To hate my DP when he's sick

[pointersp]

I'll give you the story - it's a similar story every time.

I got really ill (flu symptoms) - pain, stupidly high temperature, horrendous cough, earache... when I was up in the night with the horrendous fever, all I got was a snappy comment.

The next day I get up and I just get on with the kids and sorting the house (despite still being ill and needing painkillers to keep functioning and keep temperature down). He was out most of the day with work/seeing friends. I feel as though it's never realised how ill I am when I'm struggling.

Fast forward to 3am this morning, guess who's ill- and he makes sure everyone knows about it. The noises and retching and moaning... he managed to wake me up (who was still suffering so bad with a temperature) plus ill DC. No listening when he's told to be quiet - I've never seen anyone handle being sick so badly (every time).

Get up at 7am only to find he's vomited down himself and left the clothes out in the middle of the floor. Can't be woken to move them himself (I'm emetophobic too).

I just feel like it's so frustrating. There's a running joke that he 'steals my thunder' when I'm ill but I don't even find it funny when it comes down to it, just infuriating. So now I'm functioning off barely any sleep while still being really ill, got to get up and sort DC (who both got barely any sleep too) and try and psych myself up to move his vomit clothes as I'm sure he won't be up until post-lunchtime now.

If you can’t wake him up he needs an ambulance or do you mean he is unwilling to wake up?

@Iwishiwasasilentnight unwilling

Reading stuff like this enough to make me feel relived I never married 😬

Wtf how does a grown man vomit down himself then think it's ok to leave it on the floor?

Gloves on and bag it and he can rinse it and deal with it when he gets up.

This is awful @pointersp. It is unbelievable how many men do this - they provide no support to you (and don’t seem to even care) and then expect everyone to drop everything and pander to them if they’ve got the mildest sniffle.

Is he like that in other ways? Does it feel like you do the bulk of everything and he does the minimum (or less)?

Practically today, grab a bin bag and pick up his dirty clothes inside it. Then put it outside. And act like it’s a normal day - ask him why he’s not up, etc. Treat him as he treats you.

That’s vile and not normal OP, not to that extreme. I would be beyond livid and I don’t think I’d be able to find anything about him appealing or attractive after witnessing that especially with how he treats you when you’re sick.

He's basically not on your team, he's not supportive and he doesn't care about you

Why are you with him?

Wake him up! I would take the vomit clothes and put them on his head.

Ugh so sorry OP, I had one of these too. The dramatic retching used to make me so furious. Yes we know you’re ill ffs! But even he didn’t throw up on himself and leave a mess - that’s appalling. Agree with PP - do the minimum to make it safe and leave it for him.

So many similar tales on here of men who have to be more sick whenever their wife is sick, and who milk it for all it’s worth and won’t lift a finger while she has to struggle on or the kids won’t get looked after. Yet another huge domestic inequality that wears women out.

I’m starting to think it’s a (maybe not conscious) way of punishing women if they dare to not be fully functioning domestic goddesses for a couple of days.

He's obviously an ass... but you are also setting your 'ill' bar too high. If you're in the midst of feeling awful with temperatures then, yes, as a mother we carry on if we can, but you cancel then play dates and take it easy at home.

But that is not so say that YANBU about your DHs behaviour

PS I’m single now and it’s great. And my ex is less selfish than he used to be - maybe since the reality of running a home on his own woke him up to what my life was like and why I nagged him to pull his weight.

Why are you putting up with this?? Wake him up, tell him to sort his vomit coveted clothes out! Nothing will change unless you show you're not a doormat.

To be fair to DP, he's usually good with pulling his weight day-to-day.

He can just be insensitive when it comes to my sickness (never seems to realise how bad it is), and extremely dramatic and theatrical about his.

Absolutely DO NOT tidy up after this man. Put a bin bag over it (so you don't have to touch it) and leave it for him to sort.
Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Also my DH is the same when ill. So I don't 'get on with it' anymore. I completely tap out and let him deal with it - since that's what he does. If he whinges I remind him of that. And it's good for me to - I'm sure I get better sooner as I properly rest.

Did you vomit when you were ill? It isn’t usually a flu symptom. I wouldn’t touch the clothes in case he has something different. You don’t want a tummy bug on top of flu.

He does tend to vomit when he spikes a fever but definitely being cautious.

I find posts like this hard because this isn't what a loving partner would do. You've complained about him and when people have agreed he's an arse backtracked that he does his fair share normally. If all you wanted was to moan without any constructive advice you should have said so or written a diary instead. I do appreciate it may come across as harsh but you sound like you've got your head buried in the sand. I'm not saying it's ltb territory ( we each have our own standards) but I definitely wouldn't be having more kids with him. Ultimately he's selfish and puts his own needs before yours, I wouldn't put up with this long term but you already have.

You can address it now and have to listen to his woe is me or wait till he is better and be clear that he does this every time and you won't put up with it any longer. That he's a selfish arse who doesn't care for you or the kids when you are ill and why is his illness always worse? He doesn't respect you and a relationship without respect isn't a worthy one in my opinion.

I was ill for 2 weeks in the lead up to Xmas. On the days I couldn't get out of bed my dh did everything including making sure I had painkillers on time and dealt with the kids, cooked and cleaned. I'd do the same for him in a heartbeat becsuse we are a team. Can you really say the man you call a 'dh' really has your back?

I have got to agree with this. Venting is fine but it’s limited. At best it makes you feel better and at worst it builds resentment because the advice and feedback is based on projected experience.

like a pp said you need to prioritise your health in much the same way as he does or most normal people do. Dont get out of bed if you aren’t well enough, dont try to do what you would normally do and ask/tell/demand those around you to help. Respiratory and viral illnesses impact people differently. No one knows how well you are.

I also don’t know why you resent people’s sick noises. I mean who can control coughing and sneezing and retching.

If you have a problem talk to him and tell him what you feel like and tell him you need support. This should be an easy thing to get on the same page about.

LTB