I’m keeping her away from her granddaughter!

[theprincessthepea]

According to my daughters grandma (on her dads side) - I am keeping her away from her granddaughter (dd is 13). She called me the other day to say that she feels like we are ignoring her, we are treating her like a burden and are ignoring her calls.

She didn’t start the conversation with hello - it was a very long rant with her voice raised and she didn’t let me have a word in.

Here is some background
⚫️She lives in the USA - 6/7 hours time zone difference

⚫️She calls when we are in bed or school hours. When we call it seems she is also busy

⚫️Her son (my dds dad) does not see his daughter or speak to us - or her (I think she is deflecting that pain)

⚫️I’ve had lots going on - medically, plus a pregnancy and we are being evicted so lots of moving and viewing - I have told her this - not in great detail but mentioned January will be difficult

⚫️The last time we saw her in person was when my daughter was 4 - her last trip to the UK

⚫️She was very upset that the last time she had a conversation with us was 10 days ago

⚫️Oh she is a young grandma - in her 50s, she still works etc (for context)

⚫️When she does speak to my dd their conversations are around “why don’t you want to call grandma - do you not love me” and my dd (rightly so) now does not enjoy their phone calls.

⚫️She says that we are putting zero effort into my daughter mixing with her family. I partly think that is her dads job - my dd has contact with the younger cousins she wants to speak with on that side of the family. Equally her family haven’t made that much effort

I do message grandma weekly to check in but I think the guilt tricks are unnecessary and she is being very unreasonable to call with a raised voice.

I’ve tried to make sure that they keep in touch but clearly it’s not enough for her and I do not have the brain space or energy right now.

AIBU
Yes - she is making the effort and asking for the bare minimum
No - She is asking for too much!

Honestly? Your daughter is old enough to decide for herself with some guidance from you. I can't see the benefit of a grandparent relationship with someone she probably doesn't even remember properly in person, who just gives her guilt trips and treats her like a commodity.

This is your DD's dad's responsibility anyway, to be quite honest.

Would it really be that difficult to schedule a timed video call once a week with her??

Why on earth should that be OP'S job?

It's hard. Because at 13 they are not the most communicative and of course your daughter would feel less inclined.

Why not write back and explain that you have had medical issues to deal with and the two of you keep clashing schedules. Suggest a timed video call and do something other than her loading your daughter with guilt. A friend of mine played games and listened tob music whilst chatting with her monosyllabic grandson. Perhaps a good one one would some family photographs. Perhaps the grandmother can talk her through some of family history and funny stories .... Easily done on a video call.

It would be a shame to cut her off when she seems so keen to maintain a relationship.

The DDs dad doesn't speak to his mum so he's not going to arrange it.

OP, is this her only grandchild? I can imagine it must be hard for her but she's going so badly about it. Why doesn't your DD dad have contact with his mum? Is she toxic generally or just upset today?

13yos don't want to talk on the phone to anyone apart from their friends.

It's not the OPs duty to maintain relationships with the dads side.

The grandmother and the father of the Ex raised a man left and never sees with or speaks to his own child, so I wouldn't feel my own dc was missing out on anything.

I'd probably message the grandmother:

"13yos aren't really into long telephone calls, why not add her on WhatsApp and send the odd message checking in? Between schoolwork, sport and her friends her life is fairly hectic. I appreciate that had her dad not abandoned her, you would have had a better link to her, via him, but what's done is done"

Her attitude would irritate me tbh.

She sounds very irritating and very unhappy. Reminds me of my ex who never remembered the time difference, especially when he was drunk

@MerryMarigold my dds dad is actually the toxic one! Our relationship ended a very long time ago and he is financially and emotionally manipulative - he was to me and his mum - and other people in his family. He also isn’t reliable and hasn’t been able to hold a job. So we actually tried to help him but he saw us as interfering.

@Kitkatcatflap I agree with you - my dd is less communicative and would rather call her friends. We send pics and videos to grandma whenever we are doing something exciting so that they have a conversation starter and she doesn’t feel out of the loop.

I think maybe scheduled calls could work but she is a nurse and has a very up and down timetable.

I have told her that we have alot going on in January - we spoke regularly last year but I’ve barely been able to keep on top of socialising with my own family.

Also I’ve had to put some restrictions on dds phone as her grandma would call her and say “I can see that you’ve been online and you haven’t called me - why don’t you want to speak to grandma”

I was very mad and told her to stop doing that as my dd was still in primary at the time and would cry about it - it really upset her. Grandma doesn’t do that anymore - but feels that she can rant to me and doesn’t see that saying “your acting like you don’t love grandma” - even if it is in a nicer tone - is not helpful and too much for a teen (who is now starting to feel the abandonment from her dad more than ever!).

Generally she is nice but she switches when we don’t speak to her for a long time (usually it’s days/weeks as opposed to months).

She has toxic tendencies @Kitkatcatflap

"13yos aren't really into long telephone calls, why not add her on WhatsApp and send the odd message checking in? Between schoolwork, sport and her friends her life is fairly hectic. I appreciate that had her dad not abandoned her, you would have had a better link to her, via him, but what's done is done"

I agree with this. It gives her good advice about how to communicate with a teenager and reminds her that this isn't really OP's circus to manage - she is doing it for her daughter's sake but really doesn't owe anything else to anyone.

Oh lordy, ok ignore my suggestion of them WhatsApping then!

Maybe just ignore exMIL yourself then, and once a week at a set time reply to any messages sent during the week.

A bit messy 😬

My therapist would say set boundaries and only do things that you choose. Don't do it because of guilt or shame that she lays on you. That's manipulation.

She sounds really annoying. I wouldn't want to be putting up with her. You have my sympathies there.