re this last-minute visit?

[TurquoiseHexagonSun]

So yesterday one of DH's friends texted him to ask if he could come to ours next weekend for a visit, for the weekend (lives too far away to just come for the day or evening.) As far as we're aware there's nothing bringing him to the area that particular weekend.

We like having our friends to stay, BUT:

• My life is super busy, work full-time, caring for elderly mother who lives with us and has Alzheimer's which seems to be worsening at present. I'm also in a hobby group that's building up to its biggest event of the year and will require 2 evenings out of the house this week and at least some of my time next weekend. I also have a sleep disorder and resultant chronic fatigue. All of which means I'm not getting much time to do housework, which brings me to:
• DH is annoyingly unrealistic about housework, by which I mean he thinks that so long as the kitchen and toilets are clean it doesn't matter if the rest of the house is dirty/untidy, which a lot of it currently is because I've been busy and he spends most of his spare time lying around reading regardless of what needs doing in the house. (His philosophy isn't that it's 'woman's work' btw, it's that he thinks it doesn't need doing at all and I shouldn't bother either. Another gem is that everyone else lives in mess too, their homes only appear tidy to visitors because they have a mad dash round when people are coming.)
• DH claimed he'd do most of the cleaning/tidying pre the visit, but after 20+ years together I know his MO: tell me to give him a list of what needs doing, do nothing if I don't give him said list ('Well, you didn't give me a list, how was I supposed to know what to do?'). Tidying = shuffling all the objects on a surface into a heap rather than putting them away. Hoovering he'll do, but cleaning/dusting (bar toilets and kitchen surfaces) = 'doesn't need doing, no one notices or cares, especially not men'. (He's 57 btw, not 18 as it may sound.)
• All of the above, plus DH's tendency to unilaterally decide 'it looks fine and doesn't need doing' when I do give him a list, means that when he claims he's going to 'clean/tidy', I always know I'm going to need to go back to it when he's 'finished' and do it properly. Which, given that he leaves everything to the last minute and may refuse to do certain things, is STRESSFUL.

I feel like I'm answering my own question here re whether IABU, but next weekend is hugely inconvenient for me given the above. DH is fine with this, and has suggested late Feb instead - due to various trips and commitments we can't do any sooner - but says his mate seems a bit disappointed he can't come next weekend.

I have a BIG problem with people-pleasing due to a variety of stuff from my past, and his mate lives alone and I think gets lonely, so I'm totally second-guessing myself now as to whether I have been unreasonable. Rationally, I don't feel I have, but my inner critics are talking up a storm in my head right now, so I'm here for perspective (and a head-wobble if necessary!)

YABU: just let him come and let DH make his half-assed attempt at cleaning even though this will result in the house still being a tip next weekend.
YANBU: that's too short notice.

Why would extra notice time make a difference? DH isn’t going to clean to your standards anyway, no matter what the time frame. I always half kill myself cleaning then, after a visit, wonder if I really had to do so much because although DH does his fair share he just doesn’t see what I see.

I would say it’s not great if DM is declining and you don’t want them to come anyway, but I also think that our cleaning standards are hugely different to a lot of men. If the kitchen and bathroom are clean it really isn’t going to matter if your dining room skirting boards need a dust.

I’d tell him, sorry - it doesn’t work for us to have guests at the moment as we already have my mother with us. And I’d leave it at that. People can’t just impose themselves upon you by inviting themselves even if they aren’t wanted guests.

I totally agree.

Who the hell invites themselves for the weekend!

So let me get this straight - someone invites themselves to your house, you say that doesn’t work and suggest a later date, and now you’re worried because they seem a bit disappointed?

The friend is a total CF if this is true.

Why would extra notice time make a difference?

Mainly so I would have time to re-do/complete the things DH had either done half-heartedly, or deemed unnecessary and not done at all. 😂

So far it's not an issue with DM as far as visitors are concerned, it's more the way my caring responsibilities eat into the time and energy I have available for socialising and keeping the house straight. I do agree re men's cleaning standards, though having said that I also think it's always the woman who gets judged when a house isn't shipshape, so a lot of this is being driven by pride, but also I love my home and want people to see it at its best.

Since I started the thread DH has actually solved the problem for me by saying he doesn't want to do loads of housework this week so he'd rather his friend came in Feb too. I am unsurprised.🙄😄

Point the friend to a local Air B&B and tell him you’ll meet up with him at the pub for dinner. The cheeky bastard.

We're a bit lacking in feedback tbh, because the friend in question just texted back 'ok' to DH's suggestion we do it at the end of Feb. Which might not mean anything as he can be quite taciturn, and I agree it would be CF-y to invite himself with one week's notice and then be put out when we can't make it work. It's DH, who knows him far better than me, who thinks he might be disappointed but we've got so little to work on. I guess I'm a bit concerned that he might be feeling down and in need of some social time, but I agree he can't expect us to drop everything on such short notice, and as far as I'm aware DH isn't his only friend.

If having a clean house is the reason you don’t want the visitor, I say let him come as he probably won’t even notice or care.

If it really bothers you generally, then say no.

Personally I like my house very clean for company, but it’s not really ever actually like that! It’s a very lived in house!

