To not let him over?

UndertheCedartree · 2024-01-13T21:54:25+00:00

My DC's dad lives with his mum and she doesn't let the DC go over to the flat. He comes to see them at mine 3x per week. He always leaves rubbish, his mug out, cushions/throws in a mess/on the floor. I came home from shopping for the day and he's done all this plus unplugged and moved my heated throw and now it's not working! And it's freezing! I have an under-active thyroid so really feel it. I can't say he definitely broke it but just would rather him not touch my stuff. He won't put the remote in the basket it goes but has his own spot for it. I want to tell him not to come over anymore. But I'm aware this will cause WW3. He might not see the DC which will upset them. I'll also lose financially as he's probably stop giving me money and I'd not get much from CSA as he's unemployed. He has a serious mental illness which means he can't work. He doesn't really do much parenting but the DC love him and he loves them. What should I do?

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 13/01/2024 23:07

Anyone?

OP posts:

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/01/2024 23:09

Why won't their Gma see them at her home?

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 13/01/2024 23:14

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/01/2024 23:09

Why won't their Gma see them at her home?

She's just not bothered about seeing them. Sees them usually a couple of times a year.

OP posts:

POTC · 13/01/2024 23:15

Stop it now.
I'm you, but many years into the future and still letting him come to mine on his weekend. The only benefit is he has to cook meals for me too! It took me a long time to realise I was doing myself no favours and to insist on him buying the food, putting money on the gas & electric, taking responsibility for driving them around on his weekend. All of that has made it slightly better, but around 12 years after we first started doing it this way as it made practical sense I would definitely not do it again if I had that choice!

Takenoprisoner · 13/01/2024 23:18

This is a hard one, you have my sympathies.

can he take them out for a bit? For food, park, library, swimming? or if he won't, can you stay home while he's there and keep valuables or breakables hidden? Failing that, a contact centre?

Yanbu at all btw.

sockmuncher · 13/01/2024 23:22

I honestly wouldn't let the money you get from him be a plus of having him have contact at your house.

If you need to replace the heated throw (and they're expensive!) you'll still be down money from the money he gives you (I presume he doesn't give much).

I think it's all about how you say it but you can tell him you'll still facilitate contact with the kids, just not at your house anymore. He can take them out to spend time with them.

If that means contact is sporadic for a while, then so be it but you'll need to cut the cord sooner or later. Maybe the start of a fresh year is the best time?

sockmuncher · 13/01/2024 23:25

I'm also going to add that it will only cause WW3 if you let it.

You tell him that your house is not an option anymore for contact. Ignore any yapping or crying. Tell him the kids will be available for him to see at X time and he can take it or leave it.

Don't get pulled into fights. Just don't respond to it.

It sounds like he loves his kids so as soon as he realises he won't wear you down he might let the issue go. It's also worth telling the kids that your home is your home and you're Dad is going to see them outside of the house going forward. It means he won't be able to talk them into letting him in and seeing them there.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 13/01/2024 23:25

POTC · 13/01/2024 23:15

Stop it now.
I'm you, but many years into the future and still letting him come to mine on his weekend. The only benefit is he has to cook meals for me too! It took me a long time to realise I was doing myself no favours and to insist on him buying the food, putting money on the gas & electric, taking responsibility for driving them around on his weekend. All of that has made it slightly better, but around 12 years after we first started doing it this way as it made practical sense I would definitely not do it again if I had that choice!

He feeds them on a Saturday but gets a takeaway so doesn't even make me a meal!

We have constant aggro about a DC asking him something and he answers 'ask mum'. Drives me up the wall! Generally we got on well, though.

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Healthyhappymama · 13/01/2024 23:30

I'd just put some boundaries down , say 3 times a week is too much, change it to once a week or once a fortnight whatever suits and say while you are here don't be doing x y and z. That way kids still get to see him and hopefully he can listen and be respectful in your home. Sounds a lot for him to be over staying anyway, that would annoy me

POTC · 13/01/2024 23:34

Generally we get on well too, I'd still make a different choice if I were back there again though!

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 13/01/2024 23:34

Takenoprisoner · 13/01/2024 23:18

This is a hard one, you have my sympathies.

can he take them out for a bit? For food, park, library, swimming? or if he won't, can you stay home while he's there and keep valuables or breakables hidden? Failing that, a contact centre?

Yanbu at all btw.

