To work on marriage - DH seems unbothered. Thoughts?

[roselemonade23]

Should I stay in a marriage to DH, or is it not worth it?

We are already in couples, but its early days. Two young DDs who we love. One was V poorly when born, in and out of hospital since. Both in semi stressful jobs and trying to do the best by DCs without much support / time for each other.
My question is, is this all normal should I stick at it (my instinct) or is he not really pulling his weight. Thank you.

Pros, of which there are loads
He's kind, smart and sensitive (when rested)
He's a wonderful dad
When we met he was attentive, caring and most supportive man I'd ever met

Cons however
Since arrival of our DDs he's almost not there, not interested in sex at all, no effort for romance or dates, and no photos of me taken by him on his phone in 2 years
His mental health is very up and down, often left to me to pull him back together when he gets low, which is often
He doesn't socialise much, or do much for himself, I gently encourage him but he's just content to sort of let himself slide (I try to eat well, ish, do a bit of exercise when I can and do the odd thing in my diary for myself)
Mostly it just feels like everything falls to me, cooking, cleaning, organising holidays and days out. He's reluctant to plan, doesn't like driving..
And finally money. Despite us earning similar amounts he's always hard up. I pay 50/50 bills and all the childcare but he still lives month to month.

Is this just normal, post DC stress? Is there anything I can do for him?
This stuff flies around in my head so much. Any help greatly appreciated.

💐

Sounds to me like he's having a really rough time - not the "epic, world-ending" rough time...the worst kind, which sneaks up bit by bit and results in constantly living day-to-day and not being able to see anything getting better. It's insidious, and you never notice things getting gradually worse. The worst part is that there's nothing specific that caused any of it - it just seems like everything's a bit shit, but not quite shit enough to proclaim it the root of all your ills.

I've been there, and thankfully my other half helped me get through it by just being supportive and consistently showing me the high spots in life, finding the small things that bring a bit of light and not letting me fall...and I've done the same when the situation was reversed.

I honestly can't imagine at any point in that sitting there thinking, "Hmmm, this seems like hard work, should I bother?".

I think he needs to see his GP about getting some help for his low mood.

I agree with this.

However, my experience is that my now XH didn't want to talk to anyone about his depression. Which was part of his problem. I cajoled, encouraged, threatened, supported to get this in place for him. The best I could manage was a trusted counsellor friend taking him for a drink. XH was buzzing after that chat for 24 hrs, then the black dog came back.

Our separation after 20 years saw him decide to blame me for his depression, therefore his years of unhappiness.

A few years on from our divorce has left me in the very comfortable realisation that I was never responsible for his mental wellbeing and happiness, and I did all I could to try to support him to get the help he needed. But until he recognised he needed help for himself, there was no hope.

I'd suggest you look at marriage counselling. Someone independent helping your relationship is a good thing to do. I'm not sure he'll go for it though if he has the mindset you describe.

The most important advice I can offer is that you recognise that it's not your job to fix him. It's his.

It sounds like he's very depressed. Is he getting medication for it?

The money thing is different. Why don't you pool your money, OP?

@catelynjane @ntmdino thanks for your answers, all V helpful ☺️

@Globules thank you too, we are in counselling but only very early on. I'm hoping it helps us both

@TheShellBeach we don't because I've already put £600k of my own money into our house and £50k into renovation, so if I'm honest I'd rather keep my day to day finances separate... I do love him but money slips through his fingers.

To be honest, if both partners have different approaches to managing money, or one's struggling to manage it properly, then it makes sense to keep them separate. I've always had trouble with it, but my other half's far better at budgeting...so I hand over the appropriate amount every month, and whatever's left for both of us after bills are paid is our own.

Yanbu.

He may be struggling but he owes it you you and your dd’s to seek help. You’re doing the bulk of the housework and solely paying for childcare (which is completely unfair as it benefits him too) and he still has nothing left at the end of the month. Then you’re having to pull him back together too. I would struggle not to be resentful about this and if it continues in this manner he may not be the only one suffering from mental health issues as this is unsustainable.

You can’t do everything alone and then support another grown adult who isn’t doing anything to help themselves. Tell him he needs to speak to the GP asap. You deserve support too.

@SchoolQuestionnaire yes, thank you. I'd like to suggest he seeks support from GP. He has taken anti depressants before so could do so again.

I'm not resentful, yet... Just very worn out of being strong for him, our DDs and my elderly parents too. Thanks for your comment.

@ntmdino i like this as it recognises everyone is different and has different strengths. Sometimes I genuinely wonder where he spends money as I always have some left over, but I save at the start of the month then budget after. He prefers to spend and eyeball it as he goes. 🙈

Are you both in other relationships? If so I'd stick with them.

Have a think back to what it was like when it was just you two before kids. Do you think perhaps that you have always been in the parent role to his child role?

My ex and I had a similar dynamic. In the end the resentment killed our marriage. But if I had to be honest with myself, he was always a child to my parent. I was always propping him up. Even before kids. I just ignored the signs.

If he doesn't show willing to change, then you need to learnt to accept him as he is or leave.

Counselling will do nothing unless he is actually motivated to change something. Is there anything that suggests he is willing to put the effort in? If not then I would cut your losses.