He's your husband's mate so I'd just do my own thing and let them get on with it.

If you really did feel like apologising for the state of the house, just tell him it was your husband's job and he didn't bother 🤷‍♂️

So for February tell your DH that a visit is fine but he has to pay for a cleaning company to come and do a Spring clean. Then after that can you afford a cleaner every other week? I'm trying to figure out how to budget one in myself as I just don't do enough myself.

It's not convenient for you and it's very short notice. His friend is disappointed - that's a shame but he's a grown man and I'm sure he'll get over it. Don't dwell on it, life is busy and you've got enough on your plate!

bugger the friend you have a sexiest husband problem

Tbh I would not care if my friend had dusted or not. Wtf is dusting anyway?!

With the exception of hoovering round, I agree with your husband about cleaning! Assuming washing gets done too.
Kitchen and bathroom for hygiene. Hoovering partly hygiene (stop food crumbs attracting pests) and partly because walking on bits is irritating
Everything else can just get done when it gets done. Dusting, windows, sorting (so long as it's not hoarder levels where it's unsafe).

Friend was being a bit of a CF though

Mine is the same.
Maybe my standards are too high but he just doesn't see it and I don't think understands the extent of things I do to keep on top of the house.
We have guests a lot and I am run raggid every time.

Not as simple for me as saying 'just don't do it' or 'don't have guests'

But I do sometimes think, how can you bloody not see x and y needs doing?!!!
You have my sympathy!

Are you married to my Dh?! 😂 In addition to all of the above, my Dh will also spend 2 hours putting away absolutely everything on the kitchen counters, like to the point it looks like we’ve up and moved out, but leave beer cans and plates of yesterday’s food all over the lounge when guests are coming over. It’s like he hyper fixates on the fact the bloody teabags are sitting next to the kettle but never mind the apple core from 3 days ago that he sat on top of the toilet cistern and walked away from. So our house ends up looking a mix of burgled and uni student filth. It drives me nuts.

We also have the same with friends and family who demand to come on specific dates. We live in a nice part of the country so I think people see ‘free holiday’. None of them ever invite us to stay with them. Dh also often ‘forgets’ to clarify when people are leaving. We ended up with BIL/SIL for a week over Christmas because dh couldn’t bring himself to ask when they were leaving (and I’d given up on life after day 4). We even ended up with them inviting themselves on our holiday last year. We went to stay in a holiday cottage about an hour from where they live, said we’d meet up one day. Cue BIL/SIL turning up with their camper van and parking up in the bloody drive of the Airbnb and staying the rest of our holiday. I’d love to think we know so many CF who do this because I’m such an amazing host, but really it’s because Dh has no boundaries (I try to walk a fine balance between always being the one who says no to everything so sometimes I do try to look the other way, and grimace).

Just say no, it’s fine, why doesn’t Dh go visit his friend instead? Surely it means they get to see each other but friend will have to do the hosting.

Say no! If he does come, leave and have a nice weekend elsewhere, using family money.

Tell DH the house better be spotless when you return.

Quite a mix of responses here! 😄I'm sorry to hear some are battling similar problems with men and their cleaning philosophies, or lack thereof, though.

I am looking to get a cleaner again (we've had them at various times in the past) as there's no way the place is ever going to be in a better state unless we do. I'll feel a lot better once I have someone coming in again tbh. DH does just so frustrate me on this score, although we are happy overall and he pulls his weight with other things.

I am 100% convinced his attitude to housework is in reaction how his mother is. Show-home clean and tidy at all times, her house is beautiful and I admire her stamina (84 and still cleans daily, has more energy than me, I think!) but unfortunately she's also very old-fashioned and literally did not teach her 3 sons to clean or task them with any household responsibilities whatsoever while growing up, because 'their wives will do all that, it's their job.' (This is her stance regardless of whether a women works full-time, btw. 😒)

Thankfully DH hasn't inherited her POV (I've lived with a sexist man in the past who thought women were domestic appliances, and I would never go there again), it's just a bit unfortunate he's gone completely the other way - I'm convinced this is in reaction to his upbringing - but tbh I actually think he prefers clutter to order, and physically does not appear to see dirt (toilets and kitchens being the exception, as mentioned earlier) and thinks neither of us should bother doing any housework beyond the absolute basics necessary for hygiene. I've given up hoping he might manage to establish a more balanced view on this now he's older, sadly.

I think YABU.

I mean, I know it is mute now, but, as a discussion point - more notice won't make any difference, as you and your dh have different opinions about how much of a deep clean needs to be done before a mate comes to stay. That won't change if it is in 5 days time, 5 weeks time or 5 months time.

FWIW, I'm with your dh. I've never gone to visit a friend and spent time wiping my finger on surfaces or worrying about a 'to do' pile of papers on the table. If I did notice something, if anything, it would make me feel privileged that said friend was happy to welcome me into their home, even if they were a bit busy. That they considered me and actual friend and not some sort of paying guest they needed to impress for some reason.

I get what you're saying and agree up to a point... unfortunately though there's more than a bit of dust and piles of papers needs dealing with, at this point... #grimace