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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister not called or text once since major surgery

11 replies

ponderywondery · 13/01/2024 22:41

Set up new account to evade detection.

I can’t work out if I’m behind unreasonable? My sister, who I usually phone or call at least once a fortnight if not week, has not called or text once to ask if I’m ok since major (planned) surgery. I’m now two weeks post surgery and the most I’ve heard from her is to respond to a text I sent our family group chat?

Ive text her to ask if she’s ok, as I thought it was odd not to hear from her. I also sent her a screen shot of a something I thought she’d like that was in the sale and quite niche to her tastes, saying- “Uh bargain and totally you!”. Nothing in response. I checked in with my Mum, to see I hadn’t missed something, when mum visited and she said that she was probably just busy. Mum said she’d only spoken to her on the day of surgery to say it had gone much better than expected.

Just before the surgery, the surgeon thought it was more serious than it apparently was and was trying to set the scene for serious life changes afterwards, which luckily I did not end up having. She was in tears when we said our last goodbye as she was worried. She gave me a really long poignant hug with lots of tears. This was days before the surgery. Nothing other than “yes that’s fine” in response to my text in group chat since.

I feel quite upset that she hasn’t called or text. I feel like she doesn’t care. We are usually quite close. I don’t think I can say anything to her, as she’s likely take offence. But I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive (at a fragile point in my life, as recovery is no picnic- I’ve only just been able to start walking around again, this week). AIBU?

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 13/01/2024 22:49

I don’t think you are being overly sensitive. I would be quite hurt by that.

Glad you haven’t got serious life changes x

Boatshoes · 13/01/2024 22:54

I would just leave it for the moment; she may be struggling with her own emotions at the thought of nearly having lost you and needing to prepare herself for the worst. I hope you feel better soon.

Ladybirder · 13/01/2024 23:27

💐Wishing you a speedy recovery OP.
YANBU to think that your sister would be in touch to see how you are, especially as you are close. People who haven’t had surgery maybe don’t understand that convalescence can be a painful and slow journey. That being said your sister should have been in touch, and you have given her opportunity to. Could you just ring her for a catch up and see if she asks then? If she doesn’t I would raise it with her when you are recovered and feeling stronger.

Sunflower8848 · 14/01/2024 00:03

Was it plastic surgery? if so, maybe she was upset that you put her through that ordeal for superficial reasons? Can’t think why else she’d be ignoring you

penjil · 14/01/2024 00:10

Be direct. Ask her outright "Are you going to come and see me?"

See what she says. 👍

PickAChew · 14/01/2024 00:14

Sunflower8848 · 14/01/2024 00:03

Was it plastic surgery? if so, maybe she was upset that you put her through that ordeal for superficial reasons? Can’t think why else she’d be ignoring you

You think so? "Just before the surgery, the surgeon thought it was more serious than it apparently was and was trying to set the scene for serious life changes afterwards,"

JMSA · 14/01/2024 00:16

Whaaat?? But this is such weird behaviour from her.
Does she have a problem with the attention being on someone else, rather than her?
So sorry, OP. No wonder you're feeling confused and hurt. I hope you're ok Flowers

BringMeTea · 14/01/2024 10:23

Yeah that's very uncool of her. Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 14/01/2024 10:33

Very uncool but definitely a thing. Some people just retreat from medical stuff/ major life events. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to call them out on it without making them feel bad.

Could you reach out and ask her to visit/ arrange a call?

Glad you are recovering well.

HeddaGarbled · 14/01/2024 10:39

You know she does care. Don’t take yourself off down that route. It’s odd, and no wonder you’re hurt. Just concentrate on yourself and your recovery now. She’ll have to sort herself out eventually.

ponderywondery · 14/01/2024 14:37

Thanks all, I feel validated to have this emotion. I guess it could be a self preservation thing?
it wasn’t plastic surgery. It was removal of an organ that had been giving me a lot of trouble. They were worried some growths were cancerous or pre cancerous but they ended up not finding anything like that and just removed the organ.
I know she cares but I guess I’m a bit miffed that she hasn’t called or text. I’m the oldest, so tend to look out for her a lot. We also both sort of parent our mum and I helped to bring up my sister. Perhaps she doesn’t feel comfortable checking in on me, as it seems a more parent type of thing? I don’t know. It feel odd and hurtful and I know if I bring it up with her she’ll just get upset and say something about how busy she’s been and how I don’t understand. (I do, we both work and have children and commitments).

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