to question if this is a normal response ??

[NARCBreakingtheCycle]

NC. Long time user.

So ex and I split years and years ago. He is emotionally inconsistent as a parent and his moods are unstable. DC visit 1-2 nights per week but most weeks one or both will say they don't want to go.

FF to tonight - it was DC's (17) birthday yesterday and he rang them direct to say HBD but DC was busy didn't speak to him and admittedly didn't call him back.

He's stewed on it and literally 30 minutes after drop off, DC has called in absolute bits because he's teared them a new one. Full on sobs.

Things like : 'call your mum to come get you', 'you don't have to be here if you don't want to'. And lots of unhinged shit like that. Basically wrecked DC's birthday weekend and another opp. wasted to have a nice time together.

I'm pretty sure he's a narc. And he's totally and utterly intimidating. He did it to me for years. Surely as he approaches a half century, he'd commit to being a better person?? Yeah I get it he was probably hurt that DC didn't call but I think the lack of communication is symptomatic of his behaviour / attitude - proper old school -
'You will respect me'. DC is a good kid (not just saying that) and is academically bright, popular and has made some mature decisions when faced with common teenager dilemmas.
He should be proud.

AIBU in thinking that he could have handled it differently or is there some justification because DC didn't ring him? How can I break this cycle?
I know my inability to handle this is affecting both DC but I don't know what to do.

At 17 they need to find their own dynamic so I'm not sure you can handle it, as such. If that dynamic is that they no more weekends at dad's then so be it.

I'd say DC have no need to see him unless they want to for the foreseeable future. You need to explain to DC how his inadequacy causes him to try to tear others down to make himself feel better, but that it will never work.

Tell him you will not be forcing DC to see him again unless they choose and that you think he has behaved in an absolutely disgusting way.

It’s very, very difficult when your child has a really poor relationship with their other parent. Especially when it’s so obvious that the parents own actions have been the biggest factor in causing the poor relationship.

I don’t have the answers OP. My DC is a younger teen than yours, and going to counselling. One of reasons I wanted DC to go was that when a kid has a difficult parent it doesn’t magically get better once you’re an adult. would some sort of therapy be an option for your son.

He should have handled it better but you can't make him be a better person.

At 17 he has the option to be much less available to his dad and personally I would support him in making his own decisions.

From 14 the courts take the views of the child into consideration.

If you are worried about blowback into you consider blocking your ex for a while?

There is no justification for your ex to behave the way he did. You’ve said yourself he’s emotionally unstable and an inconsistent parent. Let your DC stop the weekends there if that is what he wants. I had a parent like this and my life’s been so much easier since we became estranged.

I'd be livid if my kids dad did this, it's massively uncalled for!

At 17 though I'd be telling him ( and his dad) that contact will now be on your DC terms, not his. He doesn't have to see him if he doesn't want to, and he should in no way feel guilty about it! I'll teach my kids from early on that you only need people in your life who enrich it, family or not it doesn't matter. If someone in your life makes you feel sad, attacked or undervalued then cut them out.

Tell your kids they no longer have to see him if they don't want to.

Your DC is 17, so you can't force him to go and stay with his Dad if he doesn't want to.

With regards to what happened, your DC is in the wrong for not calling back, but it was his birthday and obviously it got overlooked and a rational person would have not have reacted that way.

Going forward I would be telling ex that he handled that badly and remind him that DS is 17 not 7, so ex needs to move towards a more adult relationship with DC, as this time next year he will be 18 and under no obligation to visit if he chooses not to.

Your ds doesn’t need to see him and frankly with that sort of disgusting behaviour I’d be actively encouraging him to distance himself. 17 year olds can be thoughtless. That is no excuse for a grown man to upset his ds like that on his birthday weekend. He doesn’t deserve them.