Sensitive family information- push for details?

[dartingrabbit]

Hi everyone,

Awful time in my family- my father has been given a few weeks to live so we are doing all we can to make him comfortable. He's been talking about what he wants to happen after he's gone, and he's mentioned some of his ashes being scattered at a place near a favourite seaside spot, then added 'where 'name' is buried'.

This name has followed me through my life like a big secret. My parents are very closed and don't like to talk about things, so I've never felt able to ask. From what I've gleaned, I believe this name was my twin sister who died not long after we were born.

It's the first time I've heard the name or any mention of a grave from either of my parents. Now dad is on his deathbed, should I push for more information? Or is it cruel?

I would not ask my mum even after dad goes. She dislikes me a lot, and I suspect it's something to do with my twin following a comment she made when I was a teenager.

What would you do?

If he's talking to you directly about his wishes, when he mentions being buried with <name> I think it's fine to ask who are they/where are they, so you can carry out his wishes.

You will regret not asking I think

Would the birth of your twin have been registered? Not sure how soon after birth they died, would there have been a death certificate? You know the time and place of birth and you have a potential name, could you try and track these down yourself if family members are not forthcoming.

Regarding asking for more info, could you ask a simple question? Say "sure dad, we will scatter your ashes with X. But who were they? I have heard you mention their name over the years, but I never understood how we are related to them?"

I'm sorry OP, this must be such a difficult time for you.

You could do it gently / indirectly - get him to open up rather than firing questions at him.

"Can you show me the spot where <name> is on a map, so I know to get it right?"

"Are there any words you'd like me to say for you or <name> when we go?"

"Did you visit that spot very often? Have you got any photos?"

"Is there anything else I should know or you'd like me to do for you or <name>?"

I would ask. He is possibly waiting for you to ask.

I would ask. I like the careful questions other posters have suggested....but I would absolutely ask. Once he is dead, you will never be able to ask.

Is there any other relatives you can ask - aunts etc? Hugs, sounds very hard

Thank you for the suggestions so far. I've looked her up and the only thing I can find so far is her name on a recorded death list, which gives our date of birth, the place we were born and she's in a list for deaths recorded in a three month period, starting four months after we were born. That's all I can find out.

The way he's talking about her, it sounds like he expects me to know who she is.

I would ask , he maybe glad to talk about them especially if your mother isn’t willing to talk about them with him .

I would ask.
Hopefully it will open up a conversation.
Maybe you could ask how you could respect and honour their memory - it may give him comfort.
So sorry you are all going through this.

Maybe your mum said something up him that gave him impression that she explained you everything. Maybe they decided not to tell you when you were small but now your dad genuinely forgot about this decision. I found that over time my parents remembered things very differently from me.
I would ask him, you literally have his permission to talk about ‘name’ hence he mentioned her first.

Sorry about your Dad illness.

I'm so sorry your dad is dying and so sorry, too, that you and your family lost your twin sister when she was so young. It must have been devastating for them. I would definitely speak to your dad about it - it seems it's been preying on his mind and after all, you will want to carry out his wishes.

Your dad has brought up your twin so I would ask more about her - but would stop if they weren't forthcoming

I'd also order her death certificate to find out more (as you now know the general area where she was buried with a date you could contact local cemetery and likely find her grave if you wanted to)

My grandmother had a brother who died as a baby, he was mentioned at each of her and her siblings funerals (that they were one of five), my uncles mentioned that even though they also knew of him noone knew how he died, so I ordered his death certificate - he died of jaundice at 6 weeks old

Ask him. He might want to unburden himself

I'm so sorry you're going through this x

Do you have any (other siblings) aunts/uncles/cousins etc??

I Would ask him to tell me more about 'name'.

shes probably your twin & this is probably the last chance you have, ever, to find out about her. It's your right to know, especially a twin.

your Father has asked to scatter some of his ashes there, he's opened the dialogue.

& frankly if you feel your mother hates you anyway, I'd ask her too. Not now, but in the near future.

You could say ' dad, tell me about 'Name'.

You can also purchase a copy of a birth ( and possibly a death) certificate from the local authority if you know the names/ dates.

I’m sorry you’re about to lose your Dad. Just ask him if he would like to talk to you about your twin.

You can order a birth and death certificate via gro.gov.uk. This will obviously give you a little more information. Is your Mum aware of his wishes?

So sorry to you are going through this with your dad, it so difficult. I lost my dad 4 years ago.

I think you need to get some clarity around the situation and maybe your dad is trying to tell you. Certainly when my dad was at the final stages we had a lot of half conversations about different things. He talked about his sister who passed away in teens almost as if I knew her.

Like others have said you should be able to get a birth/death certificate.
If your sister was alive at the time of birth then your birth certificate and hers would have a time.
Only multiples have a time recorded on a birth certificate, singletons don’t. This might be your first clue.

Good Luck. Sending you huge amounts of strength for the coming weeks and days.

Is it on your birth certificate? Here your birth certificate shows if you were a twin and if you were born first or second.

It must have been incredibly difficult growing up with a mother who you suspect dislikes you, and with this family secret which was never spoken of. That would destroy some people. It might really help you to speak to a psychotherapist about your mother, your father, your sister and your childhood. It’s a lot to come to terms with. Wishing you all the best, OP.

I'm so sorry OP, this all sounds so sad. It sounds like you have most of the info and as PP have said ask your dad (or maybe grandparents) if you get a chance. I'm sure your mother doesn't dislike you, I'm sure it's more to do with her grief and perhaps fear of losing you too. Wishing you well

@Lastandfirst all birth certificates have a time on them

I believe they do in Scotland - not in England and Wales, in general, unless there is a multiple birth

I'm not sure if you're saying whether you know if you had a twin, or not, but if you look up your own birth record at www.freebmd.org.uk, your twin will be listed as having the same District, Volume and Page No, along with their name.

As a PP mentioned, you can order birth and death certificates giving that information from the GRO