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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sons relationship

38 replies

Heliophilia · 13/01/2024 14:11

I have 3 kids, my middle son is 21, his birthday was in October. He is in his 3rd year of uni but lives at home, had the same part time job since he was 16.
Recently he has told us that he is in a relationship with his school best friends (now moved away for uni) little sister - she’s 17, 18 in the summer in Y13. They work together and have been doing so for about a year and a half. Apparently they’ve been dating for about 8 months (so 16 and 20). His friend who he’s still close to had no idea and has only found out recently, same for us parents.

Well it’s all blown up, his friend is accusing my DS of having slept with the girl before she turned 16 - during the summer before last, weeks before her 16th. He claims this isn’t true and they only slept together after her 16th and starting dating when she was closer to 17. She didn’t start working with him until she was 16 and he said this is how they got closer so I believe that.
He won’t break up with her and she doesn’t want to break up with him but all of his school friends are a bit outraged and he’s now barely going out (he has uni friends but they aren’t the type to really go out), I’ve told him I don’t like the idea of him being in this relationship so she can’t come here and I believe her parents have said the same, but they work together so are still seeing each other plenty, also think he is booking a hotel or similar at times to spend the night with her as I know he’s not out with his school friends and he’s never stayed out with his uni friends before.
I know he’s an adult so his relationship is none of my business but she isn’t.
AIBU to be concerned and wanting to talk to her dad? Or do I just leave it?

OP posts:
Clyspso · 13/01/2024 14:25

Where were the meeting before if her parents also didn't know? Just at work? How has anything changed since this became public knowledge?
Why did they hide the relationship (8 months is a fairly long time for young adults) and I assume they also kept it off social media?
I would be concerned but I'm not sure I'd talk to her parents, your son is 21, he has to figure this out. She's over the age of consent so it's not a legal issue.

Heliophilia · 13/01/2024 14:35

Clyspso · 13/01/2024 14:25

Where were the meeting before if her parents also didn't know? Just at work? How has anything changed since this became public knowledge?
Why did they hide the relationship (8 months is a fairly long time for young adults) and I assume they also kept it off social media?
I would be concerned but I'm not sure I'd talk to her parents, your son is 21, he has to figure this out. She's over the age of consent so it's not a legal issue.

I believe they have been and still are staying at my ex husbands (he’s very relaxed).
Nothing between them has changed but he has lost lots of his friends and doesn’t seem happy now.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 13/01/2024 14:36

Nobody gains anything from you making a fuss about this. She’s 17, and they work together. You have no idea when they slept together and honestly, it’s not your business. This is clearly not a case of an older man grooming a teenager.

His friend is only being weird about this because he doesn’t like the idea of his little sister having a boyfriend.

KissMyArt · 13/01/2024 14:39

A load of fuss over nothing.

Everyone should keep out of it as they're not doing anything wrong, whether you like it or not.

No wonder they hid it for so long.

kisstheblarney · 13/01/2024 14:43

MYOB

Nicknacky · 13/01/2024 14:49

Why is this such a big drama? There is only 4 years between them

KissMyArt · 13/01/2024 14:51

Nicknacky · 13/01/2024 14:49

Why is this such a big drama? There is only 4 years between them

I agree and in terms of maturity, the 'gap' could feel much less.

Heliophilia · 13/01/2024 14:51

Nicknacky · 13/01/2024 14:49

Why is this such a big drama? There is only 4 years between them

Because of the rumour they slept together before she was 16 and my son was 19.

OP posts:
KissMyArt · 13/01/2024 14:52

You're happy to take more notice of a rumour than what your own son is saying to you?

Why is that?

Nicknacky · 13/01/2024 14:53

Heliophilia · 13/01/2024 14:51

Because of the rumour they slept together before she was 16 and my son was 19.

Edited

But he has said they didn’t and even if they had, nothing can change that. They are clearly serious about each other.

And how would her brother even know?

Heliophilia · 13/01/2024 14:53

KissMyArt · 13/01/2024 14:52

You're happy to take more notice of a rumour than what your own son is saying to you?

Why is that?

I’m concerned he’s lost friends over it.
I believe him I just don’t think a relationship is worth losing friends over.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 13/01/2024 14:53

Heliophilia · 13/01/2024 14:53

I’m concerned he’s lost friends over it.
I believe him I just don’t think a relationship is worth losing friends over.

And now you are trying to make him lose his girlfriend

Heliophilia · 13/01/2024 14:54

Nicknacky · 13/01/2024 14:53

But he has said they didn’t and even if they had, nothing can change that. They are clearly serious about each other.

And how would her brother even know?

Apparently someone told him and the girl and told that person so rumours.

OP posts:
jay55 · 13/01/2024 14:54

They wouldn't have kept it hidden for 8months if they thought it was all okay.
Maybe now the secret is out it'll be less fun and fizzle out.

BMW6 · 13/01/2024 14:57

Heliophilia · 13/01/2024 14:53

I’m concerned he’s lost friends over it.
I believe him I just don’t think a relationship is worth losing friends over.

Well if his "friends" are believing (or spreading) the rumour they aren't worth keeping IMO.

KissMyArt · 13/01/2024 14:59

Heliophilia · 13/01/2024 14:53

I’m concerned he’s lost friends over it.
I believe him I just don’t think a relationship is worth losing friends over.

It's a good job it's not your relationship or your business then.

Just be there for him if they break up, like most young people do.

KissMyArt · 13/01/2024 15:00

And also her brother needs to lean he is not the gatekeeper of his sister's virginity Angry

Laiste · 13/01/2024 15:01

Well if the rest of the world believes that they slept together at 15 and 19 then there's not much you can do about it.

The continuation of them being happy together year on year is probably the best way to gradually shut everybody up ...

theconfidenceofwho · 13/01/2024 15:01

ManateeFair · 13/01/2024 14:36

Nobody gains anything from you making a fuss about this. She’s 17, and they work together. You have no idea when they slept together and honestly, it’s not your business. This is clearly not a case of an older man grooming a teenager.

His friend is only being weird about this because he doesn’t like the idea of his little sister having a boyfriend.

Edited

This!

Redshoeblueshoe · 13/01/2024 15:01

In his shoes I'd move in with my DF.

theconfidenceofwho · 13/01/2024 15:04

Me too @Redshoeblueshoe

Totally agree with PP that the brother is not the keeper of his sister's virginity - sexist shite!

They're also not real friends to your DS, so he's better off without them & making new ones!

Spirallingdownwards · 13/01/2024 15:05

If they have been together 8 months and she is 17 but her birthday is in Summer then she was 16 when they started going out.

He has lost his friends and you will lose him if you persist in trying to interfere with their relationship. Are you put out that your ex knew and you didn't?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 13/01/2024 15:05

BMW6 · 13/01/2024 14:57

Well if his "friends" are believing (or spreading) the rumour they aren't worth keeping IMO.

This.

They aren’t friends if they don’t believe him.

The brother is clearly just put out that his pal is seeing his little sister. It’s an outdated, sexist attitude to have these days but hardly uncommon. If they stay together he’ll get used to it.

Witchbitch20 · 13/01/2024 15:07

His friends aren’t his friends.

Megifer · 13/01/2024 15:10

Feel pretty sorry for these two youngsters tbh. Got his mates (who arent mates) being dicks and their own parents being very weird about it 🙄 they'll just keep doing what they are doing and none of you parents will know where they are 🤷‍♀️

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