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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult ds and step dad not getting on

24 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/01/2024 18:52

I feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Ds failed uni and didn’t complete it. Got into a lot of debt which he has almost paid off. He works about 50 hrs a week, often nights.

Dh is at his wits end with him as ds doesn’t help around the house. Plates and rubbish pile up in his room and he only has one household chore a week and he often doesn’t do it. He often doesn’t follow up with things he says he will do.

I can see why dh is unhappy but the tension is awful in the house and I think we all need a talk this week as dh is getting more and more angry about it.

He also doesn’t like how I always defend ds.
I just want a peaceful life! I know ds should help more but I’m also aware he’s spending most of his time at work. I can’t see him changing and told dh that him losing his temper doesn’t get anyone anywhere either. Aibu to defend ds? He’s in his 20’s

OP posts:
ArnieLinson · 14/01/2024 18:56

He is in his 20’s. If you are unhappy he will refuse to tidy up after himself, tell him he will need to move out. When he lives alone he will have to work and look after a house, so working isnt an excuse.

19lottie82 · 14/01/2024 18:57

Your son should at the very minimum tidy up after himself? Does he pay rent? I’m guessing not.

I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable…… an adult is living under his roof for free and doesn’t even clean up after himself.

if your son moved in with a partner, would they put up with the same behaviour? I doubt it.

you say you “want an easy life”, but you’re not teaching your son how to be a responsible adult. You’re not doing him any favours.

PrimalOwl10 · 14/01/2024 19:01

Hes not incapable of taking up and helping around the house once a week. If he were one of mine he would be told to buck up or he needs find his own housing.

Octavia64 · 14/01/2024 19:04

If he is working 50 hours a week and has nearly paid off his debt maybe it's worth having a conversation about when he will be in a position to move out.

If your DH has a move out date or even a plan for your DS to move out he might be better able to tolerate it?

The other option is to assign him chores that only impact him. So his jobs are clean his room do his washing, etc

Createausername1970 · 14/01/2024 19:11

I can totally see you DH's point of view. However, DS is working very long hours and often nights, so I can see that DS might be tired and less organised than you might like.

I assume he is working to pay off his debts, and this should be recognised. Many wouldn't.

My suggestion is a serious conversation with you son on his own. Recognise that he is working hard, often unsocial hours etc. Be very honest about how unacceptable his untidiness is and ask him for his suggestions for how this can be resolved. Remind him that he is an adult and you shouldn't have to be treating him like a man-child and clearing up his mess.

Zombiemum1946 · 14/01/2024 19:11

Your Ds is an adult capable of tidyng his room and doing chores.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/01/2024 19:13

YABU. He’s an adult and should be doing chores etc like everyone in the household. I hope he also pays rent. I don’t blame your DH for being pissed off! Stop being so passive and tell your son to shape up or it's time he moved out.

KnowledgeableMomma · 14/01/2024 19:15

I'm with DH on this. Kudos to DS for working to pay off his debt. But it is not an excuse to not be a basic human being and pick things up and complete 1 freaking chore. Time to sit down and have a grownup talk with him about either sticking with the agreement on what to do to continue living with you or a plan to find his own place.

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 14/01/2024 19:36

I forgot to mention ds pays quite a lot to contribute towards the household every month and does do his own washing

OP posts:
MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 14/01/2024 19:39

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/01/2024 19:36

I forgot to mention ds pays quite a lot to contribute towards the household every month and does do his own washing

But that's the minimum a working adult should be doing in their home? What are you seeing a 'a lot'?

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 14/01/2024 19:44

A few hundred. More if needed. I realise I’m coming across as defending ds again but I just don’t want people to think he’s a freeloader

OP posts:
Rudolphtherednoseddog · 14/01/2024 19:44

Working 50 hours a week, even nights, doesn’t stop him from being able to bring plates and rubbish downstairs from his room. You’re doing him (and anyone who ever has to live with him) no favours making excuses for a grown man being seemingly incapable slob.

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 14/01/2024 19:47

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/01/2024 19:36

I forgot to mention ds pays quite a lot to contribute towards the household every month and does do his own washing

So he should be. Welcome to being an adult DS. Bills and chores and work are just a non negotiable part of life for almost everyone, him included.

Maray1967 · 14/01/2024 19:48

I understand that he’s working more than most and he pays board, but he must bring down his plates, glasses etc. He needs to be in a routine - bring them down every morning and put in dishwasher or sink. Rubbish as well if it’s food related.

That’s not too much to expect.

Beezknees · 14/01/2024 19:48

He does need to tidy up. I'm a lone parent working full time and I have to clean my own house, working doesn't excuse laziness at home.

BlingBlingTing · 14/01/2024 19:51

DS needs to pay for a cleaner 3 hours a week or pull his weight

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 14/01/2024 19:56

Actually that’s such a good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 14/01/2024 19:57

Thank you everyone, I will make sure we have a serious talk. I can see dh’s point. Is it best we all talk together or just me and ds?

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 14/01/2024 20:00

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/01/2024 19:44

A few hundred. More if needed. I realise I’m coming across as defending ds again but I just don’t want people to think he’s a freeloader

I understand where your husbands coming from and your whole post feels like your defending your son and so do your comments. Your son is an adult and needs to learn to pick up after himself. If he pays a few hundred a month that’s more than likely for food and bills. That money I’m presuming is not for cleaning costs. Regardless of whether he works days or nights part of being an adult is tidying up so he should be tidying as he makes mess or before he starts work or once’s he’s finished.

Nonomono · 14/01/2024 20:27

Is he 21 or 29?
Theres a big difference between the 2.

He sounds like a good boy and he is working a lot, so DH needs to cut him some slack.

But he is an adult and his slobbish ways shouldn’t affect anyone else.

There needs to be a compromise.
He can keep his room as messy as he wants, but he needs to bring his dishes down.

I would chat to him by himself and make him see that he’s an adult now and needs to start acting like one, which includes cleaning up after himself.

After a couple of weeks then all 3 of you can have a chat together.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2024 20:32

Of course you're unreasonable for defending your son. He has zero excuses to be so disrespectful whilst living in your home, and it's really awful how you have allowed this nonsense to continue knowing how unhappy your husband is about it all. If I were your husband, I would be seriously reevaluating my marriage.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2024 20:35

There needs to be a compromise.
He can keep his room as messy as he wants, but he needs to bring his dishes down.

Why should the op and her husband compromise on the cleanliness of their home? The son's room sounds utterly disgusting and there is nothing wrong with demanding that certain standards are upheld within your house.

Nonomono · 14/01/2024 20:47

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2024 20:35

There needs to be a compromise.
He can keep his room as messy as he wants, but he needs to bring his dishes down.

Why should the op and her husband compromise on the cleanliness of their home? The son's room sounds utterly disgusting and there is nothing wrong with demanding that certain standards are upheld within your house.

It’s DS’s home too and he pays his way.

He can choose what standards he has in his own room as long as it doesn’t impact anyone else, just like OP and her DH can too.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2024 20:53

Nonomono · 14/01/2024 20:47

It’s DS’s home too and he pays his way.

He can choose what standards he has in his own room as long as it doesn’t impact anyone else, just like OP and her DH can too.

Show quote history

It is not "his" home. The home belongs to the op and her husband. They are generous enough to allow their adult child to live there, and while he does, regardless if he pays rent, he still needs to abide by their rules concerning the state of the home and what is or is not allowed. If the son doesn't like those rules, he is more than welcome to live somewhere else.

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