Nightmare ex MIL - AIBU?

[ellie09]

I have an ex MIL to my ex husband who is a complete and utter nightmare.

My ex husband moved out almost 5 years ago now and has since lived with his mum.

His mum was one of the reasons we ended up breaking up permanently as she was horrible to me and he did nothing to try and stick up for me or draw boundaries (she used to come into our home while we were at work for example and redecorate or rearrange furniture in the house).

She has a "too involved" relationship with our child. Probably because he has always lived with her as long as his dad has been there.

Even though we are divorced now, she will come out of her house when I arrive for pick up and show her anger towards me.

Most recently, she came out, opened my car door and started shouting that I was neglectful because the child's school trousers ripped that evening. Apparently I spend all my child maintenance on make up and clothes despite not wearing make up most days and having the same clothes for years. I get £120 maintenance a month, it barely makes a dent in what I pay out. He spends 2x nights a week with his dad.

I apparently neglect his needs as he wears jeans and its "far too cold to wear jeans". Ive put 3 layers on under his coat instead of 4 and I am a "bad mother".

She refused to close my car door, and I wasnt willing to get out of the car to confront her as the last time I tried pushing her away she claimed I assaulted her.

My ex husband was there and pulled her away and told her she was being completely irrational and to leave me alone. If he wasnt there, it would have been mayhem.

She claims she gets angry because she loves our child so much - he's her "baby" etc. I personally think she is far too involved and takes out her anger on me for no reason as all the stuff she spouts out is completely untrue.

Ive told ex husband that I am no longer doing drop offs or pick ups at the house and he will need to do them all. Ive blocked her number and social media so she can't contact me as she has been known in the past to call me constantly (I once had 16 missed calls in a row). Ive told him he needs to get a house of his own in the next few months or I will need to stop him going to stay at his granny's as there needs to be boundaries put in place.

AIBU?

She’s crazy AF.
sp sorry you’re going through this.

i wish it was easy to get a restraining order against bad in-laws 🤣

you did the right thing re drop offs pick ups. Bless you.

Absolutely not unreasonable.
You're a better person than me dealing with that in a more calm way than I could have done.

Just film it all, your son won’t go there when he’s old enough to work out that she is a crazy lady!!

You’ve done the right thing regarding drop offs/pick ups.

I don’t think you can tell him where he can live.

if she continues finding ways to insult you, you’ll have to threaten a restraining order.

You need to tell them that you will go to the police next time. Completely unacceptable behaviour.

Will ex getting a property help? His mum will go round when your son is there or he will drive to hers and stay there so she’s not in his face.

How old is your DC and what's their relationship like with their granny?

why are you doing drop off and pick ups?

YANBU to be upset but you can’t dictate where your son stays when he’s with his father unless you have evidence that his safety is at risk.

I would make it very clear to his mother in writing that she is not to contact you again and any further behaviour of this kind will be treated as harassment and the police will be called. Keep notes of everything, take video evidence where you can. Report to police via 101 if the behaviour continues.

He's almost 7 and he has a good relationship. He really loves her.

She does however start these arguments in front of DS and he ends up distressed wondering why we are fighting. He will then side with her, as he doesnt understand why I drive off, or he cant ring his granny on my phone.

I obviously dont want him to see any of this, but I never start anything. Any time I pick up, I beep the horn and stay in the car.

Move house

I dont think you should stop him going there, you said yourself he has a great relationship with her and loves spending time with her. So you'd be hurting your son and you ex just to get at the ex MIL. But you are totally right to refuse to go there anymore.

You should call the police if she starts shouting at you or opening your car door. She sounds batshit and I wouldn’t want someone that nuts around my child either

And I thought my exes mum was bad. Me and DP split just before Christmas, all very amicable. He had an affair and owned up to it. Exes Mum claims I starve my almost one year old because I wont give him sugar and I just give him "Rabbit food" AKA: Fruits and Vegetables. He eats just fine with me but won't touch anything sugary, she can't stand it

Keep your chin up, love. It's not you who has to deal with her crazy anymore. Maybe have an age appropriate conversation with DS about why you wont let him ring his Grandma when she upsets you. 💐

Could you and your exh arrange handover somewhere else? As in you both drive somewhere so you can do a proper handover? That way your DC will experience a calmer handover and see you and his dad getting along and start to realise who the problem is?

Next time get your phone out and film it. That will worry her.

What @Mulhollandmagoo has suggested is very common.

Try to find a place or places where:

1. Your child can walk from your car to their dad/dad's car and vice versa on their own
2. There are other people present who can witness any batshit behaviour.

I would have told her to fuck off and mind her own business a long time ago! She's treating you like this because you are allowing her to!

I previously stopped all contact for 3 months but letter re. custody from childs dad deemed it unfair so it had to be reinstated unfortunately

Blocking her seems a good start. If this is happening in front of your child then you might have reason to stop the visits but if your ex takes over pick up then these incidents shouldnt occur.
You cannot dictate your exs living arrangements and you definitely cant stop visits just because you two dont get on.
If MIL continues to harass you maybe get the Police involved and ensure you have evidence eg keeping messages, recording any alterations etc.

I previously stopped all contact for 3 months but letter re. custody from childs dad deemed it unfair so it had to be reinstated unfortunately

You are allowed to do handovers at neutral public locations if you feel it will stop your child being distressed by his grandmother's conduct towards you.

The point of contact is so your joint child can have a relationship with both his parents.

So put in writing that due to MIL batshit behaviour you request she isn't at the handovers and they are done at neutral locations. Then give a list of locations which you feel his dad will find acceptable.

And as a PP said if she does turn up and behave unhinged record it every single time. Depending on the severity you report it to the police.

Alternatively you can get someone else that the child knows to do the handovers for you though unless it is at a neutral location your MIL may still turn up and behave in such a manner that person won't want to continue.

And yes you can put these in a CAO.

For now I have told ex he can do drop offs etc at my house as thats where I am most comfortable. Ex MIL is scared of my rottweiler and ex wont let her come anyhow so it seems like the best solution overall.

She's been blocked from contacting me so no way she can send me messages/call etc for the time being.

I called the police on her before as she stood in front of my car and refused to move. As soon as they came she started the waterworks and said I assaulted her as I tried pushing her away.

I plan to get some dash cams also for the car very soon.

She's been blocked from contacting me so no way she can send me messages/call etc for the time being.

Keep her blocked permanently. You need to minimise the drama around your son and you don't need to have a relationship with her.

Also tell your son the next time he asks to call her that as you and his grandmother don't get on he will have to talk to her when he is at his dads.

Obviously once he gets his own phone then you are going to have to let them talk, but make sure you maintain a decent relationship with your ex so you can both check his phone to protect him.

said I assaulted her as I tried pushing her away.

You now know how to deal with her if you ever meet her in public.

Don't attempt to push her away from you instead you go backwards away from her while filming her. If she follows you ask her very loudly why she is following you as you don't want anything to do with her.

I plan to get some dash cams also for the car very soon.

You should have had one yesterday in case someone drove into your car.