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AIBU?

Whirlwind DH

28 replies

likearollingscone · 14/01/2024 09:04

He likes to always be on the go. Fair enough. He lines lovely things up for me and the DC but finds it hard to sit back and obvserve.

I mean weekend days like computer games, bus ride, restaurant, shop, park... All great things but one straight after the other with no stopping in between? I have to tell him we need to spread them out a bit.

Then he’s shattered in the evening but says he finds it hard to relax in the day.

Leisure time isn’t relaxing if it’s not leisurely? Are some men just like this?
He’s got a lot on with a poorly relative
so I think he doesn’t like to stop and think.
🤣

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

34 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
24%
You are NOT being unreasonable
76%
likearollingscone · 14/01/2024 09:05

I know it’s better than him not doing anything with the kids.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 14/01/2024 09:14

Sounds like my DH. Finds it impossible to relax even when he has had injuries and surgeries in the past. Always shattered by the evening. Can't sleep in in the morning. Threw himself into sports coaching every weekend despite a high powered and demanding job. It is very tiring to live with. But DH is a lovely man, great dad and we have a good relationship.

Posters get a lot of flak for bringing up ND on here, but DS has ADHD and during his diagnosis DH was ticking more boxes than he was! We all acknowledged it, including DH. Apparently he was a nightmare child. I am very laid back and when we first got together PIL joked that I'd be the only one able to put up with him! We laughed at the time but now I know what they meant.

Nottold · 14/01/2024 09:22

I'm female and like this (also likely undiagnosed ADHD). I wake up early and cant sleep because my brain just says ITS GOTIME! I'm always absolutely exhausted in the evenings to the point i have headaches and nausea.

likearollingscone · 14/01/2024 09:37

Same right down to the coaching and high powered job mothership4two.

My DH is also a lovely man, great dad and we have a good relationship.

How do you deal with the pace when kids are involved? I literally have to mark out ‘do nothing’ for a couple of hours in the diary!

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 14/01/2024 09:55

He was in the Armed Forces and away a lot when the kids were young so I think my way of doing things imprinted on them and they would like to have time doing their own thing by themselves most days - and we talked about it so I could insist that this was as important as them getting out and kicking/throwing a ball. We have boys so having a very active and sporty dad was great for them too. I guess we just communicated and he had to understand that 'down time' is valid and not wasting time. I don't know about you, but I had to get over feeling guilty if I ever sat down to have a cup of tea or read a book (when I had time)? If one partner is always on the go doing something, it can feel like you have to keep up with them - stopped that long ago. He has been very involved in the boys lives and, now they are adults, would still like to be! I have to pull him up and stop him doing everything for them when they are perfectly capable of doing it for themselves. So, yes, communication and a lot of long walks!

Mothership4two · 14/01/2024 10:00

Actually my last sentence made me remember that getting a dog helped as he does a lot of the walking - actually overwalked her a bit and has had to rein that in a bit!

DH is having physio for minor injuries (probably brought on by being constantly on the go!) so is around much more, but used to go off for long runs and cycle rides which allowed the rest of us to take a breath and relax! Good for your MH but not great on their bodies!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/01/2024 10:03

Mothership4two · 14/01/2024 09:14

Sounds like my DH. Finds it impossible to relax even when he has had injuries and surgeries in the past. Always shattered by the evening. Can't sleep in in the morning. Threw himself into sports coaching every weekend despite a high powered and demanding job. It is very tiring to live with. But DH is a lovely man, great dad and we have a good relationship.

Posters get a lot of flak for bringing up ND on here, but DS has ADHD and during his diagnosis DH was ticking more boxes than he was! We all acknowledged it, including DH. Apparently he was a nightmare child. I am very laid back and when we first got together PIL joked that I'd be the only one able to put up with him! We laughed at the time but now I know what they meant.

Edited

Ooooh same with us.

Going through it all with dd. Every bloody box I’m thinking ‘this is dh’

Mothership4two · 14/01/2024 10:07

How old is DD @ArseInTheCoOpWindow? DS had lots of extra invaluable help at university. Actually although undiagnosed at school he had extra time in exams as he was a slow writer which meant being in a separate room with a small group which was great as there were a lot less distractions.

likearollingscone · 14/01/2024 11:06

He has to micromanage in his job role which he is great at but he tends to carry this through to weekends.
He means well but I can see that as well as playing with Daddy, one of my DC needs a chunk of time to potter and play with his toys without adult input.

They dote on him but I try to put it into words how they also need space in the day to use their own imagination and build resilience by sorting themselves out and choosing what to do.
He agrees with me then he’s like right let’s do this, then this then you can do this etc.
It’s hard saying anything without hurting his feelings because he’s not doing anything wrong per se. It’s lovely he dotes on them so much.

OP posts:
likearollingscone · 14/01/2024 11:18

They do get it when he goes out and I’ve implemented chill time but it’s good to hear from others with a busy busy man!

