Those who have been foster carers

[thisisasurvivor]

We are aiming to do this

As a family we have talked about it for years
Many reasons why it would be a success

So many people tried to put us off (telling horror stories)
Anyone got first hand experience?

We are about 5 months into the process so far

But I do worry we are looking ahead with rose tinted glasses sometimes

Honest opinions would be great please

Slightly different as we fostered through a friends and family placement so it was just kind of out the blue! It’s hard, foster children tend to have issues your own children don’t and you need to meet those and your own children’s needs. There are lots of meetings which you need to attend. Much less support than I imagined- when he came to live with us we heard nothing from the social services team for 8 days after that. We had to badger and badger for financial support. But he’s 22 now and lives independently round the corner, we are still really close and I’m dead proud of all he has achieved!

Wow @Scutterbug

Thanks for sharing

No doubts it will be full of ups and downs
Never easy
And the trauma these children have been through

Be realistic and prepare and learn everything you can about trauma and how it impacts children. You will need to unlearn a lot of your parenting and relearn new ways.

Id also recommend counselling. Iv met carers that have amazing intentions but then lose perspective when things get tough, and treat children poorly. Counselling will help you process things so this doesn’t happen. I think it should be mandatory for carers.

Not in the UK but we have been foster carers for about 23 years. Like everything in life there are ups and downs but we have no regrets. I would agree with pp that support is quite thin on the ground, you really have to push for anything that you need. We did short term and some respite in the beginning but have 2 girls long term now, who are very much loved and part of our family. Respite is a great way to ease in to fostering imo, it will give you an idea of whether it's for you or not. Good luck.

Thank you all

I feel ashamed to say it but I worry about teenage boys and their trauma
How I would deal with them
I am worried to say it out loud to the social worker

I have a friend who fosters and they fostered a baby who went on to stay with them for over a year. I think SS was working with the bio parents in the hope of getting the LO eventually back home with them.

My friend found the whole thing massively rewarding but she really, really grieved when it was time for the foster baby to go home. I guess it's impossible to care for a baby's needs every day and not form a strong bond.

Having said all of that, my friend said she'd 100% do it again (they're taking a bit of a break at the moment) as they loved being able to bring a bit of stability into a life that had begun in bad circumstances.

I think you have to be tough and resilient to do it! But good for you!

They sound amazing

Thank you for sharing

I foster a DC who came to us at 5 years old as an emergency placement and stayed. He's 17 now and we love him very much. He has learning disabilities and may never be able to live 100 percent independently. He will stay with us after he is 18. He's treated the same as my DC who are adults now. They are all fond of him but he went through several difficult phases. Through his difficulties I tried to have fun with him, tell him he is loved, and not take it personally when he did and said some horrible things. The paperwork is more than you might think necessary. I have to write weekly reports and upload onto his record. I found financial allowance are quite good and we have used a lot of the allowance to pay for private tutoring for him 3-4 hours a week to enable him to do better at school in his exams. He attended a special school due to being about 4 years behind other DC due to his terrible start in life. I save some money for him but won't let his savings go over £5k. We get paid more because we are graded as grade 5 carers and because of his disabilities. I've found the support is ok but we foster through an agency not LA. In the past he's had occupational therapy, speech therapy, and counselling on 3 separate occasions. I've also got him specialised help from careers and the Virtual School. I've found when he is either stressed or angry, sport has helped him massively. I'm a great believer in thinking that everyone is good at something it's just finding what your FS will be good at. My FS is good at cricket in particular but loves all sports. In the past he's done lots of activities including swimming, Aquathlons, running, multi sports, short tennis, ice skating, Art, Stage Coach, karate, Crav Maga. I'd say when you get a DC try to keep them busy.

OP don't be worried to share your concerns. As a Social worker I would welcome your honesty and would talk through what your concerns are and how I could support you. Remember you will have opportunities to discuss children and will only be matched with them if it's a good fit. That's not to say it will be easy but there is support out there. Good luck

Name changed ...

I'm a foster carer and foster through an agency.

We have a long term placement of a particularly traumatised sibling group of three. They have been with us for 12 years now. They have no birth family involvement so as far as we are all concerned, although not officially, we are effectively their parents. They call us "mum" and "dad".

We have been very lucky as they are lovely children who are impeccably polite, friendly and well behaved, although there are the usual teenage issues.

However, before this we had a young child who was challenging and would hit and kick us, scream for what seemed like hours on end, and try to smash the house up.

Therefore, the behaviours of children placed can be very diverse and don't always appear to be in line with their background/trauma.

Bear in mind that a lot of your challenges will come from dealing with the local authority and the numerous changes in social workers etc. I've been very lucky that the children have had a really good social worker for a while now. This has most definitely not always been the case and I've definitely had tears of frustration!

Facilitating contact with family members can also be difficult at times.

Obviously allegations are a big concern too.

There are a lot of other things involved too such as paperwork, meetings, training courses, very regular contact with family, therapy sessions etc

It's a very demanding and tiring job that completely takes over your life. It is 24/7.

You can't just leave the children with a babysitter, so ideally need local nominated carers who will help you out at times.

You can put children into respite care to give you a break, which can be needed, but I've never done this.

It's definitely not like looking after your own children.

Don't let this put you off. We love our kids and two have stayed past the age of 18 and the third will be doing so.

Ask me anything!

There’s a whole board on here dedicated to fostering, might be worth looking at it

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/fostering

You are all so helpful

Thank you

Was it different to how you had imagined it?

I'd say that realistically looking after the children has been easier, but dealing with the professionals around the children has been harder.

@imafostercarer how so?

Lack of support etc?

Gosh it is a huge
Very rewarding undertaking

Please accept my apologies in advance for sounding somewhat bitter. I have been a foster carer for so many years and have probably seen both the worst (and best) of the system ...

I don't particularly feel I need much support with my kids (I'm lucky) as they are relatively easy.

However, you have to have involvement and permissions from social workers, so need to be able to work with them.

As mentioned, I've got a great one now but I've had some who have really frustrated me ...

They don't get to know the children

They often don't turn up for meetings, even very important ones that have been planned for ages

They turn up very late

They don't respond to emails

They don't respond to phone calls

They make decisions on things they don't know about

They just don't appear to care!

Having said this, please don't think they are all like this as there are some amazing social workers, but they can be very hit and miss.

I think dealing with the local authority is what frustrates most carers.

Wow ok

My goodness what a shame

And the effort foster carers go through
And the trauma these innocent kids have endured

They should be so much more involved (I know they have a hard job but come on !!!!!)