DM says I'm unsupportive & I'm fed up with the blaming

[wink1970]

I have always had a good relationship with DM, I'm an only child and there's only 18 years between us so we have always been more like friends. Now I'm in my 50s and have been happily married for 23 years and both DH and my stepkids have welcomed here with open arms, even though sometimes she hasn't been great with them (she can be very judgy and has always had a sharpness in the way she talks to people).

3 years ago we moved about 20 mins away and it was the end of the world! She rushed to follow us to the new village (which we didn't really want) and against our advice bought an unsuitable house that's had snagging problems. She has become bad tempered and snappier and the only thing keeping her 'nice' was her dog. The dog died in April and she's been on her own since. I have tried to keep up the weekly coffees and the nights out that are at least fortnightly, but DH and the kids have started to ask for family time/events without her. I have tried getting her involved in village activities - I've really immersed myself and it's great - but she just sneers.

Today she accused me of being selfish and unsupportive because I refused to co-host a "getting to know the neighbours" bash (3 years on!!). Apparently I never do anything with her, and my reason for pushing her to socialise is to get her off my hands.

I'm fed up with it. I'm a loyal daughter and I hold down a big job, and have built a social life in a new village. I have tried suggesting a councillor and it got scoffed at, I tried telling her I need a life and was accused of forcing her to move & then abandoning her.. etc. I don't want to go NC - at all - but I really am down about this. If anyone has some advice I'm all ears.

sorry it's so long!

You need to step away emotionally, first of all. It's not your responsibility to create a life for your mum.

Secondly, you need to step away a bit physically too.

She can say what she likes, it doesn't make it true.

Even if it is true, she isn't the boss of you.

Does she have any other friends, sisters or extended family? Or are you and your family her whole social circle?

It sounds bloody horrible, and frustrating that she won't do anything of her own volition. I would make a habit of agreeing with her on everything " yes, I am selfish and unsupportive, so what? Go shout to all and sundry - you want a party, organise a party!" - she might just be venting her own fears and frustration onto you but it doesn't make it any less draining.

Is she independent or does she rely on you for every little thing?

We are her entire social circle; she had 3 friends at her other place but spent 10 years calling them "just dog walking friends" when in fact they were a great group. DH has always been OK about her joining us fortnightly for dinner out, or meeting in the village for a drink, and stepkids (grown ups) also do the same.

I don't know how to react other than more "tough love" like refusing to co-host! I get the guilts that she's on her own!

You need to be firm. She is your mum, NOT your mate. You enjoy spending time with her but you need your own life. She either needs to respect this or she will loose you completely.

If she was a decent mum she would have encouraged you to be independent a long time ago.

Also, just because something has always been okay, or someone's been fine with it, or you've felt neutral or even happy about it in the past, doesn't mean that situation will, or should, continue indefinitely. Life ebbs and flows.

I think it might be helpful if you could write all this in a letter to her.
Tell her that you love her BUT..........then repeat at the end that you love her. Tell her what you want your relationship to be.

Send it then let her digest it.