Trigger warning - suicide threat post

[urghnobetter]

I'm so sorry if this upsets anyone xxx
Is

My ex husband lost his dad to suicide. My ex was 30 at the time. He had a troubled childhood. He grew to be a very angry teenager and as a young adult, constantly getting arrested - lucky to avoid prison. His parents were the cause of his trauma and up bringing. He never stood a chance really.

I met him a few years after his dad passed.

Ex was abusive.

I have learnt in his previous relationship to me, he would threaten to kill himself to his ex girlfriend during hard times or arguments.

They have a child together. He once text her while he was with me telling her to kill herself as it would make his life better. I saw proof of this.

A couple of years ago, my mental health took a bad turn and I myself felt scared I may harm myself. When I confided in him that I felt this way, he told me i had annoyed him. He couldn't be doing with it and he wasn't the right person to speak too. I left him and got help.

He then apologised however he blamed his dad's death on his reaction - he is a victim of suicide and didn't know how to deal with a loved one feeling suicidal themselves. He constantly referred to himself as a 'victim of suicide'.

He then went on to claim he was having a mental breakdown and told me he had taken tablets etc. I got him help and put him in therapy.

This was 2 years ago. I never went back to him.

Fast forward to 4 months ago, the last time I saw my ex husband, he told me to my face that I would never see him again and I would have his death on my hands.

I was massively traumatised. I still am. Suffering with PTSD.

My point is, I have never ever felt that his dad's death should be an excuse of his behaviour. He either blamed everything on his dad's suicide or anxiety.

He did have therapy but it never lasted - it was only because I begged him to go.

No, he sounds like a nasty piece of work using whatever mental manipulation he can to mentally harm and wrangle his way out of bad behaviour. Good on you for escaping. Run and never look back

It’s obvious he’s like this due to awful upbringing …. But you’re spot on, it’s no excuse and definitely not your problem. He can only bring you down

keep running

where possible, if anything have positive and calm presence next to you, it does wonders for mental stability x

It's not an excuse but it appears to be a complicated part of the reason.

I lost my dad to suicide a few years ago, I was a similar age to your ex husband. Yes it's incredibly traumatising and I will never be the same person I was before his death, but absolutely no way do I go about life behaving the way your ex husband does and blame it on my dad's suicide. Your ex husband sounds incredibly troubled and also an arsehole! He needs therapy and to move on with his life. I wouldn't engage with him any further and I would ignore any threats he makes to take his life (apart from perhaps calling an ambulance if you actually think he's in the process of enacting a plan).

This is only some of what I know. I do know he has taken tablets before whilst with his ex girlfriend and ended up in hospital.

When I told him about my failing mental health, I rang him when he was at work. I knew I couldn't tell him face to face as he would just shout at me - he had done before whenever I was feeling low. He's self employed and we would speak on the phone all the time. However ringing to tell him I wasn't feeling great mentally really annoyed him. He claimed he would have reacted better if I didn't ring him at work. If I had waited until he came home.

This came weeks after him accusing me of having an affair which I wasn't having. He promised he would try harder with our marriage but he got worse and I ended up really suffering.

I'm so sorry xx

Thank you for sharing your experience.

His dad tried to commit suicide and was found by the police a couple of weeks before he actually did it. My ex text his dad after his failed attempt and shouted at him for being 'stubborn'. No idea why however he wasn't sympathetic with the failed attempt.

He has had therapy for his dad's suicide and ex said he no longer blames himself - but I don't think he ever really did.

I don't speak to my ex anymore. I'm just struggling massively. I did call the police when he told me I would have his death on my hands. They did a welfare check on him and he was absolutely fine - think he had gone straight to work.

I was always so sympathetic towards him. Was always there and spent my life trying to understand him.

His mum now just enables him. She refuses to accept she is the reason for any of it and tip toes around him like everyone else does being careful not to upset him.

Do you have children with him? Is it essential that you have contact with him? If not just block him.
He's not your problem

I once had an ex phone me and threaten suicide. I knew he was bluffing and I said “ok, I will call an ambulance then” and hung up. He called back straight away panicking saying he made it all up.
Its emotional blackmail of the highest order!

He sounds very manipulative. He isn’t your problem. You need to concentrate on your own mental health. You need to block him from your life and look after yourself.

We have a child together which I have limited the contact with. He gets 1 day every other weekend. This has made him extremely angry but I'm just trying to protect my child.

We don't speak at all now however. I haven't seen him in months - I get a 3rd party to do the handover for our child - this also makes him angry.

I think I am just left processing now he is finally out of my life. I lived in fight or flight mode for so long. But now he's gone and it's all just hitting me like a ton of bricks

However ringing to tell him I wasn't feeling great mentally really annoyed him. He claimed he would have reacted better if I didn't ring him at work. If I had waited until he came home.

Did you tell him you weren't feeling great mentally or did you threaten to harm yourself?

Sorry it's not clear if it was the same conversation.

@KissMyArt I told him I wasn't well mentally. I told him I had some voices in my head that were telling me to harm my self but I assured him I wasn't going to do anything. I was telling him I needed help. I never threatened to do anything.

I was actually sat in my car at the end of my mums street. I knew how he would react so I just went straight to her house. Phoned the gp who saw me straight away and put me on tablets.

My mum got me straight into therapy and a few days later I had my first appointment. My therapist told me I was in an abusive marriage and my husband was a narcissist after my first session.

There was a time during Covid when I fled to my mums house because of him. My mum text him and asked him not to contact me for a few days because I was feeling very low. He ignored that and sent me a nasty message anyway. He could never ever be there for me.

Ahh that makes more sense OP.

Can I ask if it was private therapy and can you afford to continue with it to keep you strong?

You've come so far, don't let the memories of what happened hold you back

Yes I'm having more therapy at the moment. It helps. It's just hard. He was my person. Not a good person but my person anyway.

He moved on straight away (we're talking days) and is happy in his new relationship meanwhile I just feel like a broken mess trying to keep me and our child going.

After reading all your posts, OP, I really think your Ex is still abusing you. The marriage is over but he still wants you to dance to his tune. I’m afraid that threatening suicide can be a recognised means of emotional manipulation.
I think you need to block him and make any communication about your DC via a third party.

Thank you. We rarely speak now. I've filed for divorce and I'm waiting on him to do whatever he needs to. I've done this through a solicitor so he needs to contact my solicitor rather than me - again he hates this.

He stopped paying maintenance so I'm waiting on cms to sort that. He's had the letter from them but as I understand, he hasn't contacted them yet. He hasn't paid me anything for almost 2 months.

He really is very angry at me and I have absolutely no idea why. Well I do...it's because he's lost control over me. He is playing the victim to everyone he knows. He has some people on his side and some people can see right through him.

I only have my mum to use as a 3rd party. Social services were involved and I am speaking to my local domestic abuse service. If my mum isn't available on the one day he has our child, then I don't know what I would do. The thought of seeing him again scares me - especially as I know he is angry at me still.

It's all just such a mess. I've been made aware his new girlfriend has blocked me on social media. No idea why as I don't even speak to my ex husband.

I'm still just so confused by everything....so yes I suppose you are right. He is still abusing me with the silent treatment and no maintenance.

He would always give me the silent treatment over the smallest of things.