick of her! How to handle her I’m so annoyed and upset I couldn’t have a nice mum.

That is odd behaviour

Just tell her you love your job so much you work for free..
Rinse and repeat.

Thank you for your replies. I’ve had enough of her. I’m worried one day I’ll become like her as the saying goes you become like your parents one day! I’m wondering if her issues are from anxiety - maybe she thinks too much and this causes her to come across this strange way?

I’m worried one day I’ll become like her as the saying goes you become like your parents one day!

What were her parents like? Any parallels?

Mine are similar. All us siblings get on well enough (distance and at different points in life so we are rarely in touch but we wouldn't fall out, I don't think) but my step mum and dad keep every interaction they have with any of us all closeted and hush-hush. Except when they want to bitch about us... It's their last vestige of control over a group of adults, and it's honestly pathetic. Drama manufacturing nonsense.

@feddup1 How old is your mum?
Did she treat you and your siblings like this when you were younger. For instance during your childhood or before you had children?

You need to make it clear that other people know about your private matters and so you won’t be saying anything about salaries etc to anyone from now on.

I did similar with someone about health matters (not my mum though). I closed off the information supply as what I thought anyone would realise was confidential had been passed to other people. A comment was made about me not saying anything about my pregnancy and I said something like ‘I’d rather keep it within immediate family but that hasn’t happened so it would be best to say nothing.’ Nothing further was ever said. I think the person was a little put out, but there it is.

as the saying goes you become like your parents one day
That's a silly nonsensical saying, like an old wives' tale. You are you, not her, you won't somehow turn into her as you get older, and you won't want to treat your own kids like this.

It sounds like she's bored in retirement and wants to create a bit of drama and intrigue.

I'm sure your siblings have her sussed as well, so when talking to them, just laugh it off, roll your eyes and change the subject. My mum was the same, so we didn't tell her anything financial, health or work related. I always turned the conversation back on her, and what she had been doing.

My Mum sounds similar.

When she tells me not to tell my siblings something, I ring or text them straight away to let them know she's visiting me. I take away the weird secrecy she has around it and don't let myself get pulled into stupid rituals and 'rules' she has.

It would be worth calling her out when she asks you about your salary and let her know people have came back to you asking for money because she's spreading false information. I would be telling her you're going to tell them she's a bit of a liar and she's not to be believed.

Theres a wonderful thing called an information diet that I think would work well for you. Its perfectly pleasant and inoffensive but keeps nosey parkers and meddlers at bay.
Just deflect all her intrusive questions and treat it all very light heartedly and with humour.

'What do you earn? How much do you have saved?' Not much mum, you know how the cost of living has affected everyone
'Dont tell your sister Im visiting you! Its a secret and she'll be jealous' Are you sure mum, i think she'd be relieved to have a bit of a break
'I wont be contactable for a few days but I cant tell you why' Sure mom - no problem at all, enjoy yourself at <insert siblings name.>

My MIL was like this. She inherited some money from a sister in her 40s and from then on, she believed everyone’s money was hers.

My husband used to find it difficult not to answer her questions. It used to make me very cross, because it wasn’t just his business he was telling her, but mine, as well. She would tell the wider family all sorts of stuff, or keep it from them, to paint the picture she wanted them
to see.

I am sure that your siblings are also aware of her weirdness, so I wouldn’t worry about them too much. Keep in touch with them as much or as little as you want to. Don’t give her your information, and if she tells you anything about their finances, stop her short. Just say it’s not her business to tell, and if they want you to have that information, they will tell you, themselves.

Now my MIL is dead, the wider family (cousins, mostly) are always trying to get us to meet up. They have lost their source of information about us (we’re really not very interesting) and seem to find that frustrating. We are very low contact with them.

Call her bluff.. All turn up on the same day to visit her.. Gossip about her whilst she is there...

Sometimes when I cant think of a solution to a problem I 'shake the tree and see what falls out'. Of course this has its risks but it's down to your nature and dilemma to decide if it's worth a try.
In your case next time your Mums phone is 'out of use' or shes away, why not randomly visit your sister whilst you're 'that way'. Feign mock surprise and say 'you didnt say...' then steer the conversation to 'actually you never say Mum. For someone so nosey you play your cards very close to your chest. Why is that Mum?"...
Maybe do it when your sister's there to back you up.
Ultimately though it's her way and I doubt she'll change. All you can do is make it clear youll not play along.

My mother is like this. She has always played one sibling off against another. None of us talk to each other now. I personally feel it's too much hard work so decided over the years to bow out from family. Life is much better and a whole look easier.

My mum is a bit like this, she is also a very bored unemployed Alcoholic narcissist though… and she is from a very big family where they were all very jealous of each other. It’s annoying as hell and I have to limit contact for a few reasons!

Thank you for responses. Growing up she would use guilt treatment such as get the younger siblings (which includes me) to go to older siblings to help out with the kids etc. so she wouldn’t have to. Now it’s complete opposite like she hates us all meeting. We were having a get together few years ago(just siblings) and I stupidly told her and she rang them up telling them not to come to my house and my husband won’t like it. She made them think I had called her up to get her to cancel for me! It was so awkward.

Now my MIL is dead, the wider family (cousins, mostly) are always trying to get us to meet up. They have lost their source of information about us (we’re really not very interesting) and seem to find that frustrating. We are very low contact with them.

Have you considered that you are the one being weird now? That maybe your cousins just don't want to lose touch with your branch of the family now that your mother is dead?

My mother is exactly the same. My husbands parents are divorced but both separately play their children off against each other. My mother in law likes the drama. Ffs the woman is nearly 70 and still likes drama! Dhs dad is just dishonest and tells lies about everyone so he has to keep
them apart otherwise we’d compare notes. My mother had to rewrite history to cover up what a neglectful parent she was.

were NC with all of them. Weird implies unusual and I think this type of parent is far more normal than we’d like to think. Note: normal doesn’t mean it’s right.

Growing up, my husband was the scapegoat for the whole set of cousins (7 siblings, of whom 5 had children). They miss their scapegoat.

And honestly, I don’t care if they think I’m weird. My husband’s mental health is more important to me than what these people think of me.

Very wise to tell her as little personal ideas possible. Keep it that way whatever she says.

She is strange.

YANBU, she is weird!

I'd be fascinated to know what her own upbringing was like.