He doesn't like taking them out that much in the winter as tend to have to pay for something. But last time we had a fall out over this issue I said to him fine to still come to mine after he picks up DD during the week but can he take them out on Saturdays. I thought about it and he's not taken them out for at least 9 months. It always slips. If you give him an inch he takes a mile. Any chance to get out of things. Like every Saturday he'll say Am I feeding them today? Like hoping I'll let him off or something. Today he phones me while out shopping to ask where the remote is and I'll tell him in the basket where it belongs and he tells me 'I keep it on the unit ' Then asks if DD and I will be eating out so I say 'yes' and so he says he'll just feed DS - I have to point out we'll be eating lunch out but will be home for dinner!

DC are 16 and 11 so too old for a contact centre.

OP posts:

Takenoprisoner · 13/01/2024 23:40

UndertheCedartree · 13/01/2024 23:34

He doesn't like taking them out that much in the winter as tend to have to pay for something. But last time we had a fall out over this issue I said to him fine to still come to mine after he picks up DD during the week but can he take them out on Saturdays. I thought about it and he's not taken them out for at least 9 months. It always slips. If you give him an inch he takes a mile. Any chance to get out of things. Like every Saturday he'll say Am I feeding them today? Like hoping I'll let him off or something. Today he phones me while out shopping to ask where the remote is and I'll tell him in the basket where it belongs and he tells me 'I keep it on the unit ' Then asks if DD and I will be eating out so I say 'yes' and so he says he'll just feed DS - I have to point out we'll be eating lunch out but will be home for dinner!

DC are 16 and 11 so too old for a contact centre.

Show quote history

Can't understand why that relationship ended? He sounds like a gem.

Joking aside, what does he do with the kids at home?

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 13/01/2024 23:41

sockmuncher · 13/01/2024 23:22

I honestly wouldn't let the money you get from him be a plus of having him have contact at your house.

If you need to replace the heated throw (and they're expensive!) you'll still be down money from the money he gives you (I presume he doesn't give much).

I think it's all about how you say it but you can tell him you'll still facilitate contact with the kids, just not at your house anymore. He can take them out to spend time with them.

If that means contact is sporadic for a while, then so be it but you'll need to cut the cord sooner or later. Maybe the start of a fresh year is the best time?

I can't afford to replace the heated throw, unfortunately.

He does give a reasonable amount - an amount each week then goes halves on big purchases like coats and shoes or school trips etc.

It's also the only break I get. The DC both have ASD so can be hard work.

The thing I actually wouldn't mind him coming back here during the week after picking up DD if he tidied after himself and took them out on a Saturday. But I just feel that will never happen so I just need to say he can't come over atall.

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 13/01/2024 23:46

Healthyhappymama · 13/01/2024 23:30

I'd just put some boundaries down , say 3 times a week is too much, change it to once a week or once a fortnight whatever suits and say while you are here don't be doing x y and z. That way kids still get to see him and hopefully he can listen and be respectful in your home. Sounds a lot for him to be over staying anyway, that would annoy me

I think cutting the time down would be good. But he picks DD up from school twice per week. Maybe I'll just say he can only stay for an hour on those days. But I'll told him not to do those things so many times, he just still does them. I know he doesn't do it to wind me up...but the fact is it does. He's literally in his own little world.

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Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 13/01/2024 23:50

Takenoprisoner · 13/01/2024 23:40

Can't understand why that relationship ended? He sounds like a gem.

Joking aside, what does he do with the kids at home?

Show quote history

Ha!

He doesn't do much to be honest. He'll sometimes watch a film or series with them. He goes to the corner shop with them to get a drink and snack. He talks to my DD a bit sometimes.

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PurpleBugz · 13/01/2024 23:59

I would tell him bluntly that the mess he makes in the house is unacceptable and you are considering stopping contact in your house because of it. Tell him if he wants contact in your house you expect to get home to house in same condition you left it you are not his maid he needs to step up.

It's not just about the extra work and expense for you it's about what you are teaching your kids about how men should treat women

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2024 08:50

That's a good point about how men should treat women.

The thing is I've read him the riot act about it before. He just doesn't seem to get it. I think I'm going to reduce contact in my house. Often he's just sat downstairs watching his heavy metal music (which I hate) while the DC are in their rooms!

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2024 14:15

I've spoken to the DC and they don't want anything to change - not surprising as they are autistic. I don't know what to do for the best. I know what would suit me but not sure it would be in the DC's best interests.

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Takenoprisoner · 14/01/2024 14:18

i don't think the dc get a say in this, you're the one being impacted negatively more than them, make the decision, and support them to accept it. Your happiness is important too

NotQuiteNorma · 14/01/2024 14:29

Just a thought, contact your energy provider and ask them if they are doing any customer support packages. Tell them about your thyroid and how you find it difficult to keep warm. I'm with OVO and they gave me an electric fleece throw for free. I can't live without it so feel your pain but you may be able to get one to replace yours without additional cost.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2024 17:37

Takenoprisoner · 14/01/2024 14:18

i don't think the dc get a say in this, you're the one being impacted negatively more than them, make the decision, and support them to accept it. Your happiness is important too

Thank you!

