Totally guttered

[Madamcrochet]

Bit of a long one so apologies in advance. I am so guttered by the actions of my BIL, 21 yrs old. He is the only relative of my husband and we have taken an active part of his life since his father passed away. We are very close to him and I care for him like he is my own sibling.

Onto the problem. We had a very finically rough year last year due to many unexpected big bills and in September we realised that we were not able to afford Christmas presents so I stupidly decided to make BIL a present.

I do a lot of crochet. For the last year, I’ve been buying a very special wool which is really expensive, so I’ve been buying it in dribs and drabs. I decided to make BIL a blanket with this wool which I was saving for just the right project. I spent a lot of time on the blanket, researching patterns and learning a whole lot of new techniques etc and I even took 2 days annual leave to finish the blanket before Christmas.

Come Christmas Day I explained to BIL the reason for the blanket and told him that if he didn’t like it, it was ok he could just give it back and that would fine as I understand crochet blankets are not for everyone. BIL said he loved the blanket so I thought all was good.

On the weekend a good friend came to see me and showed me a short video where my BIL and his mates are kicking and stomping on the blanket outside on the grass and spitting on it! There was a lot of laughing and cheering every time someone spat on the blanket. Towards the end of the recording someone is trying to set the blanket on fire with a lighter. To say I was guttered is an understatement! I felt physically sick.

DH is furious with BIL and I just don’t know how to deal with this. What do I do? Ignore it? Tell him I know?? Tell him to fuck off?? Ask him to reimburse the cost of the wool??

What do I do?

Ugh sorry. I didn't mean to post that. Was using two devices and was reporting another thread. Apologies OP

You've been involved in his life a long time. He's acting like a child. In which case treat him like one - if he was 13 what would you do? Youd sit him down and explain the adult reasoning behind why his actions were wrong and hurtful and the consequences of them. And then when he inevitably has a temper tantrum you let him go and don't try to contact him until he's calmed down.
This is a really hard thing to do but I know if I tried to get over it by myself I'd end up exploding at the ungrateful little shit.
(As an aside - it's freezing, presumably he doesn't pay for his own heating otherwise he'd be grateful for a TV shawl or extra bedcover!)

I think a blanket is not something a 21 year old man would want. Is it rather ‘grannyish’? I can also imaging a group of young men getting caught up in a sort of ‘kill the blanket’ ritual. Would have been better if he said it wasn’t his thing but maybe he felt he should accept.
However, it was very rude behaviour, and whoever sent you
the video is no friend.

further to my post ie he was drunk, thoughtless and now probably mortified and definitely tell him how hurt you are…. i do think your choice of gift was rather peculiar

I’m so sorry that happened, it must be really upsetting to see a gift you had put so much effort into treated that way.

it sounds like you have a pseudo parent relationship with him, and at 21 years old he is still a young person with a lot of conflicting ideas and emotions about what it means to be an adult, independent, etc. I can imagine that it might have felt a bit infantilising to be given a crocheted blanket for Christmas. It’s a present you would normally give to a baby. I wonder how it feels for a 21 year old man to be treated like a baby by his brother’s wife. Was this really a present you thought he would like? How did you imagine it would fit into his home/ life? What was it meant to represent? I am gently wondering if the blanket was more of an expression of your feelings than it was a true gift for your BIL.

I’m not excusing his behaviour at all but this might be a sign that it is time to change the dynamic of your relationship into a more adult one.

It isn't about his appreciation of the blanket. It's about the horrible way he acted.

My brother would take it out it safe and probably appreciate it a little later but he wouldn't be cruel.

Yes do this😁

Ask him to reimburse the cost of the wool??.

you can’t possibly be serious Op

Why not?

Not the point. He’s 21 YEARS not months old.

He has behaves utterly thoughtlessly

he’s 21 and was drunk

tell him your hurt Op and i suspect he will be mortified

but to demand the cost of the wool back for a gift that he never even asked for is just about the oddest response i can imagine

That is absolutely awful.
I crochet too, so i know what you invested in making it. And I am also very precious about my 'good' wool, so I know how much this must be hurting.
He was stupid and thoughtless, and actually very mean.
I think you should talk it through with him over a cup of tea and explain that you saw the video and what you think of his behaviour. You gave him the opportunity to return it, he could have just stuck it in a cupboard, to do that with his mates was actively trying to denigrate you and your gift for the amusement of his freinds.

