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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL contributing to household costs

16 replies

BritishDesiGirl · 12/01/2024 16:02

I have posted about my brother in law staying in my home while undertaking his Masters degree. He is an international student and his university is near where l live with my children and my husband ( his brother)

I was and am happy to allow him to stay rent free with no contribution towards food, utilities, council tax, internet while completing his degree.

I am also doing things such as cooking, ironing for him along with what l do for my own husband and kids. I done want him to feel not part of the fily

Please don't come at me for this, l come from a cultural background where this is considered the norm.

I cannot walk about my house without a hijab as he is non mahram to me. We are muslim. I no longer have the same privacy .

I told my husband as soon as his brother gets a stable job he will need to contribute to the household. This has gone down negatively.

I said that the contribution will be based on his salary i.e if he is getting £2000 a month it will be in the region of £400 if 2.5k it would be £500.

Please can l have opinions on whether l am being reasonable or unreasonable

Thankyou

OP posts:
murasaki · 12/01/2024 16:05

Entirely reasonable. But I feel sad that you can't have comfort in your own home, e.g. re the hijab etc, which presumably if he weren't there, you wouldn't wear in doors. Is it not possible for him to move out?

He should definitely pay some costs if working though.

murasaki · 12/01/2024 16:07

Presumably he can only work 20 hours a week though as an international student. So that's an ambitious salary.

Tinkerbyebye · 12/01/2024 16:10

YANBU. But if he is working why can’t he find a room somewhere else and at least allow you privacy in your own home again

Akire · 12/01/2024 16:15

It’s Great you can afford pay all food and bills for him while he earns nothing. It’s not unreasonable once he is earning as adult to pay his way. Why would he get to keep 100% of his wages while you are giving yours away?

cooking food is one thing while you are already making for your family. Ironing? No way! It’s a good skill to learn and he would not be getting in your way doing his own, in same way making meal for himself while your cook would be.

can he text you when he’s coming home? That way you can uncover whiles he’s out and not have to just case he comes in at any time.

MedievalNun · 12/01/2024 16:25

Another one saying that if he's an international student he can only work up to a max of 20 hours; there's also no guarantee that he will be able to stay in the UK after graduating - and there are checks done on int. students and whether they have left. If he stays with you when his VISA expires, you and your husband are also liable under law so be careful.

On the hijab -the suggestion above asking whether he can text before coming home so you are able to relax and not wear it permanently sounds good.

GreyhpundGirl · 12/01/2024 16:34

I'm a little surprised you hadn't thought about how to manage your hijab before he moved in but like others said, ask him to update you as to when he'll be home.. Presumably he should be out a lot for his studies.

When you say job, do you mean while he's studying as he can only work 20 hours per week, and any contravention of this can cancel his visa without recourse.

If you mean once he's finished his studies, he needs to be realistic about the conditions the government has put on foreign students after they finish so may not be able to stay anyway. However if he does then yes he needs to pay his own way, just like if he got a part time job studying. It's not fair for an adult not to contribute to bills when they have an income.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/01/2024 16:43

I told my husband as soon as his brother gets a stable job he will need to contribute to the household. This has gone down negatively.

What was said? does your husband think his brother should live with you rent free forever?

Original poster
BritishDesiGirl · 12/01/2024 16:46

I know he can only work 20 hrs. He will get an automatic 2 year work visa

OP posts:
Original poster
BritishDesiGirl · 12/01/2024 16:46

@GreyhpundGirl what do you mean manage my hijab??

OP posts:
Octonaut4Life · 12/01/2024 16:46

If he doesn't want to pay his way monetarily then how about he pays his way with chores?

Original poster
BritishDesiGirl · 12/01/2024 16:48

He doesn't know how you even wash a dish, his mummy hasn't prepared him for anything and expects me to do it.

OP posts:
GreyhpundGirl · 12/01/2024 16:53

BritishDesiGirl · 12/01/2024 16:46

@GreyhpundGirl what do you mean manage my hijab??

Sorry if that's the wrong term but presumably you knew you'd have to wear it when he moved in so I'm surprised you hadn't thought of a way for you to feel comfortable in your own home prior to him moving in.

The rest of your post focuses on the contributions to bills so I don't know if it's just another thing that stands out to you as another reason to feel a bit annoyed.

Original poster
BritishDesiGirl · 12/01/2024 16:55

Ah, okay got you.

I do wear hijab but when it's me, hubby and kids l don't have to. But l do when bil is around.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 12/01/2024 17:00

I think your financial contribution request is more than reasonable. He eats food, uses electricity and water, and adults should have an expectation of paying their own way. In my book, that IS being part of the family. I think you would be doing him a huge favour if you taught him how to cook and iron, though.

The suggestion that he send a text when he's on his way home so you can put your hijab back on seems like the only solution to a tricky problem. He's family in the sense that he is in your household, he's your husband's brother, you care for him - but you can't be uncovered in front of him so he's not really family. Does your DH have a view on how this could be sorted out? Is there some sort of "religious disclaimer" that could allow you to uncover in front of him?

GreyhpundGirl · 12/01/2024 17:00

BritishDesiGirl · 12/01/2024 16:48

He doesn't know how you even wash a dish, his mummy hasn't prepared him for anything and expects me to do it.

What is your husband's attitude towards this? If he's not contributing financially, he should be in other ways to make all of your lives a little easier. Maybe start sending him some YouTube video tutorials of how to complete certain chores :)

murasaki · 12/01/2024 18:15

Does your husband do his share of the housework?

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