To be increasingly annoyed by this situation

[magpiemagpuy]

We have 3DC, our middle child is 3 and at nursery.

DD is popular with a nice group of playmates, as a result of this close little group the parents have also become friends. We have play dates with the children and mums/dads go out for drinks together.

It's generally a very nice arrangement and a happy setup.

I've struck up on particularly close friendship with a mum in the group.

Some time ago we had conversations about her being unhappy with her DD treatment at nursery and how she felt she was unhappy there and "constantly being picked on" that essentially her child is being "abused" by other children there.

It felt dramatic on her part but I told her to speak with the management and ask them to keep an eye on the situation but they're very small and friendships are fluid at this age.

After a recent squabble between our DDs it's come to light that she believes my child is the cause of her DD unhappiness and that my DD is bullying hers.

I've spoken to the nursery who say this is categorically untrue. They do bicker and it occasionally escalates but it's nothing more than any normal toddler stuff with lack of sharing.

When this first came out I was happy to put it down to a misunderstanding but the more I think about it the more annoyed I am to have my child labelled a bully.

However there is no convincing this woman that 3 year old argues and that everything her child says isn't gospel.

You won’t win with her, so I’d let the friendship slide.

Oh god, I’m afraid some mothers are just like this. I know a couple. Their child is ALWAYS the innocent victim and normal childhood squabbles are ‘abuse’ etc. It’s really unfortunate that you were friends but I think you’ll have to let her drift. Has she spoken to you directly about your child or just via the nursery?

There’s nothing you can do either way. She’s spoken to the nursery. Presumably if anything like that happened when the girls were playing at home, you’d step in. So what else can you do?

If she’s being unkind about your child to others, I’d speak to her quite seriously (although tbh slagging off an3yo reflects more badly on her than on the 3yo). Otherwise just let it go- nothing you can do.

I'd back away from her now. This type of parent doesn't get any better as the kids get older. I'd put money on her moving her DD from her first primary school because of bullying.

We've both spoken to the nursery. She was unhappy with their response.

I spoke with them and it was quite clear they think this is a "her" problem rather than an actual issue.

It's quite an odd situation as outside of this issue she carries in completely as before.

At first I was also happy to do that but now I think actually you've accused my child of being a bully and painted yours as an innocent victim when I'm willing to bet the farm it's a 50/50 situation

This is so awkward! Agree she won't see it though. She has an angel child who will always be an innocent victim. Anyone who accesses a 3 year old of bullying is a bit of a dick, lets face it. They're still babies but leaning to share etc

Just imagine how unbearable she'll be once they're older. I'd start gently drifting apart now tbh.

Just speaking from experience, I would listen to your friend. I have been in several situations where the parents of children caught bullying were not told and seemed oblivious to the situation. I have also been assured by teachers that they were not aware of any bullying while some fairly awful things were taking place. These involved other kids besides my own so I’m not being super defensive. I hate to say it but I now don’t trust daycares or schools to keep me informed the way I used to.

If this was a one off I would be happy to listen to her.

I completely understand how children can behave, especially in a group setting.

However before it was my DD it was someone else's. Again only on this childs word - and I know mum pumps for information. No witnesses, never a report from an adult/other child of anything happening.

I've asked my DD gently if she is being unkind and she says no. So to believe she's a bully I'd have to believe this other woman's child over my own.

The only situation I've ever witnessed was at a play date where friends DD was throwing things at other children and friend obliviously sat there and later commented on how well behaved and quiet her child is.

I think she is one of those parents. I would back away from her, you have seen clear evidence that she is in denial of the impact of her own child’s behaviour (the throwing and ignoring). Will they end up at the same primary school?

I would make a polite retreat on the friendship front. Pleasant but surface.
You do encounter different sorts of mum people on your little kid journey. Most are fine, a few are difficult.
You soon work out who the tricky ones are.
Be busy. So busy.

Yes I think I will have to let the friendship slide, which is sad as apart from this she is nice, and I don't have a huge friendship group so it was nice to meet someone on the same wavelength.

However, It seems now we are not!

I have also started to sense, whether in my imagination or not, a coolness towards my DD from this woman which I won't tolerate

She's bonkers. Three-year-olds are not bullies and it's a very unkind adult who would label.one as such. I wouldn't want her around my child because she is not a kind person.

You need to learn to separate your DD's friendships from your own. You can still socialise in a group, although I would distance from a more one on one relationship.

I think she has done the right thing by approaching nursery rather than you directly though (aside from maybe sounding you out by a general moan about nursery). However, If she is saying things about your son on a wider basis, I would be asking nursery to speak with her without mentioning you and reinforcing it's 50-50 (or whatever).

As a rule my parent friends take a kids will be kids approach to our DCs disputes.

This is my middle child so not my first rodeo so to speak.

And while I appreciate she went to the school directly she also contacted me a while ago really going in on a "unnamed" child. Which now turns out to be mine!!!

Surely it would have been better to just say then if there was an issue. I'm honestly happy to have that conversation.

I feel she has been very underhanded.

Also a lot of this "daily abuse" has happened while my DD has been off sick!!!

The reality is that I don't believe three years old have the capacity to bully. They are in the ego stage so her dd is probably relaying her version which is true to her, as is yours.

An example would be your dd assertively keeping a toy until she finishes her turn meanwhile her dd has asked and feels other child should hand it over. Both tell the same scenario differently.

i wonder if she herself was bullied ?

You can't argue with stupid.

Sorry you're going through this.

I'd keep your distance for a while.

Makes sense with older children- I am a great believer in believing your child- but words like “bully” are meaningless for a 3yo.