If he has any sense he will offer to replace the wool, and apologise profusely. And then you can evaluate how you want your relationship with him to be.

I feel for you. On the wool front, if money is tight, try your local second hand shop, i sometimes get lucky with unused balls, and you can always harvest wool from blankets, jumpers too.

My mum had often asked me if I wanted something handmaid like this and I always say no thanks. So she doesn't (she had made me gloves and scarves with agreed wool)

Just don't give him a present again. Threatening not to give him another knitted blanket would probably be what he wants to be fair.

Would it be better if he had sold his gift or otherwise given it away?

You can’t ask for the cost of a gift back- a gift is freely given. He’s been an idiot. I think be upfront with him, none of this passive aggressive bollocks and say you e seen the video. Can he give you the blanket back if he doesn’t want it. Leave it at that. It’s possible being drunk they’ve all been stupid attacking it.

Maybe next year get him a jigsaw or a cream tea experience.

Can ppl stop commenting on it being a weird gift? OP told him she’d swap it if he didn’t want it. Simple.

And how is the person who showed the video to the OP not a friend? Clearly she needed to see it.

OP - if this post is genuine, and I have reservations - I’d get your DH to forward video to BIL saying you’ve seen it and you’d both like to understand as you are very hurt. Reaction will determine whether you back away.

It’s really, really not typical drunk 21 year old behaviour. It’s bonkers.

It's weird to decide to make a present because you had a financially 'very rough year' but then buy 'very expensive yarn. Why didn't you just spend the money on a normal gift?

Some of these replies are bonkers!

My son is 25 and his aunt crocheted him.a blanket a couple of years ago. He loves it and appreciates the time and effort that went into making it.

I know no one has excused ot as such but saying things like 'what 21 year old man would want a blanket?' is just a continuation of justifying shitty behaviour by men.

Men get cold too. They have beds. They also have voices and the OP said that, if he didn't like it, she'd take it back. This was just a jumped up little pricl who couldn't cope with the fact that someone had done something nice for him and so destroyed it. Not uncommon behaviour.

Why? Because a blanket is 'girly' and those are other 'girly' gifts?

Heaven forbid we treat men like human beings and expect them to respond in kind!

FFS.

I never make anything for anyone who I know isn't knit-worthy and unfortunately the only people who appreciate the time, cost and effort of a hand knitted or crocheted item are the people who do it themselves.

I think the OP misjudged the crochet worthiness of her young BIL and like another poster, I assume that one of his friends caught sight of it, took the piss and pack mentality followed.

I have three adult sons but I only make items for them if requested so that means only one son asks for an occasional pair of replacement warm socks. Anything else I make would be stuffed into a drawer never to see the light of day so it's just a waste of my time, money and emotional energy.

I would be gutted over the blanket too, but I would also be explaining to the BIL that I won't be making anything again for him (not that I think he will care deep down) and I would stick to it.

IF this really happened, don't say anything. It's really strange to give a 21 year old man a crochet blanket. You could have saved the money you spent on the yarn and bought something else.

Also, he's a bit thick by posting it on SM. He's immature and really hated your blanket. At least he was polite enough to pretend he loved it.

For those who suggested that I should have used the money I spent on the wool to purchase a present instead, I actually purchased the wool a couple of balls at the time over the year. I had no particular plans for the wool other than I really liked it. So when I realised we couldn’t afford a Christmas present I decided to use the wool for the blanket as I already had it. It was a wool/alpaca mix, so very warm.

I don’t have a copy of the video and nor do I want one. My good friend who showed me the video is a sister of the kid who took the recording.

So much strange behaviour though. It's a really odd present, it was really odd behaviour from him and his friends and it was really odd that your 'friend' showed you the video. Why would they do that? Did they want to hurt your feelings.

I'm the last person in the world who should point out spelling mistakes but it's generally gutted not guttered. Guttered can mean very drunk and is becoming more popular as an alternative slang spelling to gutted (But I suspect you know that 😉)

I wouldn’t do any of the passive aggressive nonsense above. Just a simple-I saw the video of you and your friends trashing your Christmas gift. If you didn’t want it, I’d have appreciated it just being returned to me. You really hurt me with your behaviour.