When I was 15 (I'm now 35) I got my first boyfriend. He was 18 and it was intense from the start. When I was 16 he convinced me not to go to sixth form and to move in with him. I did and everything you could imagine could go wrong did- I was barely able to look after myself let alone keep a flat nicely and be a grown up.
I did get a very good admin job in the city so I had money but the relationship was controlling and he spent just over a year emotionally abusing me, cheating and became physically violent culminating in him being arrested for kicking me down the stairs when I was 17 and a half. I moved back in with my parents although our relationship had been damaged by the last year.
I met my now DH not long after - on my 18th birthday!- and although I was still too young and it moved too fast we have a lovely relationship and have been together for 17 years with 2DC. On the outside we have it all - lovely home, solid marriage, 2 lovely kids, good jobs but I am really struggling with anxiety at the moment.
DD1 is almost 16 and I think it's triggered some feelings of guilt (of what I put my parents through), regret (that I lost my teen years) and shame (very few people know about my past- one benefit of him having alienated me from my friends. DH is aware I had a 'bad boyfriend' before him but doesn't know any details- he's never asked, I've never offered them). I also feel anger. I look at my DD and can't believe that when I was her age - a child - no one stopped what was happening.
I am thinking about paying for private counselling/therapy but it's £££ and I'm not sure it can help. After all, I can't change the past. AIBU in thinking it can't do any harm but might also not do any good?