OP posts:
LoveSandbanks · 14/01/2024 11:23

I’m like this. I take myself off for a run most Sundays. My family insist on down time but I’m very much a spaniel;

where we going, what we doing let’s go NOW! I don’t relax by sitting, I relax by long walks or bike rides or swimming. On holiday my husband once said “come on boys, we need to go out, we’ve got to walk mum“ 🙄

catelynjane · 14/01/2024 11:42

My DH can be a bit like this at weekends - he can't just "be" he has to "do". He does have ADHD though which definitely contributes. He's rubbish at being on holidays or off work unless he has a schedule, lol.

Mostly I just ignore him, lol, but we don't have children so at weekends he's generally free to do whatever he likes.

likearollingscone · 14/01/2024 12:39

He loves a schedule at weekends but they also need a bit of free time to make up their own games and have a bit of adult free headspace too?
He seems to set the pace and as he can’t relax without being on the go, it’s tricky to insert chilling out times if u know what I mean.

OP posts:
catelynjane · 14/01/2024 12:42

Can you encourage him to schedule in some "me time" every weekend - then the children can have that time to themselves? @likearollingscone

My DH has been on the go since he got up this morning but none of it has involved me - he went to the hardware shop, to his parents', then faffed about with the car, then walked the dog, then went to Tesco - now he's gone off for a bike ride.

Your DH can learn to entertain himself.

likearollingscone · 14/01/2024 14:02

Yes we’ve talked about how he needs to model downtime to recharge as well as packing a lot in. For his health and their future health (he’s mid 40s).

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Begsthequestion · 14/01/2024 14:24

Did he go to boarding school before the army perchance?

Sounds like a weird question I know, but I've heard that the need to fill time like this can result from growing up in a place where every minute is carefully scheduled and filled with activity. The army is similar, as is a high powered job.

These schools were set up as institutions to prepare boys for joining/leading other institutions as adults, so it's kind of built into the ethos and can have a strong impact on adult life.

gannett · 14/01/2024 14:26

Was he not like this before you married him? I'm a bit confused as to how an integral and hard-to-hide aspect of his personality has apparently taken you by surprise after several years.

likearollingscone · 14/01/2024 14:26

We’ve just got back from a long cold morning of sport. DS1 is in the bath and has only been in for 5 mins when DS2 wants to get in (no room for both) and DH is hurrying DS1 along to get out. I just snapped and said ’Can we stop rushing? We’ve got no where to be this afternoon!’

OP posts:
likearollingscone · 14/01/2024 14:32

He’s been rushing about more since his DM’s health declined so I do get where it might be coming from.
I know some people keep themselves busy to cope with stress.

OP posts:
likearollingscone · 14/01/2024 14:48

He wasn’t in the Army or at boarding school.

He is a lovely man, great dad and we have a good relationship but I wish he’d slow down and be present a bit more.

OP posts:
Begsthequestion · 14/01/2024 15:05

Ah sorry I think I got your post mixed up with another person's reply on here.

It sounds like anxiety symptoms then, I think with a lot of men especially, anxiety comes out in a kind of OCD need to control everything. Trying to get one kid out of the bath after five minutes so another one can get in, especially when you have no need to rush, is not rational. It's good that you're observing and raising it with him as I think this kind of thing can escalate before the person doing it realises how they are acting. He is probably, as you say, trying not to think about whatever is causing the anxiety and so is focusing on what you are all doing instead.

Mothership4two · 14/01/2024 23:31

My DH was in the Armed Forces and went to a Forces boarding school @Begsthequestion. There is a reason that some branches of the AF want people with ADHD!

Wearegettingfedup · 14/01/2024 23:35

Feel sorry for the children. When do they get time to relax?

likearollingscone · 15/01/2024 09:57

They do get to relax as I put my foot down and say chill afternoon or some free play time now as we’ve been out all morning.

Yesterday they had the whole afternoon to themselves at home after sport.

I think it’s more worrying about him and burnout tbh. He takes too much on but he insists it’s ok. I suppose we all have different levels of stamina.

We had a great weekend away at an activity holiday park recently but he’d lined up four activities in a row on the Saturday daytime, one straight into the other, whereas I think you can spread them out over the weekend so you’re not frazzled!
I do get that he wants to make the most most of the time at places if it’s a short stay.

One of my kids has loads of energy to burn but the other needs more downtime.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 15/01/2024 10:26

I think it’s more worrying about him and burnout tbh. He takes too much on but he insists it’s ok. I suppose we all have different levels of stamina.

We had these discussions about possible burnout years ago but DH said that he likes to keep busy and he enjoys and feels good while doing physical exercise and that is his happy place. Ive tried to get him to do some meditation but he is absolutely not interested. He did do yoga for a bit. He recovered from surgery last year and was like a bear with a sore head during the enforced rest. His problem is more the toll being this way takes out of him physically now he is 'getting on' (approaching 60) as he keeps 'pinging' parts of his body and then overdoes his physio therapy exercises - because if you do double/triple the exercises then obviously you will get better in half/a third of the time 🙄

Sorry not much help, other than to say keep talking but you can only look after yourself and your children if your DH is anything like mine!

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