To be thinking of giving 5 year old dummy back?

[fr4zzledmum]

I would like to preface this by saying I absolutely know IABU and it's not a great idea to consider, but me and my DH cannot continue like this (I don't think I'm losing my mind - I've lost it!) and it's all exacerbated by my being 9 weeks pregnant.

DD had a dummy from birth then from about 2.5 only had it at night time for sleep. At 4.5 her bottom two adult teeth came through so we got rid of the dummy straight away (dummy fairy - went very well and no drama at all). Although no drama, her sleep was affected to some extent - waking up 1-3 times a night for a tuck in, quick reassurance pat. It was manageable.

But this has declined over the six months she's been without, with the last at least two months having us settling her twice a night and having to get into bed with her. She's very hard to settle (not upset, but clearly struggling to get back to sleep), and we can lie there for hours.

She has said on a few occasions that she misses her dummy - it's not a regular thing she says though.

We have tried so many things to settle her/keep her asleep but they haven't worked. (Think: night light, gro clock, white noise, aromatherapy sleep patches, weighted blanket, heating on during the night, punishments in terms of removal of TV privilege, and lots of praise for nights that are better than others). We've also tried ignoring her shouts but she literally screams and cries - not ideal at 2am.

Over Christmas, we had three nights of no shouting and full nights sleep, purely as she thought Father Christmas wouldn't come. Although this solved our problem of getting no sleep, I actually think she was awake in the night but just didn't shout, so hadn't solved her broken sleep issue.

She's generally pretty good at bed time and is asleep no problem, but we have noticed this last couple of weeks this is becoming more difficult and she just seems wide awake.

We're exhausted and I just don't know what else to do.

I really feel for you but the dummy is not the answer. If you cave and hand back the dummy, it’s going to be ten times harder to wean her off it the next time. You really don’t want to risk dummy tantrums aged six or seven.

You can’t give her the dummy back, it’s bad for her and being pregnant shouldn’t come into it, you can’t do something that’s bad for her because you are pregnant. And it will make life harder for all of you in the long term. I totally sympathise though. One of mine started sleeping 10x better after I bought him a fancy dreamcatcher and informed him he would now sleep better because it catches all bad dreams. I didn’t think it’d work but it did. You just have to persevere unfortunately OP. I hope something works for you soon.

I don’t know the answer to the sleep issues but I think you will regret giving her the dummy. Have you tried introducing some type of comforter that’s just for bed time? A special, new teddy that’s introduced and she’s encouraged to use for comfort?

What time does she go to bed? Could you try putting her to bed a little later?

Have you tried a large cuddly teddy she can sleep with?

Sorry to say it but ‘dummy’ isn’t the answer to the question of a 5 year old’s sleep problems. I do feel for you though as it sounds super tough!

What time is bedtime and what time does she wake? Has she talked about why she wakes? Is she afraid and if so, what is she afraid of?

My 5yo suddenly got more afraid of monsters and the dark around the time of starting reception. He’s currently co-sleeping which seems to be working fine.

Another thought: have you tried a gentle light machine? Something based on animals or space or soft floating colours? A couple of friends had success with these for their restless toddlers.

Give her something else she can suck or chew at bedtime - like a muslin or a chew necklace (one that is safe at bedtimes.

Don't do it! You are just creating more problems for yourself in the future. Sounds like sleep issues may have started around when she started school? There is a lot to explore re that. If you think she needs a soother, go for a blanket or Teddy.

Pile of books by her bed (but she's not allowed to get up and play) and a night light. Gold star sticker if she stays in bed , 4 gold stars and she gets a small treat. You can extend it to 7 gold stickers once she has the hang of it. Lots of praise.

Could you not say that the dummy fairy knows that sometimes she misses her dummy so has given her a teddy/comforter to have instead. Maybe leave it for her to find with a letter from the dummy fairy.

Yabu dont give the dummy. Can you just co sleep?

Sorry easier to do responses in one post where I can:

I mentioned the pregnany purely as I had PND with my DD, and have started with early symptoms of anxiety again - awaiting referral to the peri mental health team. I found sleep issues were a big trigger so do find I try to put my needs at the forefront (short term) to avoid previous lows.

She had comforters she used religiously but seemed to discard these at the same time as her dummy.

We've tried earlier and later bedtimes with no success. Bedtime is usually between 7 and 8.

She has never gotten out of bed in the night (doesn't even do this in the morning). She just shouts until we go in.

The issue is we're not getting any sleep cosleeping (in her bed). She does (eventually) but our quality of sleep is terrible.

Making a longer cosleeping plan could be best then, another mattress in her room for example.

I really wouldn’t introduce co-sleeping to a 5 year old. Especially with a new baby coming.

OK. So, you know she can self settle on the night because she did it in the run up for Christmas.
We accidently discovered telling DS1 (at around 4) that we were too tired to do X because he was waking us up at night magically created a child who didn't disturb us half as much.
He is half way through secondary school now. My sleep patterns are fucked. I'm often awake in the middle of the night, and often hear him moving about or talking to himself. He clearly still doesn't sleep through, but doesn't wake the whole house now.
I'd be telling DD that you need to sleep for longer, so unless there is a really big problem (pee, poo, sick or blood in this house - although to be fair it's flexible, and DS2 woke me just after we'd moved to say the cat had escaped through a window and was crying in the garden), she needs to rest quietly in bed.

Try a reward chart. A sticker in the morning if she has stayed in bed and not shouted. After 4 or 5 nights she gets a reward. Take her shopping and pick a special sleepy teddy that will go to bed with her. I feel for you, broken sleep is the worst.

No don't do it. Your child will get buck teeth.

You may need to bite the bullet and sleep train if you want to fix this. Waking during the night is normal it happens as kids move through sleep cycles. The problem is the shouting for you to settle her back to sleep. If she can manage this when she wants to then this is in some part a behaviour problem. Possibly compounded by somebody getting into bed with her creating a sleep cue involving somebody being in the bed with her.

If you don’t want to co sleep either in your bed or hers, how together are you and DH on tackling this? There may not be much pint in tackling this yet if one of you is likely to slip back into just getting into bed with her just this once while you are trying to teach new sleep associations.

Do not give a school aged child a dummy.

She does not need to suck for comfort.

This is habit/behavioural. You need to sleep train.

Yes this is my massive concern as it's what we're having to do to survive atm but it's not sustainable with a newborn too.

Absolutely not. No.

I really feel for you OP, honestly I do, but you just have to get through it with perseverance. Pay for a sleep consultant. It will be resolved, and unfortunately you’re just unlucky at the moment but a dummy is 100% not the answer.

My daughter went through this stage. Each week we picked a small present together and I put it on the fridge. If she got 5 out of 7 gold stars then she could have the present at the end of the week. It worked tremendously.

The no shouting for three nights because of Santa shows she can get through the night without disturbing you with the right incentive. You need to find another incentive that works. You said you thought she woke up anyway but over several nights being awake and not getting any parental attention will be boring so hopefully she will settle herself back to sleep.

I would go for this as well. She can clearly do it as she did in the run up to Christmas.

I had a dummy-loving four year old and we had to grasp the nettle and get rid of them.

You need to get her not to shout. She has to learn to stay in bed and settle down, or come through to you if she’s been sick or had an accident etc. I’d focus the reward chart on staying in bed quietly.