To think my dh should do more

[Mrspimplepopper]

Huge argument with dh over what's for tea tonight.

For context I finished nights this morning, slept for 4 hours and was showeted/dressed downstairs by 1pm so not to miss out on a bit of Sunday with dh and 2 dc.

Dh had been to supermarket this morning for fruit and bread milk... Not a full shop. At 14:00 I went out with dc to run a few errands while dh was dozing on the sofa. Home at 4pm..dh sat watching tv/dozing still. House is a tip, kitchen needs dishwasher loading, laundry load to put on and kids asking what's for tea. I lost my temper at dh who remained sat on his ass.

Dh shouting at me that I shouldn't work nights if I'm too tired to make tea, see to laundry etc and generally not able to 'be a adult'. I suggested getting takeout for tea because I'm tired and now he's in a huff that I'm not making something

I always end up backing down and apologising if we disagree but I'm pretty fed up tbh

Who's right?

What a lazy arse- sorry OP- he's perfectly capable of doing his bit- why is it 'your' job??

And why exactly is it your job to 'be an adult'. If he spent half the day dozing in the sofa then surely he's also too tired to function?
It is it that's he's an asshole and all coming and cleaning is your job?

I assume you work nights as it makes childcare easier?

if you both work full time you should be splitting all chores 50/50.

Sounds like you both need to communicate more about who is doing what, as you both seem to be expecting each other to cook dinner and neither of you had communicated who was going to be doing it.

Before going out on your errands, try asking: "Are you able to cook dinner whilst I am out doing errands this afternoon with the kids?". He will then either say yes (sorted) or no, in which case you reply "OK, I'll sort out a takeaway".

Why is he unable to do these ‘adult’ things? Have you asked? And why do you think you might be in the wrong?

No @RatatouillePie the answer is HE can sort takeaway plus do laundry. Don't fix it for him

I think I might be wrong because I don't trust my judgement and I'm usually the one to back down. Both the dc have sen and I get so bogged down with how stressful home life is that I rely a lot of dh to help me... He listens to me off load my stress about the dc

It's not 'help'. It's his job as a parent. Also is he actually doing any parenting or is his 'help' listening to you talk about your stress but not do anything practical about it?

Does he work shifts too? The first day after a nightshift is a killer for tiredness - so easy tea if you have to cook or in this case he should definitely be stepping up to sort it.

no excuse for him doing nothing and being lazy in the afternoon and wanting mummy to make tea for him 🙄

Lazy fucker he is, right enough

Why is he unable to do these ‘adult’ things?

Fucking this. Why do you have to ‘be an adult’ while he gets to sit on his arse like a teenager. Don’t apologise you’ve done nothing wrong. Fucking knobber.

Why is he asking what is for tea, the household catering he is jointly responsible for - planning, purchasing and preparing

He works from home, office hours mon-thursday

I do the house chores, laundry and cooking. He's hopeless at cooking.. Or so he claims. He does bins, tech stuff. He usually loads the dishwasher after tea each night. I do dc homework, school emails and meetings ( a hell of a lot as both have sen) and hospital/doctors appointments

I'm very unsure of myself, he's a lot older than me and tbh I feel unconfident in my opinions

So he had a full night's sleep and then lots of dozing while you actually worked and then did the housework?

I'd be inclined to do a record of everything you do in a week, noting if it's typical or not (only a handful of appointments or more than normal, that sort of thing).

I'd also note in passing what DH does to reduce your burden (and anything he does to add to it).

I'd also consider how many hours each of you contributes through work - including if that involves unsocial hours, and the commute to/from work.

And after thinking about whatever imbalances there are in that, and throwing some plates at a wall to let off that steam, have a calm conversation with him about how you both need to "adult" and work as a partnership to get everything done and support each other. Especially if you have 2 with extra needs depending on you both.

He may have ideas about him paying for extra help instead of doing things - which is fine if he organised and pays for that.

You rely a lot on your DH to HELP you?!?! He shouldn't just be helping. He should be doing half. It's not your responsibility.

My DH was raised in a house where his mum was a housewife and did everything and he never had to lift a finger. He often expects the same even though I work full time hours in term time. I have to be direct with him. E.g. this evening I said "do you want to bath the kids while I cook dinner? Or you can cook and I'll do baths". That way he sees that 2 things need doing and he has to do one of them!

One day you outgrow your older husband and his arrogance OP. You'll lose the naivety he depends on.

Tell the lazy fucker you've had 4 hours sleep and he needs to step up. If he argues tell him fine, you'll quit your job and he can be the sole breadwinner.

stand up for yourself.