It’s a messy relationship one…

[Rars]

Please be gentle. I know I’m posting in AIBU but I’m having a bit of a nightmare of pulling my thoughts together and really need some help.

I came out of a long term relationship a few months ago. The break up was odd, we still talked and cuddled the night before we moved out of our place.
It was emotional, there were a lot of tears, lot of cuddles and just genuine sadness.

Im not sure why we broke up. Something wasn’t working but I don’t know what. Things were dragging, old things weren’t let go of Andes weren’t able to move forward.

It was extremely hard… we talked on and off then went no contact for a few weeks. Then met up and it was good. It just back to normal about being able to talk to each other, then again we met a month later and the same…

I was quite emotional both times and cried because I miss my other half so much.

We don’t talk an awful lot, but sending each other videos messages, memes that we think the other person would like.

We spoke over the holidays and probably wished each other happy new year first before we messaged/talked to anyone else.

I am scared that we threw away something special. And he told me that that had crossed his mind too.

we are both on online dating… although I defo just jumped on there all rushed and not actually ready for anything. He is trying but not a lot of luck and doesn’t share much with me on that side…

i think we are both scared to be alone and knowing that we aren’t getting any younger.

I am not sure how to deal with this. I don’t want my old relationship back with him. But I want a clean slate and him back. I miss him, we were good and solid in so many ways but broken in so many others.

Arghh… what do we do?

i think we are both scared to be alone and knowing that we aren’t getting any younger.

It hurts right now, and it's natural have doubts about whether the decision to split was the right one. Missing him is normal too. But the quote above is not a reason to keep a relationship going, especially one that you also describe as 'broken in so many [ways]'.

You won't get a clean slate back, at least not until a very, very long time has passed. You'll get the old relationship, your old patterns of behaviour and ways of relating to each other.

I had a very similar breakup 20+ years ago. Lovely guy, just not quite right. It hurt like hell, even though I instigated it. We missed each other like mad, wondered endlessly if we'd made a mistake, put each other through the emotional wringer, really. In the end though, we just weren't meant to be, and are both very happily married to other people.

It hurts, but it won't always feel like this

It’s simple, if if it’s going to work it’s not hard. This is hard, it’s not going to work

What do we do? You move on.
Stop this weird lingering where you are obviously not together anyore but still texting and talking. There was a reason you broke up and didn't work together. Every break up is hard and takes time to process. Without cutting the cord, so to speak, you are preventing yourself from moving on and finding closure. Wish him all the best, take some time to feel better, and then you can throw yourself into looking for a better relationship.

Never go back. Trust the person who understood the situation at the time- you.

You can’t make it work by wishing. If it had worked it wouldn’t have ended.

You need no contact with each other. It's the onli way to start the healing process. Goid luck OP

If I were you I’d go to therapy to understand why it didn’t work out- sounds like it may give you closure

Honestly? It really depends on why you say you were broken?

Can those things be fixable or are they deeply embedded personality traits or non negotiable things that won’t ever change?

OP have you heard the saying 'too good to leave, too bad to stay'? It strikes me that that's where your head is now. But deep down you know that it's too bad to stay, that's why you've split up. It wasn't working. The good bits don't outweigh the bad, so it has to end for both your sakes. If you truly want to move on then you need to stop being in contact. Accept that it's over and that means you're both going your separate ways.

You want the good bits back, you miss them. But he's a package, so are you, and you weren't compatible.

Good luck.

The right decision is the decision you back. I always have to remind myself of this.

(Of course there are some objectively terrible decisions, I know...but it's so often true.)

By which I mean - if you back yourself in this decision and commit yourself fully to it, you will come to a good place.

That means going no contact, giving yourself time to get over it before throwing yourself on the apps, and then slowly moving towards a new relationship when you're in good working order.

Right now, you're not backing your decision. You're wobbling all over the shop. It's as if you've decided to go on a diet but are still eating all the same foods as before, and wondering why you're not losing weight!

I suppose I have to concede that this logic also means that if you backed a decision to stay it would work out for you. I think it might, but backing that decision would need to involve more than reverting to how things were. You'd probably need couples counselling etc to figure out what wasn't working (and you might find you understood those issues more clearly, and then took a more informed decision to leave - that would still be a happy place to end up).