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Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 14/01/2024 17:38

NotQuiteNorma · 14/01/2024 14:29

Just a thought, contact your energy provider and ask them if they are doing any customer support packages. Tell them about your thyroid and how you find it difficult to keep warm. I'm with OVO and they gave me an electric fleece throw for free. I can't live without it so feel your pain but you may be able to get one to replace yours without additional cost.

Oh, really? Thank you - I might as well give it a go!

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Miiaaoow · 15/01/2024 20:22

My dad used to come round at least twice a week after my parents split up (although my sibling and I were older than your younger DC (teenagers). At the time it was very clear to me that he wanted to be there a) to see my mum more than anything and b) to be a part of the family as if nothing had changed rather than to actually spend time with my sibling and I. We all breathed a sigh of relief when he left but it still felt like he was still there all the time.

My sibling and I are now much older and my dad still feels entitled to just turn up at my mums house on a regular basis.
I honestly think that it's so unhealthy for everyone because nobody gets to move on. My dad has depression and threatens suicide so my mum won't say anything for fear of upsetting him but my sibling (who may be on the spectrum) thinks that their relationship is a good example and emulates him. You can behave like a shitty man and you'll still be 'welcomed'. My mum is great and deserved to find someone to love her and treat her wonderfully and she never got the chance. My dad is completely stuck in the past.

I really think that the best thing for everyone in my family (except perhaps my shitty dad) would have been for a proper separation/divorce. Your relationship ended for a reason, so do your kids really see an example of a positive adult relationship by him being there all the time? Is your house filled with love? Or discomfort?

Sorry for the life story, I just wanted to share an example from the perspective of the DC in this situation.

Ultimately just remember that your ex's mental health is no longer your responsibility. His living situation and how and when he sees your children is also not your responsibility. You deserve to be free.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 15/01/2024 20:39

Miiaaoow · 15/01/2024 20:22

My dad used to come round at least twice a week after my parents split up (although my sibling and I were older than your younger DC (teenagers). At the time it was very clear to me that he wanted to be there a) to see my mum more than anything and b) to be a part of the family as if nothing had changed rather than to actually spend time with my sibling and I. We all breathed a sigh of relief when he left but it still felt like he was still there all the time.

My sibling and I are now much older and my dad still feels entitled to just turn up at my mums house on a regular basis.
I honestly think that it's so unhealthy for everyone because nobody gets to move on. My dad has depression and threatens suicide so my mum won't say anything for fear of upsetting him but my sibling (who may be on the spectrum) thinks that their relationship is a good example and emulates him. You can behave like a shitty man and you'll still be 'welcomed'. My mum is great and deserved to find someone to love her and treat her wonderfully and she never got the chance. My dad is completely stuck in the past.

I really think that the best thing for everyone in my family (except perhaps my shitty dad) would have been for a proper separation/divorce. Your relationship ended for a reason, so do your kids really see an example of a positive adult relationship by him being there all the time? Is your house filled with love? Or discomfort?

Sorry for the life story, I just wanted to share an example from the perspective of the DC in this situation.

Ultimately just remember that your ex's mental health is no longer your responsibility. His living situation and how and when he sees your children is also not your responsibility. You deserve to be free.

Thank you for sharing that, it sounds very difficult.

My 2 are 16 and 11. They tell me they like seeing their dad frequently. I'm not sure if our relationship is a positive one. I think it could be better but it could be worse. Although many people think it is good that we are so amicable. Our house is full of love. He's not here all the time and he only comes on set days - he never just drops by. I have moved on - I have a boyfriend. I do sometimes not feel completely free from my ex, though and I think I need to work out what will work for me as well as the children.

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Miiaaoow · 15/01/2024 21:00

Well your situation certainly sounds healthier than than mine was. I'm glad that you have been able to move on and that your house is filled with love.

3x a week is a lot though. Perhaps cut it down to 2x and then 1 as your DC gets older. You mentioned that he could pick your DC up from school and then stay an hour, but could he not spend that hour elsewhere as it gets warmer? If he's there, but not spending time with the children, perhaps gently suggest that it's time to go home now. I know you mentioned m/h issues but you shouldn't put his feelings before yours in your own home (re the music and the mess etc). He almost sounds a third DC.

Best of luck whatever happens