To move to a new town?

[KL090]

I have young adult DC (late teens/early 20’s). One drives one is learning. They are both in employment locally on lowish wages. I have been a single parent living with my DC for many years. My partner has shared residency of his younger children and lives in his own home.

I am not getting any younger and now could only get a 20 year mortgage. As we would need a large house for our whole family it would max out our budget to buy a property together and it hasn’t been a viable option up until now. We have recently seen a house that is suitable in both size and price, but it’s in another town 12 miles away. All children would have their own rooms and plenty of space.

My adult DC are not happy about the idea of moving to this nearby town as their work and friends are in the location we live now. It would cost them more in time and travel expenses or they would have to find new jobs locally. They also are not keen on living with the younger children as they are used to having their own adult environment now. We would have clear rules about who can go in each others rooms and I wouldn’t be charging them a significant rent, more a token amount towards bills/food. The children all mix frequently and get along but I appreciate that having younger step siblings can be irritating.

Partner and I are reluctant to get excited about the house we have seen as ideally we would like everyone to be on board with it. I know DP is excited but worried to show it. My DC can’t afford to move out yet and I don’t want to force them into something that would make them unhappy or feel like I was choosing a new family over them. 5 years is a long time to live apart and I’m not sure when a house like this will come up again.

Our only other option seems to be to wait until my DC start leaving home of their own accord and then buy a smaller house with DP. Neither DC has a plan, savings or a lucrative career so this is not going to happen in the near future!

I am not sure if IABU to ask them to move and start a new life in a new place in a bigger family or not. I don’t want to make a mistake either way.

OP you sound like a wonderful mum and being very thoughtful regarding everybody's needs. But it also sounds like you are putting your own needs (and partner's) last. I think it's admirable you want to help your young adult children get a headstart in life but I also feel this shouldn't be to the detriment of your own plans/happiness. I get they aren't happy about moving, but realistically it sounds like the only way your families can become blended. If that is what you truly want and assuming you and your partner have been together for some time (this isn't a man you met 3 months ago) and have been doing the long distance/separate households for a while, I think you should be a little selfish here. Your sons will leave the household in the next few years (hopefully) and tbh wouldn't think twice if tomorrow they met someone and had the opportunity to move out. I think you need to sit them down and explain to them you love them and understand their hesitations about moving into a shared house but this is ultimately happening so they have two choices, come along, start saving (as you're charging them minimal/no rent) and move out as soon as possible or start making arrangements to move out now. Perhaps they could houseshare with other friends or get rooms in the same HMO and you could perhaps help them out with the occasional home cooked dinner, washing their clothes, letting them take their furniture with them (or sell them for extra cash) etc (especially if you end up saving money/have a cheaper mortgage because now you can get a smaller house).

@zusje
thank you for your wise words. I want to move in with my partner but it’s more important that my children are happy to be honest. I would love it if they came round to the idea but I worry this decision might push them away and that is a difficult possibility/risk to come